A Journal of Manhood
“Holy fuck, this is ridiculous” My very smug boss chants across the shop and over the volume of the radio. “What?” I ask half heartedly. “This psycho babbling psychic bitch is giving predictions to obvious questions, they’re not giving her a challenge.” He was right. They were asking questions like ‘will my dead husband come back to me?’ or ‘How is my day at work going to turn out today?’
Jim (my boss) looks at me and smiles at me like the short devil he is. “Hey, Marty why don’t you call the radio station and ask the half-ass psychic when you’re going to lose your virginity.” I know this feeling… yep, I’m about to get humiliated. All my blood is in my face and my forehead weighs twice as much as it normally does. I look at Jeff under my bangs and I start to shake my head slowly. He notices my immediate torture and begins chuckling. “Listen Marty, before you start that whiney shit, I’ll give you the rest of the day off –paid… if you have the nuts to ask the psychic about your virginity… It’s that simple.” “Okay.” I exhaled deeply. Jim and his friend, Steve initiated the spreading of the news to the other departments in the hangar.
“Hello, this is KT 103-5… you have a question for Dr. Laura.” I hear the voice coming from the other end of the phone and I am in a melting pot of embarrassment, excitement, and I can barely hold my composure because I know how ridiculous this is. Every door was open and there were about 15 individuals hanging from the different doorways, giggling and pointing their fingers at me. “Are you there…” the spokesman asks me through my cell. “Uh... yes, my name is Marty and I have a question for the doctor.” “Alright, go ahead and ask your question, there, Marty.” “Well, I would like to know when I’m going to lose my virginity.” The radio guy starts laughing so hard I can hear the echo from the radios inside. The psychic went quiet. I thought that she would actually admit that she didn’t have an answer. Then, I was afraid that she didn’t have an answer.
The radio host cut in first. “Wait, based on your question, you’re 19 and you haven’t been with a girl, and you didn’t choose to go without sex.” “Wow.” “Well, we have a solution right here in the station for you.” “Hey Thomas, get Sarah over here.” I want to pass out. Are these people actually about to give me shit for calling about my virginity? She gets on the line. “Hello?” She sounds beautiful. “Hi Sarah” I’m not sure that I like where they are going with this. The host asks the question that I pray he won’t ask, “Sarah, would you take this young man’s virginity?” She pauses. “Maybe, he sounds nice enough, plus virgins remember you forever.”
The host is enjoying the quick change of pace, so he decides to get really ballsy. I can hear the entire division laughing and there are a couple guys a few feet away from me giving me advice on hitting on the radio girl. “Dr., would you take Marty’s virginity? She laughs, “Definitely, If I wasn’t married.” The host then changes his focus to me. “What do you think…? We could help you out right now.” I am now am in complete disbelief. “I don’t need help; I just was curious what the physic thought.” So, she answers. “Well, I could give you a fortune, or you could make one… right here, right now.” I respond slowly. “I guess I would, but this seems a little strange.” The girl I was supposed to ‘bone’ chimed in. “I promise I’ll be gentle.” Then, the host began the virgin bashing, yet again. “Have you ever had a girl go downstairs on you, or maybe, fornicated with a pie?” I wanted to puke, but I took the torture. “This is a little inappropriate to talk about on the radio don’t you think?” I ask in desperation. “No, I don’t think so, Marty. Actually, I think that the fact that you haven’t ever felt a woman’s breast and that you’re not begging for this opportunity which is presented in front of you… is inappropriate.” At this point, my co-workers have surrounded me with twisted and completely sadistic expressions. I knew at that point, that I would either explode from humiliation or hang up the phone. Well, I didn’t explode. I didn’t get that day off, either.
Later that month, I found myself back in Alabama for the Christmas holidays. I almost forgot what it was like to be around people that didn’t give me shit for every physical and mental characteristic of my being. I still can’t stop thinking about this virginity thing, though. Maybe, I do put the pussy on a pedestal. I don’t want to be a forty year old virgin.
“Ma, why do you think that I’m still a virgin?” I ask her when we’re alone with my little brother in the comfort of the living room. She gives me a funny look and a laugh. “Probably because I threatened your first girlfriend off with a shotgun, and your second with a kitchen knife.” I sat up a little bit.
“What do you mean? I know you pulled a shotgun on Claire …But WHAT did you do to Ashley?… She was a sweet Christian girl!” Mom always spoke with the voice of Zeus. “I thought Claire was a slut- so… I told her… Well, that I would kill a bitch if she didn’t back off.” I never thought about the fact that Me and Claire broke up shortly after she met Ma. I was 16 and she was 19. I had no business being with a girl that sexually experienced or attractive. So, I was really surprised when we went from first kiss to third base and then we just… stopped. Ma caught us on our third date, kissing outside her car. She came outside with a shotgun and forced it into Claire’s mouth. She made me leave so they could talk, so I was nervous about the whole thing, anyway. At the time, I was just glad that ma hadn’t busted any of Claire’s teeth out. It made sense. Claire never told me in detail what they discussed, just that her and ma had an understanding. A couple days after that incident I called her and her ex-boyfriend answered. He told me that they were back together. I figured that she must have liked him better. I didn’t really think that she had feared for her life.
“You mean to tell me that I could have got rid of this curse at the age of sixteen like the rest of my friends! This is your fault, literally, all your fault.” She gave me her usual smile of sarcasm. “Well, maybe I had a little to do with it.” This is my luck. “You didn’t want your little baby to become a man.” I ranted. She crushed my volume. “That may be… but, I felt the need to keep you from bumpy dick and little whores that suck the life out of you. How do you think that you are 19 with a good job, an education, and your own place to live? Why are you happy and productive in the world, instead of raising an illegitimate child –asking ME for grocery money? Your lack of PooNanny is the reason that you have a good head on your shoulders.”
I know she is full of herself now, but it is hard not to listen. She is so convincing with her madder-of-fact tone. “Okay, what about Ashley?” That was my second girlfriend. We had dated two months and she just stopped talking to me shortly after her first visit to the house. “Marty, Ashley was trying to suck you in. As soon as you would have stopped paying attention to her, she would have been STALKER DELUXE. You would have given that a year and she would have been cutting pieces of your hair off, and taking pictures of your feet in your sleep.” This isn’t what I want to hear so I retaliate. “That’s a wonderful theory, but how did a kitchen knife get involved.” Ma decided to give me what I asked for.
“While you were at work at the sandwich shop, Ashley came by. I liked her at first, and I decided to let her help me cook. I figured that you would be excited to see us making your ass food when you got off work. Well, while home-girl was cutting the vegetables, I noticed that the bitch had herpes. I grabbed her by the throat to get a better look, and I was right. So, I decided to cut it off for her.” I had to stop her there. “What! You cut a cold sore off of Ashley’s face.” She was way too excited for the nature of this story. “YEP, and I told her while she was bleeding her funk all over the kitchen, to get the fuck out. Before she drove off, I let her know that if you had an inkling of an idea about what happened that day I would bury her in the backyard with Teddy.”
I was actually getting a little angry. “How could you be so vain? That wasn’t your choice, it was mine. You killed your ex-husband for abusing you – a DECADE ago, and you think you’re fucking Tupac. Mom, I love you but you’re not that badass. You can’t act like that.” She leaned forward to look at me dead in the eyes. “She’s gone ain’t she?” I was quiet. I really need to get laid.
Conveniently, there couldn’t be a better time to get laid. It is New Year’s Eve and the wind is in my hair. The radio is jamming some Rolling Stones, I’ve got a cigarette hanging from my lip, my best friends, Ozzy and Taco, are in the truck with me. Ozzy is telling me and Taco about all the girls he has been with since my internship at the Boeing development line. He is describing things I had only dreamed of. “So, this one girl had me do the shocker to her. You take these two fingers and put them there. The pinky is the shocker.” Ozzy wiggles it at me. I look at his pinky with true disgust. I think that it was a pure mix of jealousy and pure hatred of where that specific pinky had traveled. He looks a little let down that I wasn’t all ears for more stories. So, he passes the stage to me. “Well, I bet you’ve been smashing a bunch of sluts in A.TL. I’m jealous of you- all those older women, wanting to be with you because you work on airplanes and you have money.” I look him dead in the eye so he doesn’t make me repeat this. “I’m still a virgin.”
His mouth drops. “You’re still a fucking virgin? How? No! You’re just fucking with me.” He observes that my stare or expression hasn’t changed. “NO WAY! This is…not…possible. Your manly Marty, the shit, the master, and you haven’t run with the beaver.” I look back to see Taco’s expression. Ozzy grabs my chin and brings us eye to eye before I can get a response. “Dude, he’s fat. He doesn’t count. Get the fuck outta here.” Taco mumbles a lighthearted, “Fuck you. I got pussy before. Remember Shelia?” Ozzy’s face is spread and all the lines and contours seem to be missing. This can mean only one thing. He’s about to go into a speech about how he wants to get us laid. Ozzy is now running of pure adrenaline and excitement. I see a familiar driveway. No time for a speech.
The driveway met the road perpendicular and led down about half a mile at a 45 degree angle to Cash’s house. I’m glad I know this guy, because with all the thick pine and Oak, and broken down cars, It would take years to find me if I didn’t leave by my own free will. The truck comes to a stop. Ozzy looks at me and smiles. People see the car and I know that we only have a few seconds until we are bombarded. Ozzy speaks what he feels is the truth. “You will get laid, tonight,” and Taco chimes in. “And so will I.”
More people were glad to see me than I thought. Evidently, the general consensus was that I was partying like a rock star in Atlanta. Everyone asked me about the girls I had been with, and about city life. I had no idea how to tell them that I worked and went home. I was terrified of the city. I just replied with “you know how it is.... “, and “I do what I do.” These one-liners are my defense, offense, and special teams of social status. People only were interested in me for about an hour because one-liners only go so far. I see Ozzy occupied with three ridiculously good-looking women. So, my only hope is to latch on to his scraps before I pass out from the Tequila I’m drinking or he has sex with all three of them.
I’m not sure if I’m drunk. I look over at Taco and he’s throwing Cheetos at a fat chick. She’s kind of cute. Her eyes are gentle and she seems sweet. Maybe I could lose my virginity to her. Okay, she just poured beer on herself. She does have a thong on. Oh, I just pictured that. I can’t go out like that. I’ve waited almost two decades to give up this V-card. There are other girls, here as well. I’m terrified of all of them. None of them seem right, though. They are either too hot, not hot enough. Some are too slutty, or not slutty enough. I should probably focus on my general vicinity. That brings me back to Taco singing Spanish music and this fat girl. I’m going to talk to her. “Hey, are you having fun?” She gives me a glance that suggests she had never seen me before. We’re sitting on the same couch. How can people be so unaware? “Whaaat?” Her voice sounds like a dying crow. Even if I did a good enough job in the sack, I don’t think I would want her to make any noise. Shit, where’s Ozzy?
I get up from the couch that I’ve molded myself to for about 45 minutes. My back is sweating. Yes, there is a stain. I make my way through the beer cups, couch cushions, and tipped barstools. I see Ozzy through the glass plain window. He’s sitting with two of the three hotties from earlier. I know the one he’s going for because his arm is around her. Not yet, I tell myself. I turn around and make my way the smaller, more isolated back porch. The girl of my dreams is on the back porch. I’ve known her since the seventh grade and loved her since first sight. I asked her to prom once. The problem was that , it was two days before prom when I asked her. She thought I was joking. I wasn’t. How was I supposed to know that you asked girls out for prom at least a month in advance? I walked outside.
She was in light blue silk pajamas, with SpongeBob Squarepants spotted all over them. Her hair was long, straight, and thin. Her hair seemed to float right above the bottom of her shoulder blades. Her eyes were blue with green flakes. Her face was long and distinguished. She appeared more simple than glamorous, but I still believed that she was probably only a figment of my imagination. She was so cool; all she had on with her PJ’s was a white T-Shirt. She had a huge smile on her face when I closed the door behind me. I was dying inside. “Hi, I didn’t know you were here.” I’m sure I could have said something better. “Hey! Marty, I’ve actually been looking all over for you.” Well, I’m talking to her. “Uh, I was just inside…Chillin.” The door busts open right behind me. There is the girl that Ozzy wasn’t hitting on. “Dawn, your boyfriend got in a fight, he kicked some dude’s ass and now he’s in the bathroom with a nose bleed.” Dawn smiles hesitantly and with the utmost class. “Give me a minute.” I guess loudmouth couldn’t wait. “He needs you, let’s go.” She grabbed Dawn’s hand and like that she was gone in the back room. Dawn’s got a boyfriend now? Figures.
Ozzy comes to the door next. “Taco just beat the fuck out of some linebacker, we got to go. His football buddies aren’t happy and I’m about to get laid.” At least I get some entertainment. Taco probably threw Cheetos at Dawn’s boyfriend. I hope he kicked his ass, too. “Right, let’s go.”
So, Taco looks like his cheek got hit pretty good, but there’s no blood. He beat up Dawn’s new boyfriend. Sweet. “So, where to now?” Taco asks with a huge smile. Ozzy gives me the eye. He always raises his right eyebrow and shows two of his left teeth when he has a plan. “Me and Missy have to make a stop. Just wait outside and I’ve got something good planned out.” Shit. I have to wait in the car while Ozzy gets laid. We sat out in front of this girl’s house for 3 hours. Taco puked and we fell asleep. When Ozzy snuck out of her room the next morning, he found me in the driver’s seat and Taco in my lap. That is about as close as I got to getting laid on New Year’s.
Two nights later we are at it again. This time it is Ozzy’s bright idea to go to a bar. I’ve been here a few times in the past. The place is called Capital City. It has a bright and powerfully intriguing bright blue neon light, which illuminates its entire side of the street. Ozzy tells me that everyone from the party is here and more. It’s ladies night, so that’s even better. I’d like to imagine that every night at a club is ladies night. Otherwise, it would be a gay bar. I’ve got a black and gray collared shirt on with a white T underneath. I have black glasses, a black Alabama hat, black shoes, and black socks. I heard girls wear black when they want sex. Ozzy said I look like a mugger, though. Either way, I AM NOT going to get laid. I feel good, but I’m actually going to get shitfaced. I’ve thought about Dawn a million times since I saw her at the party. She’s the girl of my dreams. I wonder though, if I had gotten that virginity thing out of the way. Maybe, I wouldn’t have been such a pussy. Maybe I would have asked her out. Oh shit, the door guard is huge. Please let my fake I.D. work.
Okay, Ozzy is up. He hugged the bouncer like he had known him his whole friggin life. Leonitus (The door guard) simply states “I.D?” I keep thinking about how cool Neo in The Matrix is. “Hey, how are you? Here you go.” I hand it to him and I cannot make eye contact. I just look over his shoulder like I’m already inside. “What the fuck, YOUR not 28.” I am on the verge of losing bladder control. Ozzy tapped him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear. Leonitus give him a look of sympathy, “This time, only cause I love you, Ozzy.” I pass through a flaming red arc that illuminated Red Stripe beer. I think Leonitus snarled at me when I brushed past him. It was kind of like heaven to me, except the opposite in sense of moral compass.
Ozzy is gone. I’m not pissed at him. If I had his game and social skills, I would be all over the place too. At least I can drink… Crown Royal. I do have money. No rot gut Tequila, Vodka, or Everclear in sight. I don’t have to drink beer, either. I order a Crown and coke. I have a bar stool. I am looking at all the beautiful college girls, and a couple of people I know come up to give me a hug or a handshake. Dawn is nowhere in sight.
Another hour has passed. I’m getting drunk. I love all the neon lights. I love watching the clock tick. I love the bartender’s cleavage. I really love Crown Royal. Ozzy is beside me? Ozzy is talking. I don’t want to hear another pep talk so I stop him for once. “Listen, I don’t want or need anything. I’m going to dance. I won’t get laid, and I don’t care.” He puts his hand on my shoulder. “Dawn gave me a text. She wants us to come over.” I don’t care. “What time is it?” I sort of yell. “It’s close to midnight.” I give Ozzy the smile he always gives me when he has a plan. “Let’s shut this bitch down, bud” I’m not sure where this sprit came from, but I am happy.
Ozzy appears shocked and intimidated. His mouth is dropped. “What about Dawn?” I know where he’s going with this. “Dawn has a boyfriend. Dawn can burn in hell.” He said something inaudible and nodded at me in understanding. I am dancing with a cute little girl named Katie. She is grinding on me and moving in many directions. I am keeping up. She goes down, I go down. She shakes her hips; I shake my hips and dip under her. This is great, but I want another drink. I spin her so she is facing me. I give her a wink and go for the bar again. I get another drink and then I’m on the floor with another girl. Then, I was on the dance floor with two girls. I didn’t know that I could dance. I can dance. This new concept was amazing. I knew that I wasn’t getting laid, so I didn’t need to say or do anything cool. I buy a drink; feel up on some girl on the dance floor. I feel like she would let me lay her, but I then realize that I can’t. So, I ditch her for another drink.
Finally, I am wrecked. I have drunk myself into a perfect balance of “hammered” and “coherent”. I can see and respond to everything. I can even think. I just don’t give a shit about anything. I see a girl who had been sitting at the table with us all night. I don’t know her, but I do know that a guy has been giving her drinks all night and that I haven’t danced with her yet. She looked bored, and I can’t blame her since her friend was occupied with Ozzy’s tongue. She was a beautiful, Latin girl in a sideways fox cap. Her hair has a ton of body, and it hangs to her butt. “Hey girl, dance with me.” She looks up from her empty drink and pulls her lips away from the straw to give me a glare me in the eyes. “I don’t dance.” I have no idea about anything. “I didn’t ask you a question.” I grabbed her hand. She gave no resistance. We floated and I whispered the craziest shit I could imagine into her ear.
I said things like “Girl, you are doing fine. Girl, you are driving me insane with your hips…etc.” I wasn’t there long repeating those retarded ass one liners and we were passionately entangled, kissing and dancing. She actually bought that half ass shit. I felt a lion awaken inside of me, and I WAS getting laid. The guy that was with her was a frail, 150 lb druggie. He looked like he could be in a band. He wasn’t getting her, though. He came up to us just to hand her another drink. She rolled her eyes and passed the drink over to me. At this point, I did consider of a couple things. First, how is she still with me? Second, how have I not messed up dancing, kissing, and finishing this drink she just gave me? Third, I’m not going to get laid.
The music stops. The bar is shutting down, and I smile at her as the lights come on. She is as beautiful as she was in the neon. However, I am not getting laid. What the fuck was I thinking? I turn around, without hesitation, and head for the door. I’m outside standing next to Ozzy and his new girl, Taco, and a mutual friend, Caleb. Everyone is lingering with last hopes of finding love, sex, a party, lost phone, or a ride. Ozzy is probably going to bone that girl at her house, so I’ll end up there. Taco is sober. Guess he’s driving. I suppose we are just lingering to be part of the crowd.
She sort of merges out of the crowd and her sights are set on me. She places herself directly in front of me and I can feel the excitement illuminating off of my friends. I speak confidently “I enjoyed dancing with you tonight, it sucks that it has to end.” She goes for the kiss. I kiss back. I kind of feel the inner tiger again. Then, she grabs my penis. The tiger is back! I felt my eyes sharpen along with my senses. I guess she feels it too because she whispers in my ear. “Why does it have to end?” I put my arm around her and start walking. I hear Ozzy and Taco talking about me from behind. I can’t hear them because I am so focused on the inner tiger.
We get to her car. Two girls come out of nowhere. They begin to holler at us “What are you doing!! She has a fiancé. Sammy! You’re coming home with us.” I knew I wasn’t getting laid. The tiger is almost completely gone. Sammy turns to me and lets her bottom lip hang in a pouty face. I moan in defeat. “This is it. I guess”. I am a bit complacent about the whole situation. I step out the way as the cock-blockzillas place her in the backseat. The dude from the bar gets in next to her. The other girls sit up front, but Sammy’s door is still open. Out of nowhere she grabs my hand and places it on her breast. The tiger is roaring with the passion of an Ethiopian at a buffet. The dude slams the door and the car takes off. Shit, now I’m stuck by myself with this fucking tiger. I guess I better find my friends.
They found me. They were only about twenty feet away observing my progress. I can’t hear anything anyone is saying on the ride home. Every word they say sounds like a slow motion buzzing. The tiger is still loose and I don’t know how to handle it. We pull into Taco’s driveway. There are a few people already back from the bar and they are crashed on various ornaments of furniture. Some are playing guitar hero. I walk in to observe this, and I go back outside to smoke because I am actually getting angry about my situation. How is this supposed to work? Getting laid isn’t supposed to be this difficult.
After a few moments of meditation on this thought, Taco comes outside. He gives me a graceful glance, places his hand on my shoulder, and says “Just face it. You’ll never get laid. Just come play guitar hero and pass out on the couch like you do every night.” I feel the back of my neck tingle. I’m tired of people telling me to accept the shitty reality of my life. “NO.” I am staring into Taco’s pupil. Then, the sign from the sex gods came. I hear Ozzy smashing pumpkins with Sammy’s friend. I know what to do. “I am getting laid, watch this!”
I let the tiger control me. I feel like I’m observing myself act outside my own body. I am kicking the door down. Oddly enough, Ozzy didn’t look surprised. “What’s up, Marty?” I couldn’t help but wonder if he really does get laid that much. He didn’t even flinch. His girl, on the other hand, was pissed. I ignored her trashy remarks of how she was going to “fucking kill me.” I was much louder and larger than her. “Listen, I need Sammy’s phone number. The quicker you comply, the quicker you can hop back on our mutual friend.” Ozzy gave me a smile of great admiration and compliance. She looked at him in question for not kicking me out. He grinned at her. “Well?” She was in disbelief. With an expression of shock and confusion, she handed me her phone without looking me in the eyes.
Right after I shut the door, Ozzy came out. His eyebrow popped up, “I wouldn’t miss this for the world.” I go outside and Taco is staring sideways at a Maxim. “What’s the plan?” He is shocked to see Ozzy. He has a looks like he just got electrocuted. He starts laughing at me. “Dude, you didn’t have to try to join in on Ozzy and Sarah. You eventually would have gotten laid.” I hold the phone up to his face, and Ozzy spoke for me. “That phone has Sammy’s number on it.” Taco’s eyes widened.
The first call has no answer. The Second still has no answer. I have the tiger, so I’m not worried. The third call, “Hello?” Sammy answered. Wait. She actually answered. Let the tiger talk. “Sammy, it is Marty. Where are you at? I’m coming to see you.” Wow, I put everything out there in three seconds. There is silence. “The Cambridge building, girls’ sorority dorm. I’ll wait for you.” I respond quickly so she can’t take it back. “Okay, see you.” Holy fuck, that was ridiculously easy.
Taco has had a little more to drink since we got back. He didn’t want to drive. Ozzy said we could walk. It is cold as hell. It doesn’t snow often in Alabama. It is snowing tonight, though. Me, Ozzy, and Taco are power walking under the direction of Ozzy. Every step toward the sorority house felt like in was a step to remember. I just knew history was in the progress. I had no idea. Taco and Ozzy are giving me so many sexual, physiological, and psychological tips that I feel like I am reading every issue of Cosmo ever written at once.
We’re here. There are buildings everywhere. Oh god, the Cambridge building isn’t just one building. It is a Prison complex. “Ozzy? Why didn’t you tell me that it was a death maze?” We are all frozen in our tracks, staring at a series of figure eights surrounded by six story buildings. Ozzy, still looking up at the size of the compound, replies. “I had a girl walk me in. I wasn’t really paying attention to the architecture.” Taco tries to minimize the pain. “Marty, you go straight down the middle. Ozzy, you go left. I’ll chill out here.” I give him a death stare. “Okay, I’ll take right then.” We’re off. I’m searching the common areas between the buildings. I’m searching the windows with my eyes. No one is awake. This is a college campus in the middle of a Thursday night. It is either really great that no one is awake, or really horrible. Every few minutes we call to each other. No one sees anything. Fifteen minutes has passed, and I feel the tiger going to sleep. The cold is setting in. Ozzy says “Hey, everyone rally up.” I know from the tone that he is freezing his tail off.
“Let’s go home. Marty, I’m sorry but we’ve either taken to long, or the girl passed out.” When Ozzy said that, I knew it was over. There was nothing more I could do. Taco looked just as disappointed as I was. He said, “I’ll call a cab.” I was speechless and not willing to give up. What would William Wallace do? He wouldn’t quit. I won’t quit. Ozzy and Taco make their way down a trail to the right of me to give the cab an address. I go the opposite direction. I am looking everywhere. The first girl I see I am talking to. I don’t care what I have to say, what I have to do. I must get rid of this cursed V-card.
I see a girl. I’m letting the tiger loose. This isn’t going to work, but I’m still moving toward her. What is the chance that is Sammy? That is Sammy, my struggle is over. I can hear angels singing. There is no cold, no pain, and all the Ethiopians have been delivered securely to a buffet. I can barely see my friends. I wave hastily at them. They tell the cab to hold on and run to me. I point at her across the way. They looked more shocked than I did. Ozzy smiles. “You ready?” Taco looks a little annoyed. “I’ll go tell the cab to beat it, he mutters.”
I walk up to her and she is so calm. She is smoking her cigarette slowly, like she’s in the mafia. I don’t care. After some small talk between the four of us, she leads us to a security door which requires a bar-coded Identification Card. After many stairs, we are in her room. The first thing I see is three beds, and the guy from the bar is sleeping on one of them. I can feel the sexual tiger in me become a completely different animal. I am turning into a pissed off bear. The guy wakes up to the sound of Taco’s loud mouth talking about food. Sammy gives him a bag of Cheetos. I wish she knew what a bad idea that was. Ozzy was eyeing the guy and shifting his eyes to me. What the hell was I going to do? I’m not a tough guy I guess my struggle will never be over.
The guy on the second bed was pretty drunk and couldn’t talk well. He managed to get out the word, “cigarette?” I smiled with hope. “Sure, enjoy.” He walks out of the room. Okay, now why are my friends here? I ask myself. In between even more idle conversation, I knew had about ten minutes until Sammy’s guy friend would be back. I give Ozzy the “leave” glance. He understands and passes the message to Taco. Taco is not getting the message. How did he get even drunk from the walk over here? I see the flask sticking from his jacket pocket.
She continues talking. Ozzy and I keep attempting to signal Taco, who’s in a eight foot by ten foot room with us, to get his ass out of there. Taco is eating Cheetos and giving me childlike faces of refusal. Sammy drops her phone behind her bed. She sticks her head under the bed to retrieve it. I have ten to thirty seconds to tell Taco what I’m going to do to him if he messes this up. I start giving him middle fingers, announcing silent threats and pleas, and attempting every possible facial expression possible while Sammy is still talking with her head under her bed.
She found it. Her head is coming from under the bed. Her friend is nowhere to be found. Ozzy snatches Taco up by his collarbone and gives him a final warning. She is looking at an awkward situation and has no clue about what we’ve been scheming. I stare at Taco with apologetic and desperate eyes. The pain Ozzy inflicted woke him up. Taco says with a smile, “we’ve got to head out, but ole’ Marty is going to hang.” It seems like she didn’t care either way. She responds, “Okay, I’ll see you guys later.” The door shuts. She locks the door behind them.
I have synced completely with the tiger inside. It feels liberating. Tonight, I am not a pushover, or a nice guy. I am not a quiet little nancy. I’m the strong, silent type. I actually begin to hear the words she is saying rather than respond to the forces of nature that were so strongly against me. She is talking about medical school, and how her favorite TV show is House. I nod and smile. She sits in my lap. I rub her shoulders. She kisses me. I lay her down. Her shirt comes off. Words cannot describe the excitement I am experiencing. Then, I stand on top of the bed, over her, and pull my pants down. I’m about to go in. I ask her, “Should I… wear a condom?” She responds, “don’t worry about it.” Well, I’m not worried about anything except for getting this done. So, Sex begins. I look at the alarm clock. I think about old people and Pokémon. Ten minutes have passed and I am on top of the world. I am at thirteen minutes and I have got to do better. She is whispering naughty things in my ear. It is not helping me last. I want to tell her not to tell me to stop, because I’m going to stop.
Three loud knocks come from her door. I’m still going. Who the hell could this be? I ask her if she wants to answer it. I’m not sure if she could talk, because she just responded in shaken gibberish. This may mean I’m doing a good job. They knock two more times. “Alabama State Police Department, open up!” There is no way I’m only going to half lose my virginity. I’ve got to get back into bear mode. Sammy is terrified. I, however, am determined. “Wrap yourself up in the sheet and get in the corner.” She obeys without question. I wrap the blanket around me and head to the door. “Good morning, gentleman. How can I help you?” They are young deputies that looked slightly annoyed with the fact that a guy just opened a girls door. “Hi, is a Sammy Jo there?” I start to get afraid. I’ve got to lay everything on the line. “Listen, I am 19 years old and I’ve never been with a woman. Sammy is currently taking my virginity and I have no hope otherwise. Whatever you need, please, please…. Let me handle it.” They both stare at me like I’m clinically insane. Then, they exchange looks between each other. Then, they laugh there ass off.
“Listen, we have a young man who is drunk, disorderly, shirtless, and running around pushing the campus alarms. If you can just identify him, then you can keep him. If you don’t know him, he’s going to jail.” Dang it, I forgot about that asshole. I could let him go to jail, but I’ve already drank his booze, laid his girl, and locked him out. I walked down the hall in a blanket and there he was on the stairs. He was actually trying to fight the cops. It is hard to have sympathy for this idiot. I heard Mama’s one sided mafia morals in the back of my mind. She would fuck me up if I let him go to jail. So, I identified him and he thanked me all the way back to the room. I had no choice. “Bud, I kept your ass out of trouble so you need to do something for me.” I said coolly. “Anything, I’m just glad that I’m not in jail.” It was bear time. “Keep your eyes closed when you go inside.” I opened the door and lead him in. Then, I threw him in the closet. I locked the door and told him to sleep. Sammy and I went at it again for about twenty more minutes and on all three beds.
The next morning I told her I was a virgin. She didn’t believe me and I suppose that is a good thing. As for the guy that I locked in the closest, he actually thanked me for keeping him safe. Then, he held the passenger door open for me in Sammy’s car for the ride home. Sammy bought me a Chick-Fil-A breakfast. I felt like a badass. I also felt like an asshole. I tried to kiss her bye and she told me that she had a fiancé. So, this is what a one night stand is like. I’m probably never going to see her again. I went through a lot of shit to cash in my V-card. I heard that losing your virginity was supposed to clear up acne and make you a man. I still have acne, and I don’t feel any different. I guess it’s something that every man has to experience. At least I got a story out of it.
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