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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Literary Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Give it a try,
Swear to amen,
You'll love it.

Submitted: June 15, 2015

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Submitted: June 15, 2015





I feel hollow now. I feel an empty desolated void inside me. How the world grins at me today isn't something I really am within me. The world sees me as a way I represent myself infront of them. A way that they forced me to have my steps on, a way that took the real me missing from me, a way that is distant apart from my real way, and a way that makes me feel hollow now.

"Love is the best thing that ever happened to me."

I had been hearing this phrase through every twists of my life and I had waited for this finest thing to happen to me since I first heard it but I wasn’t a type for love since I was a weak friendship chef and love was far beyond my thoughts.
But things in factual world infact happen across the imaginations and beyond the thoughts and finally after 16 long years of my first breath to this sacred world, a good portion of this best thing happened to me.

I met him during my college days. He was tall, handsome, benign and the friendliest guy I had ever met in my life. He was alike a snow that would rather carry on with heat and melt itself only to keep his friends on shade. And for me, I finally had someone with whom I could spend more time than just worthlessly standing infront of my mirror.

And for heavens luck this guy came to become my new best friend. We became more than friends, a supporting arm for each other’s sorrows, a handkerchief in each other’s cries, a smile in each other’s happiness, a person to be counted in each other’s life.
As the monotonous time passed on, I slowly started losing myself over him. Days passed by as months arrived, months passed by as years arrived, but this moving days, altering annuals, changing weathers and passing seasons were hurrying alike a single moment. The seasons changed, the trees withered their leaves and bloomed themselves with the young bulbils, animals went hibernation to aestivation. Next to them, I was looking for an aestivation beneath a new world, a world far away from this one, and a new world under his arms and care.

I was spending the best moments of my life with him, moments I would die to live again because each of those minutes are worth it. He made me feel so important and I felt lucky stand aside him. He taught me to bunk the classes, to take outmost funs in sorrows, to smile with tears graved within us, to catalyze the friendship bond, and all of all he taught me a perfect way to live a life.
I loved staying abreast to him for he fulfilled my every thirst. But I never expressed my feelings of love before him. Confessing my attraction as a love infront of him would be much bitter than confessing suicide and jumping off the bridges or hanging off the cliffs. I felt an anonymous coziness whenever I thought about admitting my abstracted love towards him. But it doesn’t signify that I didn’t love him, I truthfully loved him. It was perhaps because I was afraid about him not accepting my purposal and more afraid that I would have to lose his valuable friendship.

14th Feb, 2007.

Finally my heart abetted me to confess before him. I was petrified through the beginning of the day. I didn’t know any steps of love but I loved him and I thought that was the only sole thing that ever mattered in relationship but I was soon proved wrong for there were things beyond loves, only loving, that echoed quite a fantasy. The steps comprised of writing love letters, purposals, special day dates and no doubt I was made to follow them. Only loving and expecting a love in return without following the steps would be like feeding your hunger just by glancing at the foods.

I planned to write him a valentine card. I am not an outmost writer but google helped me to get through the circumstances. All of all I had prepared my first valentine card for my first true love. My mirror was busiest than ever, my heart was pondering his name, my eyes were thirsty for his looks and my overstated mind was in complete dilemma.

I took the valentine card out of my pocket, opened his bag which was presaturated with many more valentine cards, sliced it swiftly to the middle of the cards, prayed for a 'YES' and ran wide quickly so that he wouldn’t catch me doing that.

I was his desk partner. He slowly ambled towards his seat; he acted no different within that Valentine’s Day. He looked at me and gave me that same scheduled smile. Then, he slowly unzipped his bag; I was still busy with my prayers. Whether I call it omens luck or my good fortune when he unfastened his bag, he tore apart all those letters without seeing them. Then he turned towards me, gave me a bemused smile and said,

"Who has got time for all this?"

That’s what I liked about him, he was unique to this globe otherwise who else does that? Even though he had unknowingly tore apart my so hardly efforted  valentine card, I felt a site of relief in my heart, a relief that our friendship will still be moving on the same way as before and in return of his bemused smile, I could only afford a plastic smile.

14th Feb, 2008:

A year passed by that incident and the love day had arrived again. The more I stayed closer to him, the more I explored him and the more I explored him, the more I was attracted towards him. We were two closest friends than any two else in this globe. We rambled together, we stayed till late nights with each other, and we two were living a complete diploid life.

But this valentine day, I had to make it to his heart otherwise someone else would. I efforted a lot this time as I had learned so much by past year. I had a perfect valentine card with perfect words carved on it, perfect lines memorized on my grey matter and a perfect chance to win over him. Everything seemed just so flawless in my thoughts.
After college, we were on our way back to our home. And this year, he performed same as the previous one but this valentine, I had been more prudent, I had my card together with me, safe in my pocket.

I dragged him to a nearby open ground and compelled him to close eyes as I wanted to surprise him.

  "My god, you wrote a card for me." he responded with a chuckle and excitement in his eyes after he saw my card.

He unfolded the card and read the verses aloud. Every single word he spoke was the internal voice of my heart. As his eyes passed by the words, they got broader and wider and after the completion of letter, he looked at me and gave me a saccharine smile.

"I love you too." he said and instantly hugged me.

And, there I was under the shade of my new world wholly hallucinated by his aroma and warmness.

"This means we are going to be together, forever?" I asked him.

"Sure." he replied.

"That is we are going to be a family?" I asked him again.

"Ofcourse, we are." he replied.

"This means we are going to marry each other and live together?" I asked him again.

I had placed my head over his warm chest. But that warmness slowly drifted away. I felt cold, I felt succumbed, and I felt frozen as his arms went off mines.

"No gags between these serious talks." he replied me holding my arms and looking through my eyes.

"But I mean it." I replied to him.

"For sure you are going to marry, but not me, you are going  to come across with the girl of your dreams, share a clean love with her, marry her and live your entire life with her, for her." he said.

"But I want to live my entire life with you, for you." my voice boomed a lot low now.

"Haha, you are first-class in love lines. If I were a girl, I would surely have accepted your purposal in a blink lover boy. But you know, two boys cannot carve up love with each other." he laughed and left the periphery.

I was left alone on the ground, alone in my heart. For the moment I seemed frozen, the whole world seemed frozen but the only thing in motion were my tears. I got into my knees and cried until my tears lost their route on my cheeks, shouted against this illicit that subsisted but nothing really mattered.

That was the moment I understood the bitter truth of this world, "A boy cannot share love with a boy.” a truth that transformed my life for perpetuity. This was perhaps an ideal illicit that existed preliminarily in this nature.

If only I could make the world understand that love is not about age, colour, richness and gender. If only I could make them understand that love is a universal language that every age group understands, every colour pursuits, every rich falls poor upon and that every gender believes.

But it would take an era for entire humankind to live up with this. I cannot change the whole human system instead I decided to change myself, my inner she to he. The she that covertly lived within my he flesh, I knew I had to let it go. I had to walk according to the system of this globe; otherwise the predators living in it would curse me with their contradictions. I made my enormous attempts to adjust my inner soft she with a brave he.

But changes are inflexible to bring and for me it was like walking past my deaths. Although what I was attempting was no less than a murder for I was bringing someone’s life to an end. But I had to change; this world had forced me to change and compelled me to be a murderer. Then I started transforming myself to a boy. I begin making conversations with girls, I started listening to raps and metallic songs, I wore hollow jeans and T-shirts and I nomore spent my time infront of the mirror.

I did every single thing for me to suit an ideal he but I still missed the innocent she that I was raised up with. The she which secretly lived within me before. I missed her smile, I missed her laugh, her talks, her interest, her desires, her way and all above I miss that exquisite she.

But now I stand petrified with a titter walking in this clinque world. Finally she has left me, all hollow, all he. Although I don’t see her but sometimes I feel her and that instant, it hurts me. That beautiful she drifted with the blowing winds, she flowed with the moving rivers and penetrated like the rays of sun during the nights, she went far away. Or it better sounds the world took her far away from me. Far away from my sight, far away beyond the heaven, beneath the paradise, far away from the infinite far aways AND I NEVER SAW HER AGAIN.

© Copyright 2019 Sailesh RC. All rights reserved.

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