What Will We Do?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A not so well off family that has to deal with a rough but still loving neighborhood. This family has to go through some fairly rough times, with their "creative" son and wackjob grandmother in the house.
This is my first attempt at a play and I know there are things to be revised such as stage directs so read it for the content at plain value and comment.

Submitted: January 27, 2013

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Submitted: January 27, 2013

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CHARACTERS

William: 9 years of age, delusional, hyper-active, overactive imagination, 5’1”, brown hair, green eyes, slim, 110 lbs. intelligent, but still whacky.

Schaquana: 17 years of age, 5’10”, black hair, brown eyes, very large build, 195 lbs.

Eva: William’s mother, 34 years of age, dirty blond hair, blue eyes, 5’9½”, slim build, 130lbs.

Dale: William’s father, 37 years of age, Brown hair, Brown eyes, husky build, 185 lbs, 6 feet even.

Granny Steff, (Steffana): 85 years of age, 5’7”, William’s great grandmother, slim build, 115 lbs, green eyes, white/gray hair, slightly demented.  

SETTING

Outside of William’s apartment on sidewalk, the time is late morning to early noon around 12:30 PM, inner city.

Scene I-1: William, That Poor Delusional Kid

(William walking slowly down side walk with

Schaquana Walking down opposite direction)

William

Hark! What be that cantankerous troll over yonder?

Be it a whale?

(William points at Schaquana)

(Schaquana stands in place angry about

10 feet away from William)

Schaquana

Oh! No you did not just call ME a whale!

(Schaquana takes off purse)

Schaquana

Get over here little boy!

(Schaquana starts hitting William with purse multiple times)

(William shields face with arms)

 

 

William

I pray thee! Cease thy beating of me, thou saucy, vile fish lady!

(Schaquana opens mouth wide as if insulted, starts hitting William more)

Schaquana

I work at a sushi joint little boy!

(Setting changes to inside William’s apartment living room)

(Eva standing at window looking at William, Dale watching television reading sports section of newspaper, granny Steff sitting on couch looking at cat.)

Eva

Oh, dammit, Dale! William thinks he’s Shakespeare again

(Dale continues looking at newspaper)

Dale

Okay, and…

(Eva turns to look at Dale.)

Eva

And… Schaquana is beating him with her purse… Again.

(Dale puts down paper and gets off chair)

 

Dale

Alright, I’ll go and get the net.

(Eva turns back to window)

Eva

You might want to bring the big one.

(Dale walks toward door and puts on jacket)

Dale

How come!

Eva

Because, it looks like he thinks he’s a witch hunter now and he is chasing Schaquana with a flash light and a broom.

Dale

Why does that boy always go after her?

Eva

I think he likes her.

(Dale turns around at Eva and is grossed out)

Dale

Gross, like her?!

Eva

Hey don’t knock off love.

(Dale turns and begins to walk out door with net)

Dale

Alright, hey, just make sure that Granny doesn’t try to “clean” the cat again.

(Eva turns around to dale, then looks at granny)

 

Eva

I don’t think that’s a problem anymore.

(Dale facing door away from rest of room)

Dale

Oh? And why is that?

Eva

Because, she’s having a turf war with the cat over a mouse in the trap in front of the couch.

(Eva turns back to window)

(Dale turns to face Granny, he is confused.)

(Granny hissing like a cat in a turf war with the cat)

 (Dale turns back to door and starts walking out)

Dale

Alright… Then make sure she doesn’t kill the cat.

(Eva stares intensely out the window)

Eva

Oh… Dale you’d better hurry and get Will soon, he thinks he’s a Salem witch hunter now.

(Dale looks up and turns to Eva)

Dale

Cool, that’s a new one.

(Eva turns to Dale in shock)

Eva

Cool?! Dale he’s chasing her around in circles with a flashlight and a broom!

(Dale shrugs)

Dale

Good exercise for her.

 (Dale smiles)

Eva

Dale!

Dale

I know, I’m going.

Eva

Alright, hurry cause’ he’s turning her into a suckling pig now, veggies and everything.  

Dale

I know, wait what? Never mind, alright I’m going.

(Dale walks out door)

(Eva turns back to window)

(to self)Eva

How does the kid change so fast?

(Setting changes back to outside on side walk)

(William on top of Schaquana sticking apple in her mouth)

(Schaquana spits out apple tries to look up at William)

Schaquana

Get your little white booty off of me you twerp!

William

Be silent wench!

(William sticks another apple in Schaquana’s mouth)

(Schaquana spits out apple again)

 

Schaquana

Boy! Where are you getting all of these dern apples from?

William

None of thy business witch!

(Dale comes running out of apartment with net)

Dale

William let Schaquana go now!

Schaquana

Get this little boy off of me!

Dale

I’m trying!

(Dale grabs William in the net)

William

What art thou doing, peasant! Release at once knave!

Dale

William! Listen to me stop this now or I’m going to break this net in your little Shakespearean ass!

(William gets free of net)

William

Burn in hell thou bedlam! The fat saucy witch must die

Schaquana

Boy! You better hope I don’t get out of this.

Dale

William this is the last time I’m saying it get over here now!

William

A pox on thee carl!

(Dale nets William for a second time)

Dale

Stay in the net this time you little bastard!

William

Drown in acid you fat mongrel!

(Dale struggles to keep William in the net)

(Eva runs out of apartment to Dale)

Eva

Dale!

Dale

Oh what now?!

Eva

Dale, I lost Granny, I can’t find her anywhere!

(Dale looks at Eva still struggling with William in shock)

Dale

You what?! How could you lose her?!

Eva

One minute she was there then when I look out the window for a second and as soon as I turn back around she’s gone.

Dale

Well… Where could she…

(The garage door opens and everyone gets quiet and looks)

(Granny Steff walks out in large dress)

Granny

It is I, the Queen!

(Granny lightly waves a scepter like object through air)

(Eva looks at Granny in dumbfoundness)

Eva

Is that my wedding dress?

(Dale also looking at Granny in astonishment)

Dale

Yes, yes it is.

Dale

Is that my wrench she’s using for a scepter?

Eva

Yes, yes it is.

(William looks up at Granny like she really is the Queen)

William

The Queen! What a surprise! (Runs over to Granny and bows before her) My Queen, I ask for the chance to slay this vile demon fish lady (Points to Schaquana) For she is a witch!

Granny

Excellent work my most loyal knight, but release this women, for she is not a witch.

(William looks up in shock)

William

Wherefore, fie! My Queen… how could that vile fat beast be not a witch? Just look at her!

(William points at Schaquana)

Schaquana

(out loud to self) There ya’ll go with the fat again.

William

Silence pig! Or I shall slice your head off hither and anon!

Schaquana

You did not just call me pig boy! Just wait till I get out of these ropes, I’ll ring your neck!

Granny

(Looks up at Schaquana) Please be silent young lady. (Looks back at William) Release her young knight. (Gestures to Schaquana)

(William looks back to Schaquana then to Granny then back to Schaquana then back to Granny)

William

Alas, My Queen, I shall, fain.

Granny

Excellent, I shall now make my leave.

(Turns around begins to walk away)

William

Mark my words, wench shall I find you bewitching anybody! I shall slay you like the beast you are myself!

(Unties Schaquana)

(Schaquana stands up, dusts herself off and begins to walk away)

Schaquana

(To self) Yeah, yeah, yeah, keep talking kid.

(Granny walks up to Eva and Dale)

Granny

(To Dale and Eva) Gets’em every time.

(Granny smiles and walks out)

(Dale and Eva follow her with heads with faces of disbelief)

(Dale and Eva then start to walk off)

(Eva turns to William)

Eva

William, Come on time for dinner.

William

Yes mother be right there.

Eva

(to self) Dang that kid changes quick.

(William starts walking off street, animal starts running towards him)

(Rabid raccoon attacks William)

Eva

Dale! William’s being attack by the raccoon again!

(Dale and Eva run up to William to get raccoon off of him)

Dale

(To Audience) And this is just a normal day.

(SCENE)


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