the dark thoughts of an 18 year old girl

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
why live if you can not fly free?

Submitted: September 08, 2010

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Submitted: September 08, 2010

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I understand a life as a failure but what I don’t understand is the people who you thought you could believe in turned their back to you, leave you standing in the cold never to come back…… My life is full of those moments and I thought it was over when I came to San Diego job corps, but I was so very wrong.
My life is full of lies, angry, hate, sorrow, and people telling me of what I should and should not do. I so very tired of it….all of it, I do not understand why I cannot just live my life as I like…. My parents hate me and want me to be six feet under but I fought the suicidal thoughts screaming in my head telling me that my life does not matter ….. I fought because I thought they were all wrong, but I am beginning to believe them ……Slowly the thoughts are draining out the thoughts that are keeping me alive, keeping me in this world…..
The darkness in the world is a scary thing, it is not something a 10 year old should see or know, but I did. I knew of the dark thoughts that mankind is known to have….. I know of hate, angry, lust, sorrow, disappointment, and all of the other dark thought and feelings of what are called mankind….
The life I live is the life one could enjoy as much as hate….. Does one love the life it is given or does it hope for one that is better? Does one cry itself to sleep hopping that the next day would be better or does one give into the wish and go six feet under?
 Humans live thru so very much and could live through so very much more. So why give up? Why bow down to defeat? Why not rise up and say it is enough?
We live in a peaceful violent world.
 I am lost in a sea of people who tell me that I am a failure and that I will never go anywhere in life by the chose I make…….why? Why does it matter what they think? Why did it make my heart ache when my mother said that she hated me? Why can’t I fake a smile and stop crying or even stop cutting? My life is mine… is it not?  
Why do they look at me with eyes of hate and disappointment? I live …..You live….we all live…..so why does it make me feel like I should not be breathing the air that everyone else does?
Hear me ….. My voice is just another voice that cries out into the world begging for a chance to be remembered or even cared for…..I live through the darkness that screams to be released into this world so it may have its way.
Her chose!! Her chose!! Her chose!!
Is it really mine to make? Whenever breath I take is fight to get? Why do they say it is my chose when all of my chooses never would have lead me here?
I hate my family! I hate the government! I hate orangewood! I hate the man how hits me for sport!
All I want to do is live my own life and to be free so I can let the darkness inside me go!!! I want to live! I don’t want to look over my shoulder and see my father with his fist raised ready to hit me! I live in fear of my father and I lie, steal, and cheat to get my own mother to even glance my way…..I live in a shadow of two brothers who are nothing to me but abusive assholes just like the one I call father! The only way I can live is to leave the place I have come to call my home…..why is it that whenever I finally have a chance to live one of the shadows I live under comes to haunt me? Why can I not fly freely?  Should I just give up and die as the shadow that I have become or do I fought to the end so I can fly free ……from death and everyone else? Am I alone on this fight to survive?
Is there anyone else that wants to fly free as well?
Sincerely,
Viollet Gibbs
A.k.a. Raven Tears


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