Ashley took a deep sigh. It has to end… this just can’t continue. She thought. The fight would stop, by her hand. Everything would stop… she owed an explanation to Sarah. So she grabbed a pen and paper, and she wrote.
I know that a Lot has happened recently. Not just to you, or to me, but to us. Frankly, I don't know where to start explaining. And I apologize in advance for this extremely long message. I'm also sorry it took so long for me to write it.
(that’s saying something, cause normally I never run out of things to write about)
Shall I start at the beginning then? That's always the easiest spot to start.
Remember how we used to spend almost every weekend together? I'm pretty sure I can say we both had fun, too. Well, after I said what I said to you two months ago, I haven't really been 100% truthful to you, the few times we’ve spoken. I mean, when you asked why I called you a bitch, I didn't tell you exactly what it was that made me call you such a foul word.
So you get the truth.
I was scared. That’s it. I called you a bitch because I was scared. My whole life, I've been moving to different towns and houses and schools, and it seemed that as soon as I was close enough to someone I was ripped away from them. I know that you have had some of your friends move away, but when someone moves away from you, you loose one friend. When you yourself move away, you loose all of your friends.
We had a pretty good friendship, and I won't deny I miss it.
I was scared to loose you. I’ve lost a lot recently, and people who are 'kind' enough to tell me that all I do is complain about my life and my family, and tell me, "you're not the only one who's got it bad, you know"… well, they make me pretty mad.
Never in my life, never, have I ever assumed or said I had it worst.
Honestly, I don't even say I have it bad, just different. I mean, some people are supper popular, but have shit for family. And some people have the golden family, but you'd never guess that by how they are at school.
Honestly, I'm not popular and I would never say I have a golden family. But surprisingly, I wouldn't change any of it.
If it weren't for my family 'experiences', then I would never have been able to sit with you in your basement and cry with you when I was upset. If my family were nicer, I would never have appreciated how welcome I was with you and your family as much as I did, and still do appreciate how welcome I was when all I really wanted and needed at those was to be with people who cared about me.
Recently, I've lost quite a bit. It was bad enough when my mother and I had fights every night, but now there's quite a few extra things to add to my anxiety.
My mother’s Fiancée moved in, so now I have to deal with fighting with my mom and watch those two fight with each other. Shortly after that, two of my closet friends move away at the same time… Remember Hae-Lin and Yasemin? Then my summer was hell, with my mom dragging me all around the country and to every place except the place I wanted to be most.
With you, and the rest of my friends. The few people who I could be positive cared about me.
Then the school year started up. My two best friends gone, my voice horse from yelling at my mom, and my brain full of images of my parents fighting, I walked up to Quinte Secondary School with a smile, because I walked with you.
A couple months went by, and nothing out of the ordinary happened. But I was getting worried. I was hearing things, things I didn't want to hear... about you.
I was being told that all you talked about when I wasn't there was how horrible and mean and annoying I was. I was confused, and I was hurt.
But most of all, I was scared.
I'm sure you know how hard it is to not break down and cry some days, when all you feel like doing is.... well, nothing. And I know that you know I've had stress and worries and failures and changes building up on me for a few years. And then when that Geography period came, and you were joking about 'not loving me' and telling me to get away, all the worries and things that I was told about you not caring about me started to flood my eyes. All I could think was how much I really wanted to break down and cry right then, just cry and cry and cry. I've never been able to go and hug my mother when I was sad, and more then anything I wanted to hug you and cry with you more then you will ever know.
So after all those years, I cracked. I broke down. I snapped and called you bitch, because I was sad and upset and sure that if I didn't yell at someone, I would start crying… and I really did not want that to happen in the middle of Geography class.
Even now, just writing these things, It’s killing me.
Sarah, I'm sorry. I really am.
I'm a strong person, and I don't like to admit when I'm wrong, and I don't like to show weakness. But here I am, writing this to you. Please take note of this, because there has never been anyone I’ve cared about enough to write this to.
I really am sorry. And I want you to know, that me calling you a bitch was not me telling you how I feel about you, and it was not me expressing what I thought you felt about me.
All it that I was doing, was yelling a random offensive word at the first person who brought bad memories into my mind.
I have lots of bad memories.
Sarah, remember the last time you were crying, with me, at your house in your basement when you dad was angry? Well, remember how we sat there, and I said to you:
"Sarah, I love you and all of your family like a second family. I love every last one of you, and everything you have done for me. Just letting me in your home has done more for me then you will ever know. Please remember, that if you ever need a hug, you can show up at my door no matter what time it is. I will always be there if any of your family needs me. Simply because you were there when I really felt like my world was going to collapse."
Sarah, I would travel to the moon and back if it meant I could just see you smile at me again, and give me a hug. I feel sad and empty, and more then anything I just want to be with you again, and cry with you, and even watch the Sunday football game.
I am not ashamed to admit I was wrong, and that I miss you, my only sister.
Putting the pen down, tears already in her eyes, Ashley sealed the envelope tightly. Walking in the rain, she dropped the letter silently in Sarah’s mailbox. Then she turned to leave.
She had barely made it halfway home, when a car pulled to a stop right beside her, in the middle of the street. Ashley stopped and looked at it curiously, as Sarah jumped out.
In her hand, was the letter Ashley had written.
Sarah ran over, in the pouring rain, and fell on Ashley. “I forgive you, I forgive you…” was all she would whimper out, as the two stood there, silently crying in their embrace, as the rain poured harder. “You will always be like a sister to me Ashley. I’ve hated being away from you these last two months.”
Ashley turned her head up to face Sarah. “It’s been hard, I know. It’s been hard for me too. But one thing’s for sure,” Ashley said as she started to smile, “We’ve definitely grown closer threw all of this.”
Arm in arm, the two girls walked down the middle of the street, forgetting the car sitting in the middle of the road with it’s door still open, forgetting the cold rain… Just forgetting.
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