He smiles at me and the feeling is tottaly over whelming. an uncontrollable spasm shoots through me and my knee's buckle under me. i fall down on all fours into a pool of blood and let my love for him crush me. its only a dream i tell myself, though i can't seem to wake up. around me, bodies of girls who has ever touched him lay dead. bruttaly and ruthlessly slaughtered by none other than me. i killed them. i torcherd them till they begged for mercy. then i torcherd them until they begged for death. i watched them as they gasped for their lasts breaths. then i recorded their last words. stillhe smiled at me. he was oblivious to the dead bodies around us. he was blind to them. he couldn't see what the outcome of my love for him did to these girls. he could'nt see what i did for him. he couldn't see my love. his usually beautiful brown eyes were a dull grey. his pupils nonesistent.he was in fact blind. this must be a dream, i say again though it all seems too very real. he stands there. smiling. unmoving. blind. oblivious. niave. innocent. my sweet innocent boy. the one who knows nothing of my love. my want and desire. there is no setting for this moment. everything is white. i can't tell if we're outdoors or in. i dont care. i let out a low whine. a pained cry of desperation. i needed him. i needed him to the point of self destruction. the first time he broke my heart i knew i was in too deep. i knew i had to quit. to sober up and continue my life. the withdrawl symptoms were to much to handle. i fell back into the same endless cycle of lost love. lying to myself, pretending that he ,on some deeper level ,wanted me. needed me. but i wasnt so niaive. he never failed to prove my lies wrong. so what happended when the lies became to transparent. when i wasnt innocent enough to believe my own lies. iblamed myself. i letit remind me that my pain was real. that i wasnt crazy and that it wasnt all in my head. to want someone to believe me when i say im in pain. to not brush me off when i say my heart is broken. it was my internal cry out for help. if i wouldnt ask for help with my lips, my brain would find another way. a more physical way.
i let out another pained cry. he didnt hear me. he still smiled. one of the girls twitched. no. i thought she was dead. "she" meaning his sister. she got in my way and i was force to kill her. at least i thought i did.he saw her twitch too. though i was sure he was blind, there he was. eyes focused. trying to percieve what he was veiwing. he took a step toward her. i whimpered his nameagain. he stopped. i knew he heard me. he turned to see were the noise had come from .he looked dead at me. his expression confused. he was asking me things. things i couldnt possibly begin to answer. it was a barley audible whisper.... and it didnt come from me. it came from his sister. he turned back to her. he walked over to her. i got up to run after him. it was too late. he was holdind her in his arms. i stopped cold in my tracks. his lips were moving. a low unittelegible whisper escaping them. then he held his ear very close to her lips awaiting her response. i saw her lips move but heard no sound come of it. at that moment she pointed a weak trembling finger in my direction.He looked up at me. his face marred with pain. tears flowing relentlessly down his face. " how could you" his voice high pitched and broken. "why would you," his voice cracking so bad he couldnt finish. just a dream. just a dream. " but i love you..." i began but his pain was hurting me. i was back an my knees struggleing under my own weight. i reached out for him, trying to comfort him despite my own unbearable pain. he flinched away from my touch. a look of desperation on his face. desperation to get away from me. another weight seemed to fall upon me.i was now flat on the ground. my lungs too compressed to expand. i was now gasping for air. " i never loved you," his voice didnt crack that time. it was loud and clear and i wish i didnt hear it. i wished i didnt know it all to well. i wished i didnt know it all along. i wished it wernt true.my heart beat was getting louder and louder, until it was nearly the only thing i could hear. nearly. i could still hear him yelling at me. i could still hear the pain in his voice cutting at me like jagged blades. ripping me apart from the inside out. this pain was way too real. it was as if i actually felt thousands of tiny blades cutting at me.it was all very loud and over wheling. the crushing pain, the blood all around me, the yelling. my desperate heart beat.and i just wanted out. i wanted to die..........................................
and you knowwhat they say,"be careful what you wish for". i got my wish. i was prenounced dead at 3:42 AM. i had a nightmare that sent me into cardiac arrest. it was all just a dream..... a dream i didnt make it out of. everyone was right. i was too young. i was in too deep. and it was way too late.
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