I am Lost

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
Have you ever felt lost? Like the person who always held you up and kept you in the world just disappeared and you don't know where to go and what to do? I do.

Submitted: February 15, 2008

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Submitted: February 15, 2008

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Have you ever felt alone in the world? Like your just invisible and no one can see you? Like everything around you is just a complete blur? I do.

I didn’t expect it to happen. I didn’t expect to witness what I did. My eyes still sting from the scene and the crying I did afterwards. I didn’t really think that it was possible, to just see it happen. To see my own friend get killed.

His name was Jake. He was like my brother. Always there for me at times I needed him, and I was always there for him when he needed me. He was the only one that had respected me. In kindergarten I used to get bullied and excluded from games. Every day when my mom asked, “So how was school? What did you do?” I made up imaginary people and told her that we played horse and dug holes in the ground for our play toys. My mom was so happy that I was having fun, but it was a lie. Then Jake came along. He got bullied along with me, but separately.One day he saw a girl push me to the ground and take my ball. He went up to her and told her to give the ball back or he would tell on her. From that day on we stuck up for one another. There was no question about our trust. As we grew up together we grew closer and closer until I had thought we were in love. We had tried dating once, but that didn’t work out. It’s a whole different story. But right now, I’m going to tell you this story. Starting at high school was my biggest journey ever. So many changes made my head spin. All the loneliness I had felt in those years has just started to fade away. After all, I am special.

But the thing wasn’t what I felt, it was the journey those feelings took me on. They took me on the ride of popular girls, anger management, losing friends, and making friends with teachers. It all just, came together. But when you take a step on a path, you never know where it will lead you.

It was the first week into high school and Jake and I were having some trouble fitting in. But that didn’t matter to us. We fit in with ourselves perfectly. It was the end of the day and Jake and I were walking towards our buses. Suddenly there was a scream and a gunshot. I grabbed Jake’s arm and he held onto mine. Suddenly the principle came running out the doors calling for a lock down. Hordes of kids screamed and scurried into the building frantically leaving no room for others. I looked at Jake and said that we should go around to the next door so that we would get inside. So we hurried around, but it was a horrible idea. In fact, it was worse then not just running off the grounds. On the other side of the building we just had to meet the murderer. He snorted with laughter and raised his gun, pointing it at me. While the man looked at me with his dark hollow eyes I thought to myself, how could this happen? It was a beautiful sunny day and Jake and I were going to go to the dance this evening. Why did this happen now? Will this really be the end of my life? I kicked the thoughts out of my head and heard my heart pounding all over my body. I could tell that Jake was trembling just as much as I was. His father had been a murderer. He turned on Jake’s mother and shot her, then tried to shoot Jake too. But the police got to him and locked him in jail. Now Jake lived with his new foster parents. Ever since he saw his mom die he couldn’t stand people who held guns.

The man laughed and continued to leer at me. I gulped and then he turned towards Jake. “Give me the girl and I’ll let you go boy,” he said to him. I looked at Jake hopelessly waiting for his answer. Then came the reply.

“No,” was the simple answer. “I won’t let you have her.” The man frowned and shifted his weight. Jake nudged me and out of the corner of his mouth whispered, “Run now, we don’t have lots of time.” I looked back at the man and he continued to look at Jake. Suddenly without a second thought the man pulled the trigger and right before my eyes Jake jumped in front of me. The shot echoed through out the grounds and even farther. Everything was quiet and motionless. The man put his gun back in his pocket and then sped off down the sidewalk away from the school. Then came the tears. They formed in my eyes as I saw what lay before me. Jake was lying on the floor covered in blood. I could feel my nose get stuffy and more tears come. I screamed in terror and dropped to my knees before him. The tears came streaming down my face like an endless river. Most of them dripped off my nose that was already wet and fell on his face. Others streamed down my chin and down my neck. I screamed again and put my hand on his wound. Suddenly a cold and warm liquid touched my hand sending chills up my spine. I lifted it revealing blood. The red liquidly substance dripped from my palm and fell back onto his stained t-shirt. The silence had gone away tragically from my screaming and teachers started to run out of the school wanting to see what the commotion was about.

When the first teacher saw what had happened they called 911 and Jake’s parents. They also called the jail and told them to bring his father. My fourth period teacher Mrs. Inslee held me in a hug away from Jake as the paramedics arrived. I could already hear their sirens wailing in the distance as I was taken away from his side. They squealed louder and louder making my ears want to collapse. But the sound they made dying down was even worse. I burst out in tears and couldn’t stop. Then I tore away from her grip and ran. I don’t know why and I don’t know where but I just ran. I ran away from the commotion. From Jake and from the medical people. Away from the school and away from Jake’s family. Away from everything I ever had and ever wanted. Now, it was all lost. And it was my entire fault.

I fell to my knees as my legs grew tired. They hit the cold pavement and I could feel blood trickle on my legs. I fell to the floor and sobbed my heart out. It was so hard to know what was happening. I couldn’t understand anything anymore. I couldn’t feel anymore. I couldn’t hear anymore, or even see. I think it was what was chosen for me and not what I chose myself that this had all happened. Death, pain, terror, yells, moaning and monsters. That was all I had feared and now it all erupted into my life without any expectation. Without asking they just butt in and ruined my whole universe. Everything I had planned on doing with Jake was now just rubbish and thrown away. All the memories of us were shattered and I couldn’t take it. Too many things stirred in my mind making me feel light headed. Then nausea filled my stomach and it lurched uncomfortably. Then suddenly something rose in my throat and I opened my mouth just as liquid escaped and splattered all over the now wet sidewalk. I rolled over onto my back and closed my eyes trying to force the rest of the vomit back, but it didn’t work. I rolled over on my side once again sending more of it out of my mouth and over my jacket. Suddenly footsteps could be heard running behind me and then a hand lifted me up off the ground. I felt dizzy and couldn’t stand. I leaned against the person accepting the gentle support and then blackness came over me.

I am lost, lost in a world full of chaos and dismay. Where people throw and hit, where people kill and throw a fit.

I am lost

I am lost, in a world full of beauty and kindness. Where people say please and thank you, where people share and help others.

I am lost

I am lost in a world of good and bad. Should I go right, or should I go left? Should I kill and hit, or hug and kiss? Should I remember one place, and forget another? Should I stay in one place, or visit back and forth? This is my world. Where will I go?

I am lost

 

 


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