Imagine having spare parts!
It was after I lost my fourth set of keys, my mother solemnly declared, “My child, if some parts of your anatomy were not permanently attached to you… Heaven alone knows what would happen to them.”
It was on this note that I started wondering what the world would be like if we had detachable parts, just imagine…
The doorbell was ringing insistently as I was scrambling to get my gown on. I was cursing my mysterious night visitor right up to when I finally managed to open the door. Smiling glumly in the doorway, my neighbour Jimmy, finally opened his world wise trap.
“Sorry to disturb you so late at night Bev, but I just found this vagina lying in the road. I was wondering if you weren’t maybe looking for yours.”
Aghast I only stared at him until reason made me answer slowly, “All my body parts are accounted for Jimmy. Why in heaven’s name would you think it belonged to me?”
He started twitching nervously and then looked me straight in the eyes, “You are the only female I know who is always losing stuff. I just thought you might not have noticed it fell off, being a woman and all.”
I was on the verge of shaving the skin off his face with my razor sharp tongue, when I remembered this is Jimmy. Good old Jimmy who still believes in Santa and who could not even hurt a fly. He did not mean any harm with his statements. I sighed and answered him, “I assure you I have all my parts. Why don’t you check the paper to see if anyone is missing a vagina?”
“I already checked all the classifieds. There are only ones looking for a missing right ear, a left breast, a nose and a penis. No ad for a missing vagina,” he looked so dejected, I just wanted to cheer him up.
“Why don’t you place an ad in the classifieds tomorrow? I am sure the owner would be glad to hear you found her vagina.”
By the look of the smile on his face, he found this idea brilliant, “What would I write?”
“Just write –
Vagina found in Nelson Mandela Drive.
Extremely hairy, but nicely shaped.
Appears as if it has been used before. –
One more thing, maybe you should give my number. The owner might come to the conclusion you abused her property, you being male and all. I will tell you tomorrow evening if anyone called.”
Exactly ten pass eight the next evening my doorbell rang insistently again. I opened the door to find Jimmy smiling at me as if he just won the lottery.
“Did anyone call? Will the owner be picking up her vagina today?”
“I am so sorry Jimmy. The only person who called today was a twit of a girl who asked if she could borrow the vagina for an evening. She said she had this mega date with the captain of the football team. She wondered if she could use the vagina since it appeared to have been used before, then she would not have to spoil her own. I just told her to get a life. It seems you are stuck with it, my friend.”
His smile plunged all the way to the ground, “In that case, why don’t you take the vagina? Then you have a spare one if you manage to lose yours someday.”
I discreetly closed the door in his face, I knew he got the message loud and clear. Imaging having sex with someone else’s body parts, ménage a trois never really worked for me at all!
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