This is true Love

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
what is it that we call love?

Submitted: June 20, 2015

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Submitted: June 20, 2015

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what is that thing we call feelings? I mean really, what is it? just chemical reactions over different parts of the body that overcome the senses and thoughts? like a man who loves his children. He would do anything for them, even give up everything he knows to make sure they are given everything, sometimes even kill to secure safety for them. But the love a man feels for his children is different from the love he gives to a woman. A woman he desires to touch, he desires to have meaningful conversations and places so much trust in her that the moon would feel like the stars are abandoning it. Love is the most powerful feeling of them all, capable of swaying hearts and giving hope where none exist. we tell ourselves that love is all we need, that love is the answer to all problems and the reasoning behind every desperate and enigmatic situation. Love is the cause of all happiness... right?...

A story. About a boy who only ever knew how to fight, how to get in trouble, broken down by an unfixable system which brings him nothing but emptiness and solitude. this young boy is taken in by a wealthy man. A man who already has five children, yet accepts a sixth, a child who is considered to be a "lost cause". yet the man sees something in his eyes, something that told him there was only greatness in him, that the things he would be able to do, his potential far exceeded that of anyone, even himself. For that reason when the boy stole something, the father forgave him, when the boy failed his classes, the father understood him and when the boy doubted, the father promised. He promised to always be compassionate, to always understand and love unconditionaly. For the first time, the man had broken through the walls the boy had created and reached a softness in his heart, for the first time the boy felt loved, felt that he was truly needed, felt that the only joy he would ever need was that of the father who loved him so dearly. The next day the father was found dead, along with his wife, in their bed. two bullets. two people. the police never found the culprit and the case was treated as some kind of "hit" on the man, yet his children were all spared. they all got separated, forced to live with relatives, but they boy went on in that wretched system which broke him. Now the thing about the story is that the boy finally felt something amazing, something that freed him from that prison he had built for himself because of the love the father had given him, but the way he reasoned all this was different. From all of those feeling, he only saw weakness, he only saw sadness and pain and anger and misery and hatred, but most of all, he felt fear. He felt that someday the father would grow tired of him, the father would throw him away and abandon him just like anyone else would. he feared so much having to find out that all of this was true that he decided not to find out and loaded a gun with two bullets.

see here is my reasoning: love is relative. it is never just one thing, it is never just one person and it is never just measurable. they say that as long as there is love, anything is possible, but the possiblities of things are limited to the consistency of love itself. For a man loses his wife after finding she cheated on him and completely shuts down. He stays up, never doing anything until 2 in the morning, goes out to a 24 hour diner and comes back to his apartment just so he can change and go to work. He becomes dysfunctional, completely broken without ever any hopes of repair and he asks himself " what did I do to deserve this?", "is this really all there is to my life?", "where did I go wrong?" until he finds a new love, a new spark which brightens his life all over again. After a while the man becomes happy again, he is able to find joy and he is finally able to climb out of that hole he was thrown into. But the ex wife suddenly comes back, says she is sorry, says she needs him and begs him to take her back. Now the man is faced with an impossible choice: go back to his past love and hurt the new spark or stay with his new spark and hurt the old love. A man faced with the choice to hurt someone in order to obtain someone else is a man who is asked if he would rather eat his dog in order to survive or would he keep him and play with him for just a few more hours before he dies nonetheless. we are faced with choices just like this one, to hurt someone now or to keep on going knowing that we will break them later. the only reasoning to that is that at least they would be hurting later.

someone came back into my life. someone who I missed so very much in the past year. we had to separate our friendship because her boyfriend thought we had something, which we never did. she was my best friend, the greatest friendship I had ever made in my entire life and I lost her because of the boyfriend I helped her obtain. A year later I had a sense to talk to her. Honestly I was drunk, but it didn't matter. I told her that I simply wanted to talk to her, but the next day she texted me that she didn't. A week from that she told me how sorry she was and that she understood if I never talked to her. I should've never talked to her, but I did. I listened to her cry about her boyfriend cheating. I listened to her sorrows and her pains and I comforted her just like a good friend would. eventually she felt better, she finally laughed and smiled and as soon as she did, she forgot all about me, like a child who outgrows their toys. I felt miserable, like nothing I had ever felt before. I texted her and asked her to go out with me and after a while of begging she accepted. we went shopping, ate ice cream and watched a movie. while I was driving her home I asked her: "what do you see when you look at me?" and she simply responded "I see my friend". my mind went blank, all I wanted was to scream at her and tell her that if I was her friend then why didn't she act like one. why do I feel so used? thrown away like I never even mattered. those words never came out and instead something else did: "when I look at myself in the mirror I see nothing. just an empty shell waiting to be completely devoured of its life, but avoiding it anyways because it's better than the alternative. I don't see my joy anymore, I don't feel happiness anymore, I don't feel sadness either. Just a void so deep that I can't fathom to see the bottom. I am alone, with nothing to care for, not even myself, I even contemplate suicide as a means to an end, but I never truly do it. sometimes I think and I can feel how I will never see past all this. that I will never know what is done of the world after i die and it scares me. it scares the life out of me and I cannot avoid thinking about it because it's so real. I'm scared. I am terrified.". my words scared her, the rest of the trip was silent until I left her at her house which the last words we said were: "goodbye".

love is so painful. truly it is empty, yet we reach out for it with all our might. wether we are broken beyond repair and without any way out, we believe that love is the solution. Like when you get injured, you need someone, a doctor, to fix you up. that is how we see love. we place ourselves in the worst possible situations because we want to be fixed, we want to be rescued and we want to be healed of all our misery. we want to have the perfect excuse to smile without a care in the world, we want to be able to laugh and to talk and to hang out without ever having to drown our sorrows. this is the reality we all live in, wether we realize it or not, this is our truth. yet there is nothing wrong with it. even a lie can be a truth if you believe it to be so and sometimes a little lie is better than admitting the truth. we are simplistic creatures who do nothing but follow our hearts and we will die as such we are... people.


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