No feeling

I stare blankly at these four walls

I sit and stare trying not to move

I sit until everything hurts then

I sit until everything stops hurting

I stare until my mind becomes as blank as the walls surrounding me

My desire is to escape reality

I do this so I am not trapped in my own depressed thoughts

My thoughts are to run away from myself and everything else

I want to drink and smoke

And be so fucked up that my body and mind shut down

And I can’t feel feelings anymore

So I am a shell of what was once a life

I try to not focus on the pain

But I remember everything

What have I become?

My sweetest love, everyone I know goes away in the end

I don’t want to feel anymore

No pain

No suffering

No joy

No regret

Nothing

Pain and suffering are different

Pain is the feeling

Suffering is the effect that pain inflicts

This is why I say

If one can endure pain

One can live without suffering

And I am done suffering

All the time I want to get away

And be safe from the world and myself

I will endure the pain

But I will no longer suffer