Whose Squirrels?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Humor. Squirrels and rats and bad landlords. What's real and what's not? You decide

Submitted: April 05, 2012

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Submitted: April 05, 2012



Squirrelly Landlord 

Squirrels are here, sir
I said in a hurry
I’d arrived at his door
In a swirling flurry

Oh bah nonsense he said
His voice icy and cool
There cannot be squirrels
Don’t be acting the fool

I really am right, sir
I saw them, all two
Way up in the larder
Oatmeal boxes chewed through

He stared at and studied 
Then patting me said
Don’t worry so darling
Could it be in your head?

I didn’t back down though
I shook like a flivver
Until he yelled hold it!
It’s rats, from the river

I know I saw squirrels
Are there rats here as well?
I’ll handle the squirrels
But rats? Bloody hell!

They come in by the cellar
Live warm in the halls
I can’t seem to fix it
Made numerous calls

And then I was mad
Everything hazed to red
Oh that’s just not true, sir 
You’d have already said

You’d like me to leave here
Which is what’s the real truth
Since I saw you come on 
To the tenant called Ruth

You could plant the squirrels
I don’t doubt you would
Now you tell me I’m mad
Throw the rats in for good

See, Stan Lee’s my landlord
A mean drunken twit
Owns all of the building 
Where I rent my bedsit

I slammed down the stairway
Tripping over bad thoughts
Wishing he was hell-bound
Him and all such rude sots

It was later that night
When my telephone rang
His voice was a’tremble
His fear fairly sang

I’m sitting here, Suzie
Made me buttered popcorn
All set for a movie
Turkish film called ‘Lovelorn’

I’ve my Jameson poured
And my pillows just so
I pushed the start button
For the film show to go

But just as it started
And I reached for some corn
I touched me a paw, Suze
As sure as I’m born

There are squirrels in here
I’ve counted to three
I tell you I’ll die, Suze
They’re in here with me

More in the bedroom
Bed covers their nest
The count’s up to twelve
And they’ve brought in a guest

A huge buck-toothed rat face
Looked me right in the eye
Oh woe is me Suzie
Please come help or I’ll die

Unhurried to answer
Took plenty of time
My answer was thus
Squirrels are not a crime

The rats are your lodgers
The squirrels their guest
And there is no harm, sir
Surely you know this best

You know these are facts, sir
You’re a very wise man
And only this morning
It was you said so, Stan

So be kind and share, sir
Liquor, popcorn and bed
I’ve stuffed all the cracks here
Plus the ones in my head

I never had squirrels
I was surely confused
You said so this morning
And were very amused

You said it’s the rats
Living out in the hall
Teasing, I know now,
For presuming to call

I shouldn’t have asked
For protection or aid
You’re way more important
Than girls being afraid

So say nothing more, sir
I’ve been well taught
“Don’t bother your elders
They’re already fraught”

So I wasted your time 
And I’m full of sorries
You can stop making fun
With your Aesop-like stories

And I hung up my phone
Without bangs or simpers
Hearing rat-scared stiff Stan
And his whispered whimpers

I recall an old saw that’s
Oh so tried and so true 
Says payback’s a bitch
When you bite, it bites you
So if this is pay back
One that bites as been bit
Rats, squirrels and whiskey
Seem a very just fit

Just then there was laughter
From way far up high
There were Karma and Justice
Winging off in the sky

© Copyright 2020 Wilbur. All rights reserved.

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