Mega Ramble

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
unedited, it's a freewrite written for the slightly deluded point of view of a girl who wishes to be...

Submitted: May 15, 2008

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Submitted: May 15, 2008

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I wake up still fuzzed, I can hear the sweet sound of rain
I sneak a peak of gray dull through the curtains
I will adventure today, into the heart of the woods
 
I walk up the green towards Wild Park
The place is empty as usual, even more so this mourn
The rain has soaked me through already, I feel great
 
The skies spiral above like a huge vortex just waiting to suck me up
I am at one with the day, I have melted into the blackground
Unlike the hoods and umbrellas, and heads hung low, I don’t stick out
 
My hair is limp and drips right through, my morbid face reflecting the day
I head over the field and up through a new route in the woods
I’ve only been this way once before, and the feeling of unknown territory
 
Fills me with suspense, of rambling through this moody life, unscathed
On up to the top of the world, where fields merge into fields and I can see
Nothing! But hazy atmospheres, absorbing the land into its great belly
 
I spy another dog walker, I give a shy acknowledgement of his arrival on my land
I will let him be, my garden is for all to share. That’s what I like to think anyway
When I am here, I am home, I am me, I am free. Nobody can touch me here, nobody
 
Walking down to the dewpond now, hot chocolate still in hand from café in Wild Park
I rest on the bench and drink, mellow in the drenching water of life, not cold, just be
Searching for answers, I know I will never find, but at least I feel like I try, to understand
 
Will it always be like this? What will come of me? How can I reach out to nowhere?
Questions questions question. The same old questions, always returning from darkness
From bitter wounds that still spill the hurts of all my years, the red eyes that lie, that burn
 
Sometimes I think I will die, that I will never be free from this freedom, die free, decayed
Void of life, heartstroke laughter misunderstood. Musing on all the crap, where’d ya go
 
I thought I lost you for a second there, did I bore the hell out of you, are you not reading my words anymore because I am not making much sense to your soul and that which you would like to know the words you would like to read in this here poetry have not yet been spoken
 
What did you come here for, to read some pretentious idealic twittering lines to make your hairs stand on end, to make you wish that you could write like me, this prosical hand that destroys everything. You wish you wished you were me, but you don’t, in fact you are glad to be happy in all your many comforts that surround you in your happy home to distract you from your true thoughts, to cover, to burry, forget who you really are
 
Easier that way don’t ya think, to somehow carry on regardless, to think yourself better than all this twaddle. I can’t tell you how to think or what to say or what to do, if only I knew. Maybe I would live just like you. But I don’t so I search and I search until I realise I will never find but only find that I continue to search nonetheless, like a hopeless quest
 
From beginning to end to beginning to middle and back to start the end again.
Have another glass of bubbly it will do you good, it will help ease, let me take that bottle from you dearest. Let me sip the woes of all your self hatred and pour the beauty from this shipwrecked earth onto your mortal head until you crash and cascade into mountains so high you touch the pit of hell, returning once again for another glass and piece of the pie to perpetually crave a wanton lust for everything you cannot know nor touch.
 
And as you look out into the bleak twisted heaven and wonder how she can walk so calmly in blustery gales of torrential rain just ask yourself just once why it is that you never look at me and want to be me, the girl so free in the woods, is it because you see my sorrow is it because it bores you or is it because you have had too many glasses of bubbly
 
See this is where I want to read your words and I want to know how you think and what you see and what you have to say to me so that maybe just maybe I might want to be you and I might be able to see from your point of view and I might be able to grow to places I never thought I wanted to go. When I was small I used to think about such fantasies
 
Like hopes and dreams of young children are so sweet and I guess I never really let go of those I guess none of us do really, we cling onto them and keep them locked somewhere safe for keeps, nobody can take those from you and me nobody. No matter how we all try to hurt each other and ignore our pains no matter what we do to her or to each other we are all the same. So why wont you reach out to me and take me in, accept me for who I am, and why don’t I like you even though I accept you. Why do I despise you like a fucking little spoilt brat. That begs mummy for one more sweet and stamps their feet and shouts I hate you and I don’t love you and I wish you wasn’t my mummy. I have decided that I will always be like this. Now I am as bad as you and my mind be small but yes it is easier that way, maybe a day will come and someone will see me, no, really see me I mean, look at me and see through to behind my eyes. Touch my mind with their delicate wisdom. But I don’t want to keep my hopes and dreams anymore because they only punish me with rejection and why should I stay a prisoner to idealism that betrays me time and time again and again and again a time. I will cry. Look black and blue, for I see you
 
I get home and soak in hot water sweet and tempting then I sleep like a log on a fire on the hill, burning to death and ashes blown where nobody knows. And I wake and eat and wonder some more, and wonder about wondering and wander to the back passage of my reality till I cannot search anymore and think myself silly and know that I am half crazy
 
Crazy for everyone else is sane and I am the only one that will live this tormented nature the way I do for you are not me so don’t fucking tell me to shut up and get on with it girl like you are some heartless cold bitch and I fucking hate you, like I am 3 years old so there
 
Deal with it


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