Another Percentage

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Using my experiences of depression to raise awareness. I want people to know that there are people still out there that need help and sit behind a computer in silence. People who hide behind an alter ego to help them get through another day.

Submitted: September 13, 2015

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Submitted: September 13, 2015

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My name is Nicole and I am another statistic. I am the girl that sits quietly in the corner day dreaming about another life. I think about who I could have been if I had made a different choice in life. Who I could have been if I was more active, more artistic more beautiful. I am sure everybody thinks I am strange or a loser. How is it when I stand in a crowd of hundreds of people can I feel so alone?

 

Sometimes I dream about being a hero, I wish I was my alter ego the wolf, I imagine her to be a beautiful long haired woman with a perfect body, skin and hair, everyone either wants her or to be her. At times I think about saving people from danger and earning their respect. Even those who mocked me. I want to be the person everyone could rely on.

 

My life revolves around my computer, I play video games under the name of Wolfgirl, I don't mean to brag but I am pretty famous on the online community. Everyone wanted to play with me. When I was on the internet I could hide who I am and be whoever I wanted to be. When I play my wolf alter ego she is great at fighting, she doesn't take fools lightly and is perfect at conversation. When I am her I can do anything.

 

Many people online have alter egos, many people that you meet have something going on in their lives that they are trying to escape. When I am Wolf I can forget the wrenching depression cloud that follows over my head. Forget the fear of being alone and the fear of losing people. In my real world I had lost so many people, death had been following me like a crazed stalker. I felt guilty for being so depressed and angry like it was all my fault.

 

It got to the point where Nicole was losing control of Wolfgirl and that she was taking over her personality.

 

Wolfgirl had relationships with other players, they loved her. She was able to love for the first time when she met another player. He understood her, but just like Wolfgirl he was an alter ego. He twisted Wolf into a dark and twisted narcissist and distorted Nicole until there was very little signs of her left. He had ripped the heart out of Nicole and turned Wolf into a villain. For many years Wolf and Nicole battled with this player. Nicole's depression worsened and she started to drink heavily, Wolf had become a sickening beast fuelled by alcohol and cigarettes.

 

Nicole was disappearing, only Wolf was remaining. She was no longer the hero Nicole had dreamt her to be. Wolf loved to find unsuspecting guys online and lead them on for weeks. Let them fall for her and then crushing them, people should know how Nicole felt. Wolf got off on punishing other people for what one person had done to Nicole.

 

Wolf then met a group of players, She tried her hardest to work her magic on one of them, but yet it didn't work. It turned out that he was like me and saw right through my plot. We began to talk, slowly over the weeks Wolf began to recede and Nicole was trying to break out. Endless nights of drunken talks and crying fits Nicole began to come back to the real world.

 

Nicole awoke in the real world in a blur of old cigarette smoke and a blazing hangover. I turned off my computer for the first time in years and stood outside. Had I been reborn?

 

I and the other player continued to talk and I began to reconnect with other friends I had made, but not as Wolf as Nicole. I spoke to people online as Nicole for the first time in what seemed like centuries. I opened my heart again and began talking to one player I had not spoken to for 4 years. I was unsure of who he was at first but we began to talk and I remembered, he had been through much like myself.

 

We began a relationship online, just like my other ones online I expected a long distance heart break where we would talk for many months and then we would split apart. But to my surprise he wanted to meet me. Why would he want to meet Nicole? If we met would he be expecting Wolf? Nicole was such a disappointment compared to her. When we met there was a long awkward silence Nicole actually had to talk to a real person for the first time in years.

 

The silence eventually broke with a conversation about games, it then turned to family, and then a long discussion about why I had became Wolf. We spoke all night and I explained what I had been through and that bad things I had done as Wolf.

 

He slowly helped me stop drinking and he encouraged me to see a therapist. Wolf was finally vanishing, I was becoming Nicole again.

 

Time past and I had regained control of my life, happy for the first time in 10 years, that player now lives with me in my house. We have been together a while now. He made me realise that I needed help and that I didn't need Wolf to help me make friends and that I didn't need to pretend to be something I am not.

 

There are many people still out there who suffer from depression who are not receiving the help they need. Being depressed makes you feel like someone else and controls your life.

I hope this story raises awareness an a small example of how depression can feel and that people who suffer from this are not people to some and are just a percentage.

 

 


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