What Can I Say

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Song Lyrics  |  House: Booksie Classic
Song Fic. What Can I Say? (Pun intended).

Submitted: December 11, 2011

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Submitted: December 11, 2011

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Piercing words, eyes are red
Watched your tail lights in the rain
Empty heart filled with regret
I know we were both to blame

NICHOLE: Tears fell heavily as I stood on my front porch, watching his BMW M6 pull out of my driveway. As if it were even possible, I could feel the rain coming down even harder on me. Was this fight my fault? Or was it his?

Are we even meant to be?

My heart felt heavy, choking back my tears.

I couldn’t find my legs to take me back inside my house, no matter how badly I was shivering.

‘Was this my fault? Did I let him get away?’


And I'm not sorry that it's over
But for the way we let it end
So I said all I had to say
In letters that I threw away

NICHOLE: Scott,

It’s the letter I’ve been working on for the past two days.

‘Am I the one who needs to apologize? Or do I wait for one?’

Scott and I haven’t spoken since our argument. That was three months ago.

I let out a shaky breath and continued to write down everything on my mind at that very moment. The wrongs I’ve done in our relationship that could’ve possibly triggered the worst fight we’ve ever had. The times I got so caught up at work that I was too exhausted to talk to him about my day when I got home. Everything.

But nothing seemed to really match up to what sparked our fight.

Nothing.

So I threw that letter away, too, adding to the pile that was starting beside my trashcan. I sighed and stared at the other blank pieces of paper that sat on my kitchen table, taunting me. Begging me to write down my apologies. But those papers ended up in the same pile as the previous apology letters.

This is pointless.


And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number
But it's been so long, it's never easy
It's like trying to spin the world the other way
What can I say?

NICHOLE: I gave up on writing letters, since none of them were good enough to send to Scott. They never made any sense. And they even occasionally made me sound like I was hopeless and at a loss without him.

‘I’m not hopeless without him…Am I?’

Every time I picked up the phone, I’d enter in half of his number-which I’ve memorized by heart-and end up hanging up the phone.

I did this maybe five times a day.

He was always on my mind.


How did it come to this?
I think about you all the time
It's no excuse, but I wish
That I never made you cry

SCOTT: It doesn’t matter what I’m doing; Nichole always comes into mind. How everything all ended. I can’t wipe the images away; of her crying as I just heartlessly drove away.

I left her behind. Who does that?

I started writing letters, but they never got sent because I wouldn’t mail them.

I couldn’t find the guts to.

What if she hated me?


I'm not sorry that it's over
But for the way we let it end
I couldn't find the words to say

And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number
But it's been so long, it's never easy
It's like trying to spin the world the other way
What can I say? (What can I say?)

SCOTT: Ring…Ring…Ring…

I listened as the phone rang the first three times, but then it hit me…

What could I possibly say to her that doesn’t make me sound desperate? Needy? Or even pathetic?

I hung up quickly, hoping that she wouldn’t see the “missed call”.

She probably wouldn’t even care.

She doesn’t want to hear the things I have to say…


What can I say? (What can I say?)

I hate to think all you had of me
(I said all I had to say)
Is a memory I left you
The space between what was meant to be
(In letters that I threw away)
And the mess that it turned into

SCOTT: “Don’t you get it, Nichole?? I’m no good for you, and you’re no good for me! I don’t know how I could possibly make that any clearer!” I rummaged through her dresser drawers, pulling out my clothes. She was sitting on her bed, her head turned away from me. I could tell she was fighting with herself to keep from crying. She hated crying in front of me; I never understood why. But now’s not the time to worry about that.

When she didn’t say anything, I continued, “It’ll be best if we just went our own separate ways…Trust me.” I shoved the remainder of my clothes into my suitcase and zipped it up.

I stood up straight, with a hand on her bedroom doorknob. “Goodbye, Nichole…”

I didn’t look back, not even when I put my suitcase in the trunk of my car. It began to drizzle, almost like a tragic scene in a movie.

The front door of Nichole’s house opened, though. I shut my trunk and forced myself to look at her. I couldn’t tell if the rain was just running down her face, or if she was crying.

“Don’t…leave, Scott.” These were the very last words she uttered to me. And I was too damned stubborn to listen. I didn’t say anything else, and got into my car.

And I drove off.

And you should know, please believe me
I've picked up the phone a thousand times
And tried to dial your number
But it's been so long, it's never easy
It's like trying to spin the world the other way

It's like trying to spin the world the other way
What can I say?

NICHOLE: I leaned my back against the wall, slowly sliding down. I dropped my phone in my lap and stared at the black screen intently.

I sniffled and leaned my head back against the wall, closing my eyes tightly.

The room felt like it was getting smaller; it was getting harder to breathe.

Harder to breathe without him.


What can I say?

SCOTT: With my phone in hand, I sat on the couch in my living room, waiting. Waiting. Waiting.

‘What am I waiting for? I should be the one to make the first move.’

I drew in a slow breath and unlocked my phone again.

I dialed her number and brought the phone to my hear, listening for a ring.

But I didn’t hear a ring.

Silence.

Then I heard it.

The busy tone…


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