Trapped

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Story summing up depression

Submitted: October 18, 2015

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Submitted: October 18, 2015

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Trapped

 

 

 

I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock, I am exhausted, I had a night fuelled by constant nightmares. I get up and step on to the scales, it doesn't look good, then into the shower and prepare for my day.

 

All ready to go, out of the front door I look up to the sky, nothing but grey, I can't smoke anymore, I had to quit. Out comes the tictacs and off we go. On the bus I see the cheery teaching assistant I work with. God I hate to talk, I just want to stare lifelessly on my phone, well prepare fake smile coming,

 

Work is good, I enjoy what I do, teaching children with learning difficulties, but I envy them because I never got the help in that position.

 

After work I head to the gym, still ansty from not having a cigarette. I start to workout and see myself in the mirror, pure hatred.

 

I get home to my boyfriend, I feel lifeless and cold, I just want to shout at him, I have no idea why.

 

A part of me feels like I take stuff out on him because I have never been in an equal powered relationship position before, I shouldn't use my anger from previous relationships and take it out on him.

 

I feel vulnerable.

I feel alone.

I feel depressed.

I feel angry.

I feel disgusting.

I feel irrisponsible.

I feel hated.

I feel empty.

 

I don't know why after all this time I can feel like this. I should be happy, I want to be happy, why can't I be happy.

 

Sometimes I don't feel like coming home I just want to sit somewhere cold and wet and feel something, I thought my depression would go now I am with him but it hasn't. It simply has numbed me more because I feel I should punish myself because I don't deserve this.

 

I hate that I feel I must be in control because I am afraid if I am not I will get hurt again.

 

I don't want to be scared anymore.

 

I know he will not hurt me but why do I feel like he will.

 

I hate my body and I envy him for making it look easy.

 

I'm sorry but I need help.....

 

Someone help me...


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