soccer fields and lonliness

Reads: 453  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Just a story of a guy and his problems finding meaning in a lonely life.

Disclaimer: there are going to be a shit ton of errors in this paper, because I wrote it once rather quickly without really thinking about anything in particular. I did not look it over, and frankly, I don't give a shit if it's full of errors. I just need to express myself.

 

The wind blows across my face. It isn't harsh, rather, it is delightfully delicate and peaceful. It is an embrace that I have long since learned to love.

 

I am alone on a soccer field. There are, of course, buildings scattered around me. But, in this instance, I am alone. Sure, there are people moving around and interacting and living their lives around me, but I am not one of them. I am separate, and frankly, separate is good. I enjoy being alone. Kind of.

 

The music pumps up louder and louder. It's that repetitive techno music designed to let the masses know that it is time to party. I've heard this song at every single fucking party I've gone to, and yet, people never seem to get tired of it. Is it because they are genuinely surprised every time the song comes on, or because they want to delude themselves into thinking that this is what they want?

 

Let me tell you, that being an outsider sucks. I'm sorry, but that's just the way to describe it. I'm continually on the outside looking in, which is the definition of an outsider. Oh, I'm not your typical outsider. I hang out with kids on the “inside” and regularly interact with people. But something inside me is different. Something inside me hurts.

 

I go to dances, and I see people forming connections. Sure, they're just physical, but they're connections nonetheless. They say that it is better to have love and lost than to have never loved at all. Well, I'm one of those that has never loved at all. It's not that I've never had the opportunity, it's just that love means something to me.

 

I'm not saying that the people I know who fuck girls every night aren't in love. They very might well be, and I am extremely jealous of them. However, I couldn't in good conscience find a girl and spend the night with her without attempting to find some connection. I guess I'm just weird that way.

 

I find myself wanting to feel something real, even if it's pain or hurt. I go out and look for fights, because getting the shit kicked out of me will remind me that I am indeed human and that I am part of the human existence... and not just some fucking outsider. Even if I dope or do some crazy drugs, at least I will be experiencing something and not standing on the sidelines like a fucking football player. I want to be in the action, and doing anything that will get me in is genuinely welcomed by me.

 

Sure, drugs are sensory fulfillment. But sensory fulfillment is all I can muster at the moment. I'm not adept enough at finding fulfillment in any other fashion. And as such, this is what I must do. I must entertain myself through artificial methods to give myself a taste of what the real thing is like.

 

So, yes, I'm alone in this field. I have many friends and many hot women friends whom I never have a chance of sleeping with. But it's more than that, I long for a deep and personal connection that I know will never exist. And that's sad. Knowing that you will never connect with someone at a deep level because of your own personal issues is a sordid affair indeed.

 

I think that at the end of the day, we're all looking for someone to whom we can connect with at a personal level. Luckily, for most people, this person exists. But what happens to those who cannot find this connection? Are we doomed to a life of lonelinessm and nothingness? I refuse to believe that that is all there is to this world, and yet it is the only thing I can ever truly find myself thinking about. Am I truly that unloveable? Fuck it. I'm in this soccer field right now, but I might as well be gone. In fact, I think I'd prefer it that way.


Submitted: September 30, 2012

© Copyright 2021 wwerwer1. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments:


Facebook Comments

More True Confessions Short Stories

Other Content by wwerwer1

Short Story / True Confessions