Goodbye note

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Flash Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ones mind can only bear so much before it is forced into hibernation due to cold and unsettling circumstances.

Submitted: December 25, 2010

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Submitted: December 25, 2010

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In my life I have lost many things. I have lost my keys, lost a game, lost track of time, lost an earring, lost a job, lost an art contest, lost my faith… but no other loss can prepare you for the loss of someone you love. Words do not possess the potency needed to describe that gut wrenching feeling that devours your being in its entirety in less than one second. That deflating punch in the stomach, ache that consumes you. I am convinced that I have lost my mind in the midst of all this as well.

I have converted back into the asinine self that I used to be, foolishly poisoning my body and feeding the habit that kills me just to make myself partially numb. I pretend that this calms me. I pretend more now than I ever have in my life, for it is all that I have.

It has been a week since I told the man whom I have shared the past 18 years of my life with that I never wanted to see him again and since the last night that someone has kept the other half of my sleepless bed warm. I blamed him for everything, simply to have someone to blame, unwilling to live with the fact that I have made my own decisions. (I love you Allan, with all of my heart, and I always will.) I blamed him because it was all his idea. It was he who had to chase after this big life that we never thought to be tangible. He effortlessly dragged me along at his feet with little regard for anything or anyone else, and in allowing this to happen, I did the same.

Always craving this thing which we could never seem to find, without the slightest idea in the back of our minds of what it actually was. Happiness? Wealth? Fortune?

We went to Arizona to meet with a man and drink wine. To be civilized and social in the event that it might help us advance in the future. We wore our nicest clothes and decorated our skin in shiny objects in an attempt to look elegant. Was it worth it? Was it worth it?

We left her that day, like we had so many times before, only this time, she was not there when we returned. I never told her how much I loved her. Although I said the three magic words: I love you, before each night had come to an end, I did not accurately express to her the meaning of them the way that I truly should have. For this, I am sorry and will never forgive myself.

In my life I have had many regrets, none of which stand trial to the regret that ails me now. Nothing can erase the things I have done and the choices that I have made which have ultimately led me to my demise. I am slowly decaying from the inside out. There is nothing more of me to medicate, nothing more to comfort, console or overcome, there is nothing more to hold. My mind is a brittle, hollow shell, rotted to the core. So far gone that even maggots no longer chose to dwell in its ruins. My hands are that of a monster, pruned and grotesque with nails chewed down to tiny jagged nubs. I pull fist full’s of stringy hair from my aching head each day in a desperate attempt to feel something, to no avail.

My once blue eyes, now drained and barren with nothing but pain ever showing through. Mirror images of the life which I can no longer stand to behold. A sketchy unicorn who’s pink horn is not fully attached, dangling from an L shaped magnet on the fridge, her pink polka dotted sweater still draped over the kitchen chair from her last breakfast at our table, her pink toothbrush with flattened bristles left on the bathroom sink, her tiny innocent voice giggling in the background on our answering machine message.

Ones mind can only bear so much before it is forced into hibernation due to cold and unsettling circumstances. Forced to shut down and block out its surroundings with little movement or distraction from sleep. My days have become everlasting, cruel winters. My body only content in sleep. To whom ever may find this note in my pocket, I am terribly sorry. And to all of my friends, family and loved ones, I just want you to know that there was nothing any of you could have done to stop me. I need to rest.

~Annalise~


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