thoughts?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
my thoughts

Submitted: July 16, 2008

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Submitted: July 16, 2008

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July 16th/17th.

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I'm once again up at 3 Am and my mind is going insane. I am moving from Michigan to Kentucky in about 2 1/2 weeks I am leaving behind EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING I have spent so long building. My mom, My Step Father, My little sister, and My little brother [who I’ve raised since I was 9]. I am leaving my lover & best friend. My best friend, who and her WHOLE family is like my family. I am leaving my 3 best friends, who has helped me up off the ground whenI felt no one was there for me, not even my parents. They have been there to help piece me back together. I’m 15 and have already been through more shit then a 15 year old should have gone through. I will be spending my 16th birthday with my self =/ in March of 09. Maybe this would be good? IDK.... but i have no support nor anyone to talk to. So I write. Expressing myself in every word I write, putting what I feel into it. Right now I am SCARED, lost and alone. For the past 5 years my life has been slowing going down the drain. [[For being 15 I am ALOT more mature the others]] Being a little girl at 5 years old I knew I was depressed but I never and still sometimes don’t understand why. At 9 I was raped by my was cousin, and molested by another. At 10 years old cleaning house and cooking for a family of five. At 11 I was cutting myself HORIBLY always depressed nothing ever made me happy. At 12 I was cutting and abusing hard drugs [i.e. coke, weed, heroin, drinking] at 13 I was and still here recently very sexually active... a teacher caught me with my sleeves up and called my parents. I was locked up in Havenwyck hospital for 3 1/2 weeks. I wad put on medication for depression and bi-polar 1 disorder and OCD. My mom took me off one month later saying I didn’t need it. Everything was somewhat fine for about 2 months. When, once again my step/dad was caught cheating. I once again worried about my mom, tried to shelter my younger siblings from the heartache of what was going on, it stressed me out, not only trying to keep the family together sheltering the younger ones, but trying to be a "mother" to them yet once again, i picked the drugs back up .. i was once pulled back in to my black hole depression. yes, i do understand when something like that happens you need love and support, but i was 13, EVERYTHING was pushed on to be my responsibly. is that selfish? I was/am never good at making friends so I usually try to keep to myself, most of the time they find me =]at 13 on June 28th I was raped by my drunk best friend and her boy friend, seeing how I was on searqul for my bad sleeping habit I was not to drink but I was asleep in her bed. When it happened I tried to fight back but I couldn’t... on July 4th of the same year I seenthem at a firework store I could say anything after they waved too me but stand there and start crying. My friends knew something wasn’t right, seeing how we were best friends and why I didn’t wave back. Well my friend Devon walked up to them and asked what was up. With a smile on their face the said "well we had a wonderful night, although she didn’t like it to much." as they started to elaborate on why they said that I got more upset. "She’s a good piece of ass, well of course when she’s forced" my friend Devon said "you sick son of a bitch your 19 and she 13" he admitted to raping me when the security guard at the store herd and said" that gorse man" we went to the house full of people and I locked myself in to the bed room. Then next day we went to file a report but it wouldn’t go thru although we had a witness who herd him confess. Once again nothing happened. At 14 I watched my best friend get shot 5 feet in front of me. Bad drug deal? I was slipping away, and there was nothing I could do but cut away my pain. My 6 closes friends were shot and killed. Innocent bystanders? Bad drug deal? No one knows. But they will forever be in my hear in loving memory. I love you, guys. On my 15th birthday this past march; my dad was once again caught cheating with his eighth woman in 6th years. It hurt me so bad cause he swares he’s loves my mom and us kids but how could he do that to us? I was hurt because we're his children that’s his wife we WILL be there for him for the rest of his life built he’s willing to RISK EVERY THING for a piece of ass, make me feel like he thinks NOTHING OF US... I continued with the cutting and drugs up until June 17th when I realized that’s not how I wanted to live my life so I asked for help. I was put back into havenwyck to get help for everything, I was doing. I have changed my life 180 although I do still have depression issues, that I will be working on now I’m in the mist of moving to Kentucky to start over new. scared? yes. feeling alone? yes. I have seen alot of death in my life. Am i afraid to die NO? Life is the journey, death is the destination.

COMMENT.

xoxoxoxo

-sara



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