Upsetting Houswife

~ I lied down on our bed with eyes facing the window and back to the living room. Actually it was just one room, when taking dinner, we called it dinning room; when playing games or watching movies on computer we called it a living room. Our computers were on the dinning table. It was a big dinning table we found in an old-things store. It occupied 1/3 of the living space. The apartment management office gave us a paper that stated this room is 500 feet. My husband had measured it once, it was totally wrong. It was less than 400 feet, even added the open balcony.
The window was opened, cool wind blew through the screen. Fall was always my favorite season. Some unknown sounds were heard from outside of the window. I knew squirrel and lizard sounds. These were not their sounds. The sky outside the window was light blue. I thought it was the road light which made the dark blue into light blue. A car sounded like its pipe was broken, too loudly, too noisily!
I was so hungry! But I decided not to get up to eat anything.I heard my husband clicked on the mouse, “ta...ta..tata...”. He must have put on his earphones and playing games. I knew that! He didn’t know he hurt me so much, he had never thought about it every time when he upset me. How could he have told me that I was beautiful after he hurt my feelings? He thought I was a small girl, easy to be cheated? Ha, ironic! I knew I am not beautiful, but I am not stupid either!
It was 8:30 PM. Why? If I didn’t make dinner, he would not cook? Right, it was always me who made lunch and dinner! Because I was the housewife.
I was so proud to tell my friends that I was a housewife. I told them how much my husband supported me to be a housewife, how much he respected me. All my friends admired me. Of course all of them are girls. They were trying to look for jobs or earn more money, they always wanted to be better than their husbands, then their husbands would listen to them carefully. One friend couldn’t find job, because she had to take care of her new born baby. But she told me her husband had changed so much. He behaved not like the one who he was when he married her. He had never done any housework, he always said he was tired, tired of earning money to feed his family.  My friend said she had not bought new clothes for a long time. After she born baby, her breasts became bigger than before, so her old bras were not suitable any more. But she felt shy to ask for money from her husband, because she knew her husband would scold her for spending so much money. When I heard about her story, I felt sorry for her and I was so satisfied with my husband! He was so good! He was number one gentle husband in the world!
But when he found that I couldn’t find a job online, he became so upset. He spoke to me the day before yesterday that I should put my dream aside for a while, and look for a job to support our real life. My dream is to become a famous writer one day. I had written some novels, but not one was good enough. That meant, so far, I failed at purchasing my dream. He was right. Our money was always not enough for both of us to live on. But his words of “putting my dream aside” really hurt me. I was so upset, I felt something precious was lost. But I started to look for job online, and I failed. Then he became upset.
At the beginning I said sorry to him. It was not my fault that I couldn’t find a job, it because that my green card was still pending, so I was not legal to work. My husband said he was not upset about me. But I could tell from his expressions, I knew him very well! And he continued talking about our money like every month how much the bank took money from his account for our new car, how much we needed to pay for hospital bills. I shut up my mouth. I was angry at heart.
He knew he made me angry, so he tried to comfort me. He said he was not angry about me, he just felt big pressure, then he said I was so cute. I could understand, but I was unhappy. I felt I fell down to the ground from the sky. My heart was hurt.
Then I decided not to cook dinner and not take dinner. I went to our bed.  My husband put on his socks. I could feel that without needing to face him.  Every morning before he went to work, he sat on the edge of our bed and put his socks on. He always threw his socks in a big sound to made them straight.
“I’m going jogging.” He whispered in my ear, I said nothing. Then I heard him put on shoes and stepped on the grass and his foot steps disappeared into the light blue night.
I remembered Jim in the TV show of The Office. Jim was such a good guy. He was so strong and tall. His love to Pam touched my heart so much. His smile, his teeth, every part of him was so perfect. If I could find a job, and the boss of the company was exactly Jim! Oh, my God. And the most important thing was he would love me, deeply! Even he knew that I had husband maybe I would have kids in the future, but he continued loving me without interrupting my family life. Then I would go to meet him, maybe take dinner with him. He would give me big salary. I didn’t know the exactly number of the pay, 2000 or 3000, I didn’t know. Just big enough to make my husband shut up!
But when I thought when Jim and I went to the sea, I suddenly found he was not so real. His image disappeared into the sea. I tried my best but couldn’t collect all the parts to make a perfect picture of him. He was meaningless to me.
Then I thought about the only friend I knew of my husband’s. His name was Tyler. He was a drunkard. We had met him three or four times. He said my voice was sweet. I bet he liked me. If my husband found another girl who possessed a good job and could make good money every month, then I should go out to date with Tyler. I was the only one who could save him from drinking.  He would change his life style to win my love. He would start self-teaching and become professional in one field, such as stock dealer, lawyer or doctor. No no no, to be a doctor was too late for him, he was 35 already. I heard that getting qualification to be a doctor needed at least 10 years study. Tyler was too old and too poor to become a doctor. Anyway, for loving me, he studied very hard, same as the man in the movie The pursuit of Happiness, and got success at last! Suppose Tyler become a lawyer, my husband wanted a lawyer to get divorce with his new money-earning wife, aha, that would be very very FUN!
My husband’s foot steps woke me up to the reality. I snored to pretend I was sleeping. I heard him opening the pot on the kitchen counter. He thought I was cooking while he was jogging? NO! He started cooking, I snorted too loud that my nose and throat were ticklish.
I looked down upon housewife before. I had full time job before I married my husband. Why I married? Because I wanted to be a mother. Why I married to my husband, but not other men? Because my husband wanted a baby too. If I was legal to get job, then when could I have baby? How about my husband asking me to earn money first instead of having baby? One year, two years, three years, till I can not have babies any more? Oh, yes, that would happen. Money can change a person and his mind! It would be a disaster!
“Honey. Dinner is ready!” My husband said in my ear. I made no answer.
“Honey.” He swayed my arm.
“I don’t want any dinner.”I said.
“No, you should.”
“No.” I shouted.
He turned off the light and lied down beside me.
“What you do?”
“If you don’t eat, I will not eat either.”He said.
No, he couldn’t! He was taking medicine, he was sick. Doctor said he should take dinner before medicine. 
“I am not hungry. If you don’t take dinner, then I will not eat any food in three days.”I threatened him. Why three days? I had just read an article online, it said three days without food except water was very good for health and easy to kill bad cells in our body.
“I knew that. It is good. I will do the same with you.”My husband said.
“Then I will go back to my home tomorrow.”I said.
“OK, OK. I go to eat.” He got up and went to take dinner on the big table.
The problem which he might ask me to delay pregnant time lingered in my mind. If he asks for delay,  I will give him two years, I will listen to him, find a job, earn money. Then after more than two years, when he asks me to have baby, I will say no and kiss goodbye to him. It was a complicated question. If not having baby and earning money meant richness and less living pressure, then I will say good bye to him, because there will be no love for him. If love and baby exist, there would be high pressure and maybe no money for feeding baby...
My husband finished dinner, lied down beside me again, hugged me, and kissed me.
“What are you doing ?” I asked.
“I want to have a baby.” He said.