I can't be ruined yet

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
I had an assignment in my Poetry & Song class senior year of highschool. We had to choose a form of poetry, and were to write about it when we felt inspiration. I chose Poetry Therapy: Writing to heal yourself. I didn't plan this writing the night I wrenched my heart out crying. I was in a bad long distance relationship and took a ton of emotional abuse. This was a bad night. This poem was the result of an asshole.

Submitted: January 07, 2014

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Submitted: January 07, 2014

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Hopeless, helpless is what I feel

It's not me! It's not whan I'm supposed to be.

I thought I was smart, I thought I was strong?

I thought that my goal was to prove everyone wrong

 

But they pushed me with their eyes;

Scowled, and dared me to fall

And I was supposed to smile with victory,

Not moving from my place.....but they got me.

 

And I'm flat on the ground

Just laying there.....I fell.

I trembled, my knees went weak,

My bones turned to jello and I jiggled over

 

I was a bodiless nothing as I fell

Didn't even know I wasn't on the ledge anymore

Until I found myself a mess on the floor

And now I'm here and I DON'T want to be here

As I wrote the first words of this I shed many a tear

Now I'm laying blank, with a clenching heave in my abs

And the ache echoes up to my throat

But my mouth is closed.

 

I wont open it, because NOBODY wants it

Not even me.

Nobody wants to hear my throat cry

Nor will they hear my reasons, or care of the why

Because the reason is lame with no excuse

And now I feel worthless with no use

As my tears well up some more

And my bottom lip trembles, the sniffles become soft whispers

 

But I wont make a noise or cry

But I'll pick my shit up with a gleam in my eye

Because I'm smart, and sure am strong

And my goal still is to prove everyone wrong.....even him.

 

But I gave in...I just gave in

I cant handle it anymore

Tears streaming down my red face some more

I'm alone now, and I'm okay with hearing MYSELF cry.

 

The only person I thought I needed is getting torn away

He was my life, he was my day and my night

 

I'm so done with this.

With PEOPLE and their crap.

My wet teary face and broken spirit;

Isn't THIS what they wanted to see?

 

My rhyming doesn't even rhyme.

I'm losing myself, and slowly losing...me.

Where am I? Where did I go?

I'm grabbing at the air, shaking people

And asking if THEY know

 

I'm such a wreck

A damaged filthy mess

I've left scum, dirt and chum, and MYSELF

All on the deck

Of a gorgeous beastly pirate ship

 

Where is the Elizabeth Swan monologue

That's supposed to instill braveness and courage

Into my soul before battling

Calypso and Davy Jones?

 

That girl is supposed to be me

Where is my Will Turner?

He's supposed to clash swords by my side

Wrap me in his arms, make me swoon, and stop the cries

Only to have Barbosa wed us while bloodying the enemy

 

Where you might say?

I thought he was the boy miles away in a North Carolina sea

But he's on another ship

And he is steering, he's the captain and doesn't even know it

 

While I'm just laying here flat on my back

On these cold wet boards

The ice water sprays on my face

I just lay here wide awake

 

It's where I'll stay, not much will change

Until my real captain takes charge of this sea

-Of my ship and renews it

He will heal my scars; my despair....

And I'll never fully be okay until he sails here.

 


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