I remember the television. It was on, i think. I don't know what i was watching. I think i was watching TeenNick. I remember my phone and the vibrations. Me and him were texting, I don't remember the conversation. But i remember that he was sad. Normally, i could just ask him and he'd vent it to me. But that day was different. That day ruined everything. That day almost ended my life. I remember he gave me lots of one-word responses. No matter what i said, it didn't matter. It reminded me of when we first met. We barely knew each other and i think he was shy. Or perhaps, he was bored. But that couldn't be, he always wanted to talk. Maybe my mind is making that up. I honestly wouldn't even know.
That night was so vivid, or so it seems in my mind it was. Maybe that's because i have a very poor memory so even the slightest, faintest reconization of what happened seems like i remember the whole thing.
I always told him i loved him, and he always said it back. We weren't dating, we didn't like each other like that. We meant we loved each other as siblings. He was my older brother, I would always love him like that. Even now, because i refuse to release him from my heart. He always seemed to cheer up when me and him spoke. I remember at school he wasn't feeling good but I gave him a hug and he smiled and laughed, which was rare for Jordan. I will never forget that. I was usually nervous around him and his friends, because they were older than me. Only by a year, maybe not even that much. But they were all so tall... and i'm rather short. It seemed that they were ages older than me. Most of them were tall, anyway. Jordan was kinda short. That night... when i told him i loved him, he said "yeah." which wasn't the response i wanted nor expected. Then he went on to tell me that he didn't love me, that he never wanted anything to do with me. I told him I needed him; he was the one that i always vented to. The one who always made me feel better; even if no one else could. He said he didn't care. He apologized but it wasn't good enough. I started to cry.
I tried to be quiet, usually i can make my crying very quiet or even silent sometimes. But that night, it didnt' even matter. I sobbed loudly like i do when i'm home alone. My parents heard. My dad didn't really care that much, but my mom did. She didn't let me leave until i told her what was wrong. She didn't understand that i really did love him like a brother. She didn't understand WHY i loved him so much. She didn't care. She just thought he was the most terrible person on earth. But i beg to differ, he's not. He's one of my favorite people i know. Even after he left.
I dreamed about him occasionally. I usually cried when i woke up, realizing that he's different now.
I was miserable. That is when i realized what was worst than my worst fear. Previously, before this whole incident, i thought that breakups and being lonely were the worst things ever. What could be more painful? I thought. now i know. As if someone knew i wondered that, and they wanted to show me what was worse. And so they did. Losing a friend that you love so much hurts more than a breakup. It makes you feel even more lonely, even more rejected, even more not worth it.
Then i thought, What could be worse than this? And you know what happened?
I lost another one of my closest friends. It's like in those movies... The cliche' scene where something terrible happens, and the character says "well... at least it can't get any worse!" and then it starts raining, proving them wrong. Sharon was my other close friend who when jordan wasn't there, that's who i went to. Now both those people were gone. I remember very clearly the pain that caused me. I have so many scars from that. Cutting myself... It's happened recently. Which is disappointing considering i was doing so well. That's when i knew i wasn't just doing it for attention or for a cry for help. Because my parents knew i cut myself, they thought i stopped though. After threats of sending me to therapy, i stopped. But recently... Everything's just been too much and so i have a scar on my ankle and on my thigh. I have to strategically cut myself now... great. So that my parents don't find my scars. Because they'll know. Everyone will know....
Every time someone asks me where i got my scar i have to make up some lame excuse like my dog scratched me or i fell down the stairs. Some people don't believe it and i can see it in their eyes. But they keep quiet. Those who don't; who dare question my excuse.. They bother me the most. Because they know yet they taunt me about it. Sometimes when they say stuff like "do you really have a dog...?" I feel like slapping them across the face and just screaming at them. How dare they mock me for self-harm... Its not funny at all. I'd like to see them go through half the stuff i do on a daily basis.
Later, Jordan apologized saying that he just wanted to take a break from his phone and he thought that saying that stuff was the only way he could get me to leave. Which is incorrect; if he would've just said that to me, i would've understood.
But he's still not the same as he was before. He's very different now... It's hard to explain.
He never vents anymore. and when i do, he never helps me. So i stopped venting to him.
Sorry this is so long, guys. Just been having a rough day.
Thanks for reading!
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