Losing Grip on Sanity

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic

Driven to insanity by hurt and pain, she knew that she couldn't carry on like this...

Warning: The following story is a bit morbid and slightly gory. It mentions harmful methods, heavy alcoholism and loss of sanity. Please do not read if you don't think you can cope.

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The room stunk of alcohol.

She crawled across the floor because she was just too exhausted to stand up, and too drunk to trust herself.

She never slept because when she tried, they screamed at her. Haunting her and telling her terrible things, showing her horrible images. They were scary, dark people whose faces were marred and unrecognisable.

She hadn’t slept for days. She hadn’t eaten either; she felt nauseous at the thought of eating. Every time someone tried to talk to her, she screamed at them to leave her alone – she worried that they would turn into another scary person who would harm her. 

Alcohol helped a little, but not much. Even when she gulped it down like it was water it barely kept the voices out of her head. It did give her a bit of sleep though whenever she passed out from drunkenness.

She couldn’t really remember a time when she had last been sober. Or happy. Or sane.

She did know how this whole thing had started though. Seeing the girl she had loved so deeply walk off with some guy had made her feel unbearable pain. She had felt inadequate and as if she hadn’t been enough for her, no matter how much the girl protested against this. Everyone had told her that she would be fine and to just keep her head up. She still cast that off as rubbish now. None of them got how it felt. None of them had been in the same situation as her. They didn’t know that it had rooted feelings of jealousy, resentment and bitterness inside her. They didn’t know that her pain had made her ‘heterophobic’ towards any straight couple which she saw. It was only because it reminded her of her loss.

In the end everyone had listened to her constant screams at them to go away. She just took this as another sign that no one really cared. Everyone had simply been concerned for her out of obligation. They turned tail and fled far too easily for her liking. But at least she had peace away from their patronising words and condescendence.

She ended up feel so hateful inside that she began to lose grip on sanity. The fear she had felt all this time of being inadequate and isolated by the girl she loved came back to haunt her. It morphed into dark figures screeching at her. She hallucinated and saw the faces of the girl and her lacklustre boyfriend, telling her things she had always feared and laughing in her face.

It ended up driving her wild and when the girl – who at the time had still been her friend – came to visit her to see if she was ok, she tried to attack her in rage at what she had done. It shocked both of them because she had always promised never to try to harm the girl.

She hadn’t heard from her again since then. Her boyfriend had probably manipulated her into staying away and then shoved some book about how a straight relationship is the only ‘normal’ relationship into her hands and made her read every page until she believed it.

Now everyone had left her. She was completely alone, isolated just as she had feared. Friends had become enemies because she had been convinced that they were laughing behind her back. Even the most persistent had turned away in the end.

All she had now was her supply of alcohol and her raging hallucinations to keep her company. That and the dark figures which screamed through her mind whenever they got the chance.

She was still good under everything. Somehow she had never quite lost that. But she was a different person on the surface; changed by grief and hurt and resentful of her life. It was almost impossible for her to change back into the better person she had once been; she was so far gone that she didn’t even want to be good anymore and there was certainly no one around to try to help her anymore.

Everything was dead to her, and she was dead to herself. She was just an empty shell now, running on alcohol alone.

She was like an incredibly sick animal. It would probably be kinder to just let her die. That was what she had decided.

But she wasn’t going to sit around and wait for it to happen. That might take days. She couldn’t wait any longer.

It needed to be painful too. She needed to suffer because she knew that she had been a horrible person. And maybe if it was painful, it would cancel out all the pain in her heart. Or what was left of her heart anyway. She acted pretty heartless these days.

She was uncertain of the method. At least until the hallucinations showed up again.

They told her to bang her head against the wall in her lounge, and she obliged, until blood trickled down the side of her face and her head pounded incredibly strong and painfully and she couldn’t even remember the name of the girl she loved anymore (she couldn’t remember her own name either, but that wasn’t at all surprising since she hadn’t been able to remember it for days). Her vision was blurred now, but she could just make out the large, caved in hole which now resided in her wall.

Next the hallucinations guided her to smash the bottle of alcohol nearest to her and use the pieces of sharp glass to slash open her wrists. She screamed out at the pain but persisted, feeling the sting of the alcohol which burnt against the wounds. She collapsed back against the wall and watched dully as life flowed out of her wrists, feeling even weaker with every moment. Drowsiness took over and got worse as she let herself die. The hallucinations stayed with her until the end, screaming at her and taunting her. She didn’t try to fight them off.

It didn’t take long for her to die. She had already been weak from the lack of food and sleep, and from the over-consumption of alcohol. Not only that, her will to live had vanished and she wanted to escape the nightmarish hallucinations and dark shadowy figures.

It took days for them to find her, the loony girl with the smashed up skull and the bleeding wrists. It took even longer for the police to find anyone connected to the girl who could identify her and explain her story.

It wasn’t that she didn’t care; it was just that the girl who she loved so deeply didn’t care properly.

Maybe the insane girl could finally get a shot at everlasting happiness now.


Submitted: April 16, 2012

© Copyright 2022 Xxcarolyn taylorxX . All rights reserved.

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Comments

SPURIOUS

OMG I loved the depth to the story. Although it's sad it was very well written. The story was told very well showing her emotions and the history behind how she got to where she is now. Great job, keep it up :D

Mon, April 16th, 2012 6:33am

Author
Reply

Glad you liked it :). Thanks for commenting :)

Mon, April 16th, 2012 7:11pm

inspiredbylove22

So very dark and desperate. Really nicely written, very emotional. Very good piece :)

Mon, April 16th, 2012 4:08pm

Author
Reply

It's probably the darkest thing I've ever written haha, I shocked myself a little bit with it :P. Thanks :) :)!

Mon, April 16th, 2012 7:16pm

UniqueCho13

I feel like that alot it was very good!!!

Fri, April 20th, 2012 6:24pm

Author
Reply

Thanks :)

Fri, April 20th, 2012 3:03pm

Sabrina Anne

Beautifully written, in a dark, twisted, way. Your style brought the girl's story to life, and I could feel my heart pounding as she descended into insanity. Great work!

Wed, April 25th, 2012 2:09am

Author
Reply

Thanks :)

Thu, April 26th, 2012 1:19am

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