Before I Fall

Reads: 1658  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 77

Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic

A poem I wrote, probably not as good as the others, something about it doesn't seem right. Could I please have some feedback?

I'm walking across a tightrope,

That's ten thousand feet high,

Clinging to the edge of a cliff,

Afraid I'll slip and die,

Holding on to a string of barbed wire,

With a deep, black pit below,

A lose-lose situation,

Can't hold on, can't let go.

I've locked myself inside,

So no one can get in,

But now I've trapped myself,

I know I'll never win.

I'm walking through the darkness,

Arms forward, so I don't fall,

Blindfolded on a tightrope,

Unaware of what's below.


Submitted: August 06, 2009

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Comments

rebekahBlaue

This is very good. I liked it alot. I'm not sure what it is that doesn't seem right to you but i absolutely adored it. Keep writing and don't stop no matter what! :]

Thu, August 6th, 2009 9:22am

Author
Reply

Thanks! I wasn't sure either...

Fri, August 7th, 2009 1:41am

J R Sweazey

whoa! this was really good! Can't wait until another poem :)

Thu, August 6th, 2009 7:42pm

Author
Reply

Thanks!!! I'm really surprised that I'm getting such good feedback, I didn't think it was that good.

Fri, August 7th, 2009 1:38am

MaddieTheRebel

i really like this one. Keep up the great work. let me know when you write another one

Fri, August 7th, 2009 2:11am

Author
Reply

Thanks!!^^

Fri, August 7th, 2009 1:36am

DeeLee

wow that was really good i liked it a lot!!! i always envy people that can write poems cause i can't write a poem worth crap.

Fri, August 7th, 2009 2:18am

Author
Reply

Thanks! :) I can't right poems unless I don't try. It's confusing.

Fri, August 7th, 2009 1:35am

SLJONES

VERY GOOD , JUST LIKE THE REST YOUR GOOD KEEP IT UP SJ

Fri, August 7th, 2009 9:45am

Author
Reply

Thank you!!! :D!

Fri, August 7th, 2009 4:36pm

swimFire

What's wrong with it? This is awesome! :] I like it

Fri, August 7th, 2009 2:03pm

Author
Reply

I don't know, it just didn't sound right to me. Thanks for reading!!! ^^

Fri, August 7th, 2009 4:34pm

Jessica George

DUDE!! This was awesome!! I absolutely loved it!...Nice job! I feel like that a lot as well..especially in my nightmares..

.:XxJessxX:.

Fri, August 7th, 2009 7:10pm

Author
Reply

Thanks so much!!! :)

Fri, August 7th, 2009 4:33pm

Kairi

THANK YOU SO FREAKIN' MUCH! For asking me to read this, this was amazing, great job :P

Sat, August 8th, 2009 5:32am

Author
Reply

Thanks, I didn't think it was as good as 'Eyes Like Windows', or 'Fallen Leaves', but apparently I was wrong.

Sat, August 8th, 2009 5:40pm

wesa24

love it....keep on writting no matter what buddy
with love

Sat, August 8th, 2009 5:53am

Author
Reply

Thanks for the encouragement!! :D

Sat, August 8th, 2009 5:38pm

Splendins

I like this poem but maybe it would be better if it was longer or more drawn-out to increase the sense of distance, the rhyming couplet at the end does bring it to a very satisfying close :)

perhaps the bit talking about '...locked myself inside' needs expanded on so that the focus of the poem is not changed as drastically?

hope this helps :)

Sat, August 8th, 2009 4:31pm

Author
Reply

Thanks for reading and commenting! :)

Sat, August 8th, 2009 5:34pm

Bloody Soul

This was amazing! I loved it so much! Wow is all I can say!

Sat, August 8th, 2009 5:57pm

Author
Reply

Thank you!! :D

Sat, August 8th, 2009 5:33pm

Monica Taylor

this is a really good piece! i like the rhyming sceme! very well written!

also the pic you chose is sweet too

?monica

Sat, August 8th, 2009 9:22pm

Author
Reply

Thanks!!! :)

Sat, August 8th, 2009 5:32pm

Silver Shadowrider

your uncertainty is touching
the hearts of many,
But be aware,
you should have not any.
If it hurts so much,
Just let go,
Don't be afraid
of what's below.
If possible,
someone will catch you,
and if not,
Don't be blue.
We, your readers,
Are here for you.

Sun, August 9th, 2009 3:52am

Author
Reply

Thanks so much for the encouragement!!! :)! Love how it rhymes!!!

Sat, August 8th, 2009 10:00pm

kes94kes

Once again it was amazing. Nothing seems wrong with it to me, but maybe it was that this poem is sorta darker than your last two and your just not used to it or something

Mon, August 10th, 2009 2:24pm

Author
Reply

Thanks for reading! Yeah, that's probably it.

Tue, August 11th, 2009 12:46am

122333MexicanPeanut122333

Really, really good!
I love the final line; it's a little dark and unrelenting from the rest of the poem.
Merciless writing!
Mexi

Mon, August 10th, 2009 10:18pm

Author
Reply

Thanks! I will read some of your stuff soon :)

Tue, August 11th, 2009 12:44am

ClaryTheTigeress

You are a very talented writer, I really liked this poem! I'm not good at poetry but I will be posting some soon =)

Tue, August 11th, 2009 7:54am

Author
Reply

Thank you!!! I'm very glad you enjoyed it!

Tue, August 11th, 2009 1:03am

Manders

Hey,
It's really good. Your talented. Sorry I haven't commented eariler but I've had a lot going on. I'll read some more and comment on them.

Thu, August 13th, 2009 3:42am

Author
Reply

Thanks!! No problem about that. :)

Wed, August 12th, 2009 10:30pm

Brian W

As everyone has said this is a good poem I think the best out of what you have posted so far. Great flow and rhyme. Well written you have a talent.

Thu, August 13th, 2009 5:06am

Author
Reply

Thanks so much!!!

Wed, August 12th, 2009 10:23pm

Companion cube

I adore the whole idea of it. Lovely work.

Thu, August 13th, 2009 6:23am

Author
Reply

Thanks!!! :)

Thu, August 13th, 2009 12:51am

Zero Saint

That was really good, as for {something about it doesn't seem right.} well nothing really, I find when I write poems, I look it over and have a feeling that something is not right about, but that is the beauty of potery, it never seem complete. What you don't see your readers will, but as a reader it comes out really well.

I will be reading more of yours

~Zero Saint~

Fri, August 14th, 2009 1:53am

Author
Reply

Thanks!! I really apreciate your support! :)

Thu, August 13th, 2009 10:28pm

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