MIGHTY MICE AND JESUS : THE DAY OF RODENT RECKONING! PART ONE

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Well, it this story has the realism of a Mega-Church preacher and his big haul every Sunday. This story questions the ethics of certain preachers, but has a touch of sci-fiction with rodents saving the day. Much of the story is based in fact, while the rest is maybe just wishful thinking.

Submitted: April 12, 2015

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Submitted: April 12, 2015

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MIGHTY MICE AND JESUS :

THE DAY OF RODENT RECKONING! PART ONE

BY WILEY GEIST.

IN TEXAS, THERE IS GIANT BUILDING HOUSING THE FAITHFUL, MAINLY ON SUNDAY'S AND OTHER RELIGIOUS DATES THAT MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY. (Christmas, Easter and any day when you think God may help you avoid getting caught breaking the law. Certain acts like cheating on your spouse or lying on your income tax and numerous human follies make one turn to god. The big guy in the sky, so to speak.)

The church itself didn't look like a church, as it was once a sporting arena, designed like the Romans amphitheater where citizens are entertained by blood and sports intermingled by the power of the emperor or the owner of the team. This emperor of this current amphitheater is a less imposing figure, looking more like a cross between Billy Graham, Deepka Chopra and a used-car salesman. Sadly, most people have been taken in by this emperor of preaching Santa Claus Christianity for the consumer to believe in. Jesus, like Santa, will bless you with cash and gifts, just believe, and it will be so. Now most people realize that you can hope and pray for things, but that doesn't make it so. It would be nice, but personally, I am still waiting on Santa to deliver a BB-Gun and race car set.So when I saw the crowds watching this man with the big teeth saying Jesus wants them to be rich. I feel sorry for them, just like on Christmas when I hoped for my favorite presents and got socks and underwear instead. However, now let us focus in that Mega-church one hot Texas Sunday....

The humans listened with rapt stupidity thinking that they were next in line for the big payout, but there were other creatures listening who were not so gullible. These creatures had been listening and observing the crowds hoping not to get stepped on, they were mere rodents, the same ones that followed Noah on that stinking ship and endured the smell and filth of the so-called higher beasts. Can you image a ship filling up with elephant dung or a wilder-beast pissing all over the place when a couple of lions got loose? The mice had wondered why Noah decided to bring those damn snakes who almost ruined the whole trip. Nothing makes a rodent more nervous than one those slimy creatures that conned Eve to eat that apple. The whole trip was a like most vacations; a nightmare of bitching and complaining. NOAH'S KIDS KEPT ON SHOUTING “ARE WE THERE YET!” NOAH'S WIFE KEPT KEVITCHING. “WHAT SORT OF A CRUISE IS THIS WITH ALL THESE STINKING AND SMELLY ANIMALS. I SHOULD HAVE MARRIED YOUR BROTHER YOU ARE A CRAZY RELIGIOUS NUT.”

This generation of Mice now scanned and scampered around a giant building almost as big as Noah's ark. The humans would not have noticed that the place was now infested by mice. The mice preferred the term just being neighborly instead of infestation or like the mouse Rodney liked to say: “CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?” Most humans don't notice them, unless they are going to the kitchen for a late-night snack, so when the TWO RODENTS white-footed mouse (Peromyscus leucopus) had discovered a massive building that provided food, warmth and the ability to pursue happiness, they went totally unnoticed. The building was huge. You could have hidden much bigger mammals such as tigers, lions or even elephant if you were so inclined. Most humans vilify rodents, but what most humans don't know that through the marvels of evolution or maybe Jesus, these two mice or meese had larger brains and incredible brand new brain cells growing and firing off information like a genius on that show jeopardy. The rodent's greater brain decided to make this brand-new building the headquarters for a new MOUSE WORLD. It was pure logic and a great sense of survival when they all started to move in.

They had been previously housed at NASA for scientists to run genetic tests for space travel. The mice were given a unknown drug to improve brain cognition. It was the wonder drug called WHAMZIPPIDITYDODA as a code name. It was made by a Chinese Company WuXi PharmaTech, who believed in science and weren't involved with religious debates and had used NASA for their free test bed. Their brain drug was trying to cure Alzheimer and other forms of memory loss.

The Texas government, unlike the Chinese government, stopped teaching real science for something that fit more of the bible teaching method of science and to reduce the cost of education to more of the home-school approach, sadly if you have dumb parents you are screwed. It was also the local government that had set the mice free because of budget cuts, and the fact that most state officials or senators of TEXAS DIDN'T APPROVE OF SUCH NONSENSE OF SCIENCE and budgeting of mouse chow. Clemmens and Tinky now hungry and smarter, the mouses given names by humans, were out sauntering looking for food. Being mice with an acute sense of smell drove them to an office that had the smell of steak and lobster, roasted vegetables and fresh-baked bread. They peaked in and saw a man with giant teeth and suit that must have cost five thousand dollars. Those teeth at first, both scared them. What sort of a human has those giant choppers, and the fact that humans loved meat and killing frightened both. The man, the preacher, the salesman, of the theory that Jesus wants you to be rich, is named Joel Olsteen, and he looks like this, as drawn by Leonardo Mouse:

 

 

 

 

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Tinky and Clemmens: THE MOUSE HEROES OF THE STORY ^^^^

BOOKSIEMOUSEJESUS(1).jpg

 

 

Clemmens watched as the man with big teeth opened up a giant safe in the back of his family's portrait. His sizable grin got even bigger, and he laughed and shouted: “Praise Jesus for all those gullible idiots.” Clemens and Tinky watched from behind the plush carpet, as the man took out loads and loads of green paper. He then stacked the paper into need piles and had a mechanical box that whirled a strange sound when he hit the button. Mr. Smiley now fed in the cash, and the machine printed out a piece of paper. It took over an hour, but he finally finished entering all the paper into the machine. The man looked at the last piece of paper and erupted in a joyous laugh, shouting, “PRAISE THE LORD, SIX HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS, ALL TAX FREE.” Clemmens and Tinky didn't immediately comprehend what was going on, but their new brains now showed images of money, and images from the Internet they had watched during their training at NASA. When they were looked out from their cages, they would see a security guard watch TV all night long and their brains now housed all that information. Their brains started making the connections. That humans need and worship of the green paper, money and that man must be like all those others on what the mouse brain called PRAY TV. Tinky brain fired off PRAY TV EQUALS PAY TV. The man shoved all the money into his briefcase and a big wad of cash he put into his wallet. He smiled that big toothy grin and left the room walking on what appeared to be a cloud of money

 

The preacher man with the big teeth was named Joel Osteen, and he was going to his home in his Ferrari and then take a trip to Hawaii.

BOOKSIEOLSTEENSCAR.jpg

Clemmens watched, and his brain flashed a message from his accidental viewing of PBS on the life of Jesus. The message said: Historically, Jesus walked most places or lastly rode a Jackass. Jesus would likely be confused by a preacher in a Ferrari? Most likely, Jesus would drive around in a Chevy if necessary.

  “Truly, I say to you, only with difficulty will a rich person enter the kingdom of heaven. Again, I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God.” Clemmens wasn't sure but his brain was sending him his first message about ethics. His next image was of his family, the smells and sights of living in a cage.

These mice had been around the block literally and knew that humans craved cash to the point of some sort of sickness. They had also experienced the down on your luck, or poor human habitat, where cash was scarce. Like Jesus, the rodents had lived among the poor and knew how they were treated by landlords, and fell prey to those humans who thought they were not part of their species.

Once they had been released from NASA for lack of cash they were but out on the street, and they scurried through the poor side of town, where the people were brown, black and some white wrinkled humans lived. It was where they had found the poorest food and conditions for both mice and men. The food was greasier, the housing ram-shackled and the streets in need of repair. Their cousins, the rats ran the place, and they were very tough and mean in comparison to the pampered science mice. It was Tinky and Clemmen's bigger brain that told them that they needed to find a better environment. They had scampered by humans sleeping on the street, old people and children in tattered clothes looking like a test that scientists would do to see how environment and lack of food affected the life/demise of these creatures. Images and thoughts fired off in their improved brains. The history of humanity showed up in their rodent brains. The images were fed to them as a method to make them living versions of a Google search without the annoying ads. The drug in their brain had fired off information downloaded by the NASA scientists, and it covered the history of the humanity for their trip to Mars. NASA budget cuts had only allowed mice to travel to Mars and not humans. NASA was hoping that aliens would do a brain scan of the poor hapless rodents shot into space and left to their own devices. It was of Mice and Men.

Clemmens now communicated to Tinky that it was necessary to send out a scout to inform poor mouses that their new home would provide sanctuary. The mice chirps and chatter meant, all poor mice welcome for home and warm shelter. Tinky agreed and went into the kitchen and found another mouse who lived behind the frig. The scout mouse now left to announce the new mouse world that was opening, in TEXAS. PRAISE JESUS! 

Bingo, right then and there the mice had taken the action of Jesus while Osteen, and his family got on their private jet. Hopefully, Jesus was watching and smiling down on these holy mice. Was Jesus watching Osteen, and his family sat in comfortable leather seats? Did Jesus see the mice from all over Texas now flocking to his church in Lakewood? 

Does Jesus watch us twenty-four by seven like the NSA? If so he saw Osteen fell asleep. Olsteen dreamed of his trip and his wealth, his mind never had a thought for the poor, or even Jesus while traveling to the land of sun, beaches and drinks with umbrellas. His dirty mind even thought of brown native girls dancing topless for his pleasure.

The minister smirked and dreamed peaceful the thoughts of the devil.

The mice, unlike the minister, had a plan that was more business then pleasure, and they decided that they must give back to mice and men. Lakewood mega church was empty of humans except for a janitor whose job as an illegal was to mop and scrub everything Christian clean. He was paid $4.00 per hour since he was illegal and since the Osteen family needed as much as possible to attain the Christian dream of great wealth. Nobody knew or could remember his name, Jesus Sandoval. He was just a servant to these Christians and never complained when he worked ten hours a night cleaning the church, every inch of the building. Being illegal he was paid off the books with cash, being illegal he couldn't complain that his patrons lived in a mansion, and his pay only provided rice and beans for food. His home was not a mansion or even a nice starter home, but a homemade shelter of wood and tin near all the rest of the homeless of Texas, near the free-way. Poor people and illegals were the outcasts of America, something Jesus Christ would understand.

In theory, Jesus would have been with these poor people and never set-foot in that Mega-Church, unless to drive out the money changers from the Mega-Temple of profits. If Jesus had been here he would hear the scampering like a herd of lemmings heading toward the Mega-Church, the new promised land. This Mega-Church now would be known as Mount Mouse, a future holy relic to the rest of the mouse kind.

A herd of mice showed up, and they were welcomed and shown the necessary hiding places. They hid in the air-conditioning vents or the alcoves of the basement of the mega-church. This church housed food, not for the poor but gave to the church for the coming end of days. It was set up for those who thought the world would end with a bang and not a whimper. The food could have been given to the poor, but it went unused until the mice showed up and found their paradise. All mice or the correct rodent term meese sat around the basement enjoying a giant box of Cheeto's. It was like mouse heaven to the poor mouse from the ghettos. Cheetos were available everywhere, but the supply seemed endless. Tinky and Clemmens now wanted the mice to get ready for the big mouse meeting, to plan on developing a plan to help all those in need whether it be mice or humans.

 ATTENTION MICE! WE ARE HERE TO SUPPORT OUR SOCIETY. THIS PLACE HOUSES US FROM THE HARSH HUMANS WITH TRAPS AND POISONS AND THE CRUEL SIDE OF NATURE WHERE WE END UP EATEN BY A CAT OR HAWK. WHAT WE NEED TO DO IS PLAN HOW TO PROCEED. 

  1. WE HAVE THE RUN OF THE PLACE EVERYDAY, BUT SUNDAY AND CHRISTIAN HOLIDAYS. ON THOSE DAYS, WE WILL HIDE FROM HUMANS.ALL MICE ARE WELCOME, NO MATTER THEIR COLOR OR PARENTAGE, EVEN OUR COUSIN THE RAT WOULD BE ALLOWED IN IF HE IS BEING IN DANGER FROM A CAT.

  2.  WE MUST NOT MAKE A MESS SO THE HUMANS DON'T DISCOVER US.  WE MUST GIVE BACK TO THE HUMANS, WHO GAVE ALL THIS MONEY AND WHO DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT THEIR PREACHER IS A CROOK.

  3. WE WILL GIVE BACK TO BOTH THE MICE COMMUNITY AND HUMAN COMMUNITY.

      1. WE MUST NOT WASTE OUR FOOD OR ENVIRONMENT, SO THAT WE DESTROY OUR WORLD. LET US DEBATE THIS AND PROCEED WITH THE MOUSE VOTE. ALL MICE ARE ALLOWED TO VOTE TO PROCEED WITH THIS PLAN.

A group gathered and discussed with clicks and whirls of mouse talk. “All these rules, is not what we normally live by?” One mouse named Rand Tall agitated while communicating his distrust with tail twitches. Another mouse named Zed Cruise, said, “we don't have to help anyone, every mouse for themselves and screw the humans. That is what we live by: Screw the humans, they have just set traps for us and are pure evil and every mouse provides for him or herself. If they die, they die. It is the law of nature.”

Clemmens now spoke to the crowd, with a dignity of an old grey mouse who had been around since the days of mouse-traps and daycon. “Well, it is true that humans have done dirty deeds to us, but we have been living off their scraps and have sought shelter in their homes without an invitation. Certainly, we must understand it is in their nature to kill things they are not made to be vegetarians. They are meat-eaters and have that chimp brain which makes them more apt to be killers, but we can help them evolve, like their cousins the gorillas.” “Let decide to stay here and not face the cruel world and rebuild a mouse-city where we are safe and secure. The humans had built a temple, but is empty and the man running it seems to be stealing their money, so it would far to give back to some of these humans.” “Let us vote to stay and start a new world if we can keep it.”

Votes were taken with mouse paws being lifted up once for yes, or twice for no. “The Yeah, have it.” Now it was settled, and plans were being drawn up for the mouse-city.

While the preacher and his family were surfing, eating and frolicking in the sun, the mice community was on the move. Mice from the poor side of town came in droves and reported that like themselves, the humans were struggling. The minister's family in the sun, never thought of what it was like not having a private jet or a warm vacation doing nothing more meaningful than planning what restaurateur would kiss their ass and give them a free meal for the publicity. The rich like freebies, just like any mouse likes a box of unattended cereal left open in the cupboard. In the basement, the mice divided the food and planned for the future. They built a whole city in the air-conditioning vents since Texas weather is more like Hell, than hell is. Mice sentries were posted on the look out for cats and humans, and high pitch alarm would sound undetectable to humans, and the mice would scatter for their predestined hiding places. Clemmens still pondered what he could do for the poor human, and even though his brain was expanding by that Chinese drug, he couldn't come up with an answer until that preacher came home from his trip. As the family, stepped off the private plane, all tan and brown like a Mexican migrant worker, they felt great, as Jesus preordained that their lives would be like walking on clouds. They now had to go back into the actor mode, when seeing those normal, unwashed masses, the preacher and his wife turned on the fake smiles and sayings, like “JESUS LOVES, YOU AND JUST WAIT FOR HIS KINGDOM TO COME.”

  This vague message, didn't invoke any real questions, like when and how does he love me and what is in this kingdom? 

The hardest part of the minister and his wife's job was pretending to care and to avoid actually giving up any of their ill-gotten gains. Joel could work a large crowd, but unlike Jesus, he didn't like small crowds or individuals asking for his help. He would scatter like mouse entering a pet shop full of cats when he saw somebody who looked in need. Therefore, the private jet and the Ferai were means of fast escape. Poor Jesus, just had a jackass for transport and most of the masses could catch up to that slow beast. 

Praise Jesus, or whoever when the truth is revealed, but when Joel went back to work, just outside his Church, he was confronted by one of those ugly members of the public who were in need and expected help. This moment would have disappeared into an awkward moment since TMZ was busy with Pop-stars and porn stars and never covered the religious pop stars, but it was Tinky, who happened to at the backdoor when he saw this moment in religious history. A man was standing in the alley behind the mega-church going through the dumpster, looking for something, most likely food. He was buried among the trash, as Joel walked to the backdoor. 

Joel was fumbling for his key card to get in when the man popped up from the dumpster. Joel was stunned, as the man struggled and climbed out of the dumpster. 

The man shouted with glee, as if he had found gold bars in the dumpster. “MINISTER JOEL, MR. OSTEEN THANK GOD, I HAVE FINELY MET YOU!”

Just as he found the key card, this stranger confronted his sensibilities. His mind said Jesus, just let me get inside. I hate dealing with the public.

Joel automatically put on that big fake smile, like a porn star, or movie star trying to get a role in a hit movie. Joel had to hide his disdain for the man who was dressed shabbily and smelled of sweat mixed with dirt, and the touch of failure, no cologne, not even the cheap stuff of Brutt to hide his human stench. 

The man looked at the minister at told his story: “ I need help now. My wife is sick, and I lost my job and have run out of unemployment insurance.” The man thought a few dollars from this well-dressed preacher would be coming forth. He didn't have his hand out, but thought for sure that a man of God would help him. He had always prayed and never had been a real bad person.

Instead of reaching in his pocket and pulling out his spending money, Joel just patted the man on the back and saying:

“I believe if you keep your faith, you keep your trust. You keep the right attitude, if you're grateful, you'll see God open up new doors. ''

The preacher then flashed his key card at the optical scanner, and the door opened magically. The preacher ran inside. Tinky viewed all this from his hole in the wall. He saw the man walk away crying, as if he lost his whole world or least he lost his belief system, which seemed just as bad. Joel shook his head with disgust while briskly walking in. He muttered a curse word under his breath; His well-fed and athletic body moved quickly to his office and his leather chair from Italy. He reached for container of wipes to get the germs off his well-tanned and smooth hand. You can't be too careful touching the unwashed public. Tinky ran to Clemmens to report what he had seen. “Clemmie, you won't believe what I saw.” 

Clemmie thought he meant he saw a giant cat. “I saw the preacher coming back and not helping a fellow human. He just ran away that preacher man. This poor man was struggling, but the preacher only patted him on the back and left without any help. He is just like a greedy rat, no worse than a rat, or even a lousy cat.”

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Clemmie took this all in his brain, and realized that he needed a plan, and bing, bang, zing, he had it: These poor people need money, and this preacher is loaded. He has a safe full of cash, that could be put to good use. “Tinky, I have a plan, but we will need a team to do a little safe cracking.”

Get the gang together so we can come up with the plan.” A gang of ten mice were part of this plan, to keep it simple. Clemmens spoke about the need to keep true to his original political speech; unlike human politicians, he tried to fulfill all his promises. “Remember, I spoke of the need to repay something back to the humans for are life among them.” The mice in the audience, nodded affirmative. “Well, we do know that the poor are still suffering, and this Church seems to be hoarding money that could be used to help them.” Most mice nodded, except two mice who had barged into the meeting. Cruise and Rand Tall decided to let their feelings known and wanted to usurp, Clemmen's leadership for themselves.

Cruise, the most vocal mouse who happened to be an immigrant to the mouse-world originally from Cuba and illegally came into Canada later America, now twitched and jerked about next saying:

WHAT GOOD CAN COME BY HELPING HUMANS, THE POOR ARE ALWAYS POOR AND SHOW A LACK OF SKILL, IF THE HUMANS DESPISE, SO SHALL WE.” 

Rand Tall, now spoke up as not to be upstaged: “ Any part of intervention would cause harm, let their god, or whatever take care of it. A mouse role is just to do what his free will guides him, meaning we go for their food and let them figure out how to survive without help.” “Any form of help will only encourage their bad behavior. Humans are lazy primates, and nothing should be done, nothing, nada, zilch.” 

Clemmens now worried that he lost his follow mice. “I have been gifted with some knowledge, and the humans having been giving insights into something called ethics and love.” 

“You mice, don't realize we and the rats, insects will inherit the whole planet, and the humans are doomed to destroy themselves, but if we adopt anything good throughout them we will great a mice society that can survive and teach the humans that the message of living is more than just one day or holiday a year. We might just might make them more compassionate making our life easier.” Rand Tall and Cruise snarled a note of disgust. “HELPING EITHER MICE OR MAN IS A WASTE OF THE LAWS OF NATURE.” 

Clemmens shook this off and kept on going. “The minister or faux minister has a safe full of that green paper, money, human's version of seed corn. If we break into and take it, we can give back to the poor and needy of both mice and men. We teach the humans a lesson. It is like those bible stories, from that Mexican fellow, Jesus. You know he was kind, and he created a buffet from just bread and water.” Ted Cruise snarled, “YEAH, AND THE HUMANS KILLED HIM, DEADER THAN A MOUSE IN STEEL SPRUNG TRAP.” 

Clemmens, implored once more to win the crowd,'' according to my calculations, the humans don't have much time on earth, so if there is a mouse-god or any god maybe if we help at little we survive, the coming doom of this planet.'' “If you meese had noticed the weather has gotten hotter here, and the water table is shrinking.” 

“Okay, let us vote on our plan.” Cruise and Tall now grumbled trying to get the crowd on their side, but they could only turn a few mice not to vote for Clemmins plan.” 

“Well, it set. We watch that minister put money in the safe, and we watch him put in the combination, then when all the humans are gone, we get the green stuff.” 

“Then we buy mice vitamins and bedding and see if we can give some of the money back to those poor humans. We directly can go to the poor and not trust one those TV preachers who kept the money for themselves.” Clemmens now set about making it the perfect crime. He cased the office on Minister Joel Osteen. He and Tinky watched every weekend to see the minister deposit the weekends take of money from the rather large collection baskets. They watched as Joel and his counting machine got each weekend $500,000 to $600,000 per weekend. They watched as the money was then divided into packets some directly into his meaty hands, while others were sent to a local Texas bank that kept in a safety box. This money was all Tax free. Did any of the money go to Charity? Tinky and Clemmens debated this with the grumbles, and grouchy Ted Cruise and Rand Tall, who said it was the humans right to give to their own charities, and mousedom should keep their whiskers clean. Clemmen's brain along with Tinky had been expanding exponentially with the drug they were given. They now thought like humans and found themselves performing weirdly human tasks. It was a mouse using a mouse-pad on computer that discovered the truth, the sacred truth. Here is what the Google search Clemmens did on the Joel Olsteen charity results.

Joel Osteen Ministries

Did Not Disclose

800-278-0520

Post Office Box 4600
Houston, TX 77210

http://www.joelosteen.com

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  • Clemmens and Tinky now knew that stealing from this man, that Joel Osteen, was not a crime or even a sin. He was a thief, so mouse logic, informed them that it is not a crime to steal from a thief. “We will need a team of meese to pull this off, and once we get the code for the safe. We will be in like Flynn, or Bond.” Their mouse brains now had been gathering information from all sources of media. They watched TVs, computers, left-over magazines, and unused bible that had been left lying around this palace for the God of money. Both Clemmens and Tinky's brain had reached the level of human brains as the drug they had been given had been replicating more brain cells. In fact, their brains didn't age or slow down. The only side effect was the need to take in more calories, mainly in the form of junk food which their bodies now burned off faster than before. 

    Sugar, grease and fat kept them going, and lucky for them the Osteen's kids had hidden stashes of Junk food hidden from their father in his work-palace. Joel himself was a health-food nut, as, his whole shtick was being the sexy-bible thumping con-man. Osteen was known to live on carrot sticks and celery to look good on camera, like most men whose mug is on TV. He was worried that he wasn't pretty enough. Clemmens and Tinky now spent time hiding in Joel's office and watched his movements and when he dropped the cash into the safe. Joel was a man of structure, as he did his show with military precision, he had spent time in the office on Friday, writing his script and finding clean jokes for the crowd. He had help with both. Joel has a ghost writer, and a comedy researcher to help make sure his talk was what the crowd wanted to hear. The hardest part of writing the script was the clean joke, especially in this day and age. Olsteen would not let his guard down, as his writing both books and TV show was kept private from outsiders. Sometimes he would slip up and swear that his staff wasn't performing well. “DAMN IT, WE NEED A BETTER FRIGGIN JOKE THAN THAT ONE.” “FOR FUCKING CHRIST'S SAKE, THIS SCRIPT IS SHIT. YOU GUYS KNOW THAT I GOT TONS OF COMPETITION WITH SWAGGART, ROBERTSON AND GRAHAMN'S KID; along with any two bit bible junkie that gets his mug on TV.”

    “ Remember, you have to perform well to get your bonus, plus remember the-disclosure agreement about you working for me. You never speak of anything, or you forfeit your pay.” 
     

  • Tinky and Clemmens afterwards notice that after the script was done, Joel was now alone. From his Desk, he took a funny device out that looked like a test tube and used fire to create smoke and next inhaled it. This he did every Friday, and he smiled and laughed by himself. He giggled a lot than would steal a Cheetos from his kid's snack food stash.

    On sunday, the preacher man watched as one of his lackey's brought in the collection money bags. The man bringing in the bags was dismissed from office while Joel and sometimes his lovely wife put the money in piles laughing. Then they would put the money in the counting machines, laughing and saying: “Praise Jesus.” Clemmens and Tinky brains fired off a message, what a greedy couple. Clemmens brain flashed with work of Shakespeare's Lady MacBeth. “$600,000.00 baby.” Mrs. Osteen beamed a smile of a beauty queen, and one who loved money as much as her husband, maybe more. “Thank you, Jesus and now we can get that yacht.” Their riches included two homes, not a preacher's little simple home, but a palace of indulgence, not quite as good as the Pope, but still nothing to be sneezed at. The mouse patrol had been infiltrating it for more Intel. Now some of Tinky and Clemmen's offspring were working with for them. Their brains like their fathers were extremely large and impressive. Like that failed politician Christine O'Donnell said, Mouse with human brains is what scientists were working on. Now Tinky and Clemmens offspring, Simon and Paul had taken photos of the Olsteen estate to see how the preacher lived and where all that money was going. Here was the photo they sent on to Clemmens and Tinky. Simon and Paul created the first mouse aircraft, by using a helium balloon with basket to get this marvelous aerial shot of Joel's house.

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The mice plan or more properly known the meese plan was after the place was empty on Monday until Friday was to remove the cash starting on Monday night. They had viewed the combination to Osteen's safe, and ironically it was 666. The sign of the beast, that Tinky and Clemmens thought he used as what man of God would choose that number combination. As for the money, some of the money would put into piles next wrapped in gift paper from Osteen's bookshop storeroom and then drop at the feet of the homeless and at places called the Salvation army.  Tinky and Clemmens also discovered the post-office and with their new computer skills, they printed labels and stamps and mailed the money to some of the needy people and charities. 
 Mouse research showed that it was one of the few honest charities out there. They compiled a mouse give a list that included these as the best place for the money.

 

The Salvation Army
Commissioner, Todd Bassett receives a small salary of only $13,000 per year (plus housing) for managing this $2 billion dollar organization.
96 percent of donated dollars go to the cause.

The American Legion
National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary.
Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!

The Veterans of Foreign Wars
National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary.
Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!

The Disabled American Veterans
National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary.
Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!

The Military Order of Purple Hearts
National Commander receives a $0.00 zero salary.
Your donations go to help Veterans and their families and youth!

The Vietnam Veterans Association
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The easiest choice was the Salvation Army in Houston Texas for now and to the homeless directly. 

Joel and his wife entered after the last show on Sunday, their fake smiles disappeared. Money made them earnest with counting the take. Like Bonnie and Clyde, they were famous crooks and loved by many, but unlike Bonnie and Clyde, they were not frightened by the law, as they had found the magic loophole to steal money and so far avoid prison. 

The mice now had planned to start the crime Sunday night around midnight. They knew the devil's code to get into the safe and with enough mice, they could move almost anything, the wonders of mice version of building a pyramid. Ten mice were in front of the safe, five mice stationed as look outs. Clemmens pushed his paws to enter the numeric code on the pad. 666 and bingo the safe door popped open. Ten mice now entered the safe and with their mouths and paws, they started taking out the piles of cash. The next step was putting all that cash in a means of transport. The mice had found a play-room for the kids that had a toy-wagon. This vehicle was perfect for starting the movement of the money.

Once they had the entire piles of cash moved a team of mice divided the money up into envelopes, they stuffed the envelopes and then started the exodus of money from the rich to the poor. I think Jesus would have been proud. They had been a better follower of his teachings than the guy with the big teeth. Clemmens had found a personal computer hooked up to a printer in Olsteens office. He logged on and then printed labels addressed for soup kitchens and the Salvation Army Houston office. He then found foreclosure notices in the paper with names of victims of the banks need for greed. Clemmens and his crew then printed out their names along with gathering up stamps from Olsteens Mailroom, which was stocked with promotional fliers and stamps. The promotional fliers showed a grinning Olsteen either announcing his latest revival meeting with you could attend for fifteen dollars a ticket or from scalpers for a rather larger fee for getting up close to the rock-star preacher, like eight hundred and fifty bucks to get up close and personal.

Most mice who had seen Joel, took a mouse dump on his picture and proceeded on with their work to help the poor. Now mice and their little paws and tongues were applying the stamps to envelopes after stuffing cash inside the envelope, praise Jesus! It took over two hundred mice to take the letters to the local post-box, and they created a mouse ladder to drop all the envelopes in. Finally, the message that Jesus would make you rich, came to fruition. Once the mail got through people were astounded, there was no return address but cash. Twenties, tens and even some fifties. Those people with a religious bent thought it was a divine intervention. Others thought it was just dumb luck or some sort of weird IRS screw up, or stoned drug dealer sending money to the wrong house and wrong person.

 

It was on that Wednesday, when Joel and his wife arrived for their normal review of the safe and to make sure that their corporate Jesus machine was running like a panzer division during the beginning of world-war II. Most times they booked somebody else to give the great speech on Wednesdays; since Joel's empire meant he had to be on the road pushing his latest book. Joel would check that the music group had the proper upbeat music, power-pop singing with euro-disco thump and a big song filled with a white version of gospel. The only word necessary was the throw in the word Jesus every now and then... It had a touch of electronics, a dance-beat and a simple uplifting message. The music would make feel like dancing and hopefully filling up the donation basket. Biblical scholars are certain that Jesus was into music, but if Jesus had been forced to sing it would be more of protest folk-singer in the mold of Woody Guthrie or Pete Seeger. A simple guy with a guitar and sparkling sarcastic wit sung in parables. Joel wisely took out the radical Jesus. Not the one that had thrown the money changers out of the temple and spent time with a Tax-collector and prostitute and made him into a plastic harmless idol, screw his real message just chants his name and saying he will let you groove and dance, a long waiting for him to give you the promised gift of wealth if you are a decent Christian. I am not sure what Jesus would make of a temple that was more a dance club, with lasers and a sound system that was almost as good as the Rolling Stones?

After he did the run-through of the script and music, Joel's wife went to check the receipts from their bookstore and Joel went into his office to unlock his safe and count the loot. His life was golden and he was rich, along with being mega happy. Praise Jesus or the cash. He was planning to another vacation after having another uplifting ghost written book get finished. He smiled broadly as enter his office and waited to open the holy safe, that housed that money Jesus and a gullible audience provided. The office was as quiet as a mouse as he entered the plush office, he was a minister who mirrored the splendor of a Roman emperor, and his feet were cushioned by a cashmere carpet. Going straight to the wall, he moved the giant oil-painting of Jesus, the Jesus of white-people the one with long hair and blue eyes, striking handsome a rugged Nordic view of Jesus, that hid his wall safe. He then entered the famous code 666. The safe's door opened up, and he put in his hand without thinking and felt nothing. Like a lightening bolt from above his perfectly conditional exercised skipped a beat. He broke his own code when he shouted:“WHAT THE HELL?” 

He now poked his big well groomed head into the safe and saw that it was empty, nothing inside, zilch, nada, nothing. Even though he was in perfect health his blood pressure increased, and he started breathing heavy. His mind thought, maybe it was his wife, she was the only other person that knew the code, and she had taken the money? 

As a Christian, his wife should be beyond reproach, but she was known for need for cash, just like a drunk likes their booze. Joel's wife coveted the sparkling and expensive things in life. 

There was that incident on the plane with a stewardess where she caused a scene, she had a temper and could have taken the money out of spite. Did he pissed off his wife lately? That Christian life of a flawless marriage was hard to maintain without a few cracks showing. His mind said she couldn't be cheating on me, since I have the impeccable body and great hair? He had thought that normally, it was a male preacher who got caught with their pants down, Ala Jimmy Swaggart and his hooker problem. Then Joel smirked, remembering that, Jimmy's audience forgave him and Swaggart are still collecting the cash, not as much as Joel, but still enough to put him on easy street, AHMEN!

His mind now flashed. Where is the friggin money? Joel now headed briskly to his bookshop to track down his wife and make sure she had stuffed all that cash somewhere. 

Victoria had was still in the bookshop, schmoozing like a good Christian salesman. Smiling and signing books, with the customary use of the phrases, “Thank you, and Jesus loves you, and nodding, smiling like a Christian robot.” Inside her soul, Victoria Olsteen was sick of it, how can one person pretend to be nice every minute of the day. But, you had to think to get she knew her part in the money was she had to act the part, of being a smiling idiot. Her inner fear was another breakdown. A torrent of nastiness, violence, and obscenities laid within her reptilian brain. You see. She was like all humans, normal. Even you really believe in Christ or whoever is your favorite God. It doesn't make you any less fragile and greedy like any person who has been on this planet, who said that followed the teachings of a higher power. 

Joel walked briskly into the bookstore “ Hello folks. VICTORIA, MY DEAR! We have a special meeting about our inner needs and bible study now.” 

Victoria was taken back, because they never really sat down for anything spiritual in less in front of the camera. “Yes, Dear coming.” 

Both walk back arm in the arm, as Joel whispered to her: “I have to show something in my office.” Victoria, mind whirled, maybe just another damn lawsuit or something that the kids did? Entering the office, he shut the door and locked it. “Follow me to the safe.” They now walked toward the painting that hid the safe, a smiling portrait of their family unit. He moved the painting sideways and entered 666 into the safe key pad. Victoria was now bored thinking that it would be the same oodles of cash. “NOW, DEAR LOOK INSIDE THE SAFE.” Victoria looked in and saw nothing. “Okay, so Victoria did you take the money?” Victoria's mouth hung up and her eyes flashed anger. “NO! I DIDN'T.” 

“How could you THINK THAT!” Joel now knew they had been robbed. BUT HOW? He didn't know that Tinky was hiding in the corner and watching the scene. The guilty mouse found no shame, but did worry what would happen next. Little did he know that their crime, would not be going unpunished, as the preacher and his wife loved money more than anything else. Joel looked at his wife and said, “we have to call the police and get to bottom of this.” 

Victoria, although not listed as the brightest bulb in the socket, actually blurted out something that made Tinky cringe: “I SMELL A RAT!” 

It was closest thing to a deduction than any detective could come up with at that short notice. Tinky now took off running town the air-conditioning shaft to inform the others to be on guard. The police arrived after being called by Joel, and since they weren't looking for mice paw prints that missed the crucial evidence, and Joel along with wife informed the cops that the missing money totaled $600,000.00 for that weekend. This is the end of the story for now, but the next saga is related to human nature and the ability to get even. 

STAY TUNED, BUT WILL IT BE THE DEMISE OF THE RODENTS AND BETTER LUCK FOR THE PREACHER AND HIS WIFE? 

http://www.examiner.com/article/joel-osteen-s-church-theft-opens-can-of-worms-jaws-drop-as-folks-do-the-math 


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