A Glob of Snot

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ever wondered where it all began? Was there a big bang? was there a little old bloke who suddenly decided, "Let there be life"? Or in it's own funny way did fate slip something extra in it's coffee and leave chaos to play the next hand?

Submitted: July 17, 2008

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Submitted: July 17, 2008

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Let’s go back a bit, quite a bit, in fact back when a bit didn’t mean a lot. Before Adam lost his apple and sowed his seed.

Picture it, the Almighty sat on nothing but his haunches, as nothing but the Almighty existed. Now and again He’d create a few chemicals and spells, throw them together and see what happened, nothing much ever did and when it did, it was never quite what he envisioned, so he created a bin to throw all the mess and waste in, no point in cluttering up nothing was there.

Now as time went on (let’s pretend that time existed, being inferior we need this notion.) the bin was beginning to make a few strange noises. The Almighty, being the Almighty, thought nothing of it as he was really starting to get the hang of things. He’d created a chair, as it was really cold sitting on nothing, he’d created a table to sit at in his new chair and feel important, he didn’t really need this as all his creations began in mid-air, collided and ended up in the bin. He’d also created a hat stand, though he hadn’t quite worked out what a hat would be, but still, he placed it in front of the table and stared proudly at it.

It was on one such occasion, when the Almighty was sat at his table gazing at his hat stand that the bin began to bubble and make some seriously disturbing noises. The Almighty seriously disturbed by this started to stand feeling really proud of the one left shoe he’d created (and sometime or other he promised himself he’d create the right.), when the bin made a loud plopping sound and there on the edge sat the vilest looking thing the Almighty had ever seen.

Something like a cross between a politician and a piece of two-by-four spiked with radioactive nails (What’s the difference? You may well ask.).

Quick as a flash the Almighty reached for his fly swatter, then realised he hadn’t yet created one and felt a little silly. As his back was turned the ugly looking creature leapt from the bin and buried its’ teeth into the Almighty’s’ posterior.

"Yeow, hmmm", pause for thought, "BLOODY YEEOOW". And thus were created the spoken word and wounded oath.

These weren’t the only creations of the moment as the ugly looking thing sat there gazing hungrily up at the Almighty. The Almighty seized his hat stand and started striking out at it, shouting, "Shoo, shoo".

All the while he could feel something beginning to clog up his chest, he found it a little difficult to breathe (whatever it was the Almighty breathed.).

Swipe, swipe, "Shoo, shoo, floo, floo, flu."

Now all this was a little disconcerting as the Almighty wasn’t feeling too well at all and this ugly little thing was really starting to bug him.

"Datz bot doo are, Flu bug, a buddy diddle Flu bug!"

And so the immortal enemy of life everywhere was born and even the Almighty was flummoxed as to a cure. Being the Almighty he’d never really needed a cure before, but he really needed one now. Apart from this he wasn’t feeling too bad as he’d never created so much so quickly, speech, exclamation, the thought of a cure and even the aspect of time, (brought about by the need for a cure).

A cure was the most important thing at the moment as his nose was beginning to twitch and he could feel something beginning to clog up his nostrils.

Suddenly the Almighty stopped what he was doing, which pleased the exhausted Flu bug, and began taking a few sharp intakes of what ever it was he breathed.

"Oh doh," he thought, "Dis is duh end, all dose dings I’ve created, all dose dings I’ve yet to create, a righ’d shoe, a had to stand on my stand." The Almighty looked down at the Flu bug who promptly darted away. "Yes and a buddy fly.. No sorry a Flu swadder."

The Almighty’s thoughts were thrown into confusion and mixed with whatever it was that was clogging up his nose, when.

"AAAARRRRCCHHHHOOOOOOOOOO".

Whatever was clogging up the Almighty’s nose leapt out at a terrific rate of speed. All his ideas, all his creations created and those yet to be created. The initial effect of this was to throw the Almighty on to his back, crushing the newly named Flu bug in the process.

The main effect however was quite different.

When the Almighty began to stir and slowly came to, his eyes gradually opened from the effects of aftershock.

"Oh no," he said to himself (obviously, hopefully?), "I must really be ill, look at all those stars".

Unbeknown to the Almighty, all his thoughts had mixed with whatever it was that was clogging up his nose and there had been a multitude of chemical reactions. Little globules hitting each other and either interacting or reacting. A myriad of individual experiments hurtling out from where everything began, no need to go through that again, but now you know why the garden of Eden was so green.

"My my," said the Almighty, pirouetting around himself, amazed at all this activity that was happening all around him, "Looks like I’ll have to create a stouter pair of boots to explore that lot, a note pad and a duffel coat sound good as well".

Peering down he saw the remains of the Flu bug, "Ah there you are my ugly little friend." And swiftly gave it a good kick with his left foot. "Steel toe cap" he thought, "excellent creation."

On his travels the Almighty has witnessed many wondrous sights, though as per the norm they are greatly out numbered by the boring and mundane. One of his greatest discoveries is a planet where they love him so much they have special places where they leave a great number of right shoes out side on racks where he can pick and choose at his leisure, for some strange reason he’d never been quite able to create a right shoe himself.

When he started this voyage of discovery he had no idea of what he may find and was looking forward to the many new and (hopefully) exciting experiences. Now after aeons of research and note taking he realised a single goal. One way or another he was going to cure that damn Flu.

"Atchoo".


© Copyright 2017 Xavier Alexander. All rights reserved.

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