Once upon a time in a magical land called Chicago, there lived an old man named Francis. Now, Francis is like most old men you probably know: old. Extremely old, practically sitting in the terminal for Flight 226 to the Afterlife. He also smelled like bark, from a tree. And he spoke Spanish, so when he went to Chinese restaurants he could confuse the waiters even more.
As for this story, however, we will be focusing on his death. You see, one problem Francis never had was his health, he was always healthy, so every day when he sat in the terminal for Flight 226, it would get delayed, and he's have to go home and eat some bacon. However, his one problem was a quite interesting and odd allergy: he was allergic to any sort of touching. If another person of the Homo Sapien Sapien family were to touch him, he would have seizures and die.
As for the story of his death, it goes like this: Francis was going to a Chinese restaurant to eat lunch, he hated the place, but it had good chicken, according to a note found in his journal. The restaurant was called “Foo-Cha-Ming-Ching House”, and it's where the story continues. As he walked into the door's, he was greeted by none other than famed China man Fou-Ak-Mae, who was able to eat a total of twenty hot dogs at the National Hot Dog Competition in rural China, which was held in the summer of 1993. Now, he gives his thought's on the day Francis died, in this exclusive interview. He is quoted directly, unedited, and very talkative.
“Like, girlfriend,” he begins, speaking into the microphone with a modern teen dialect, “you no know crazy until you see him in restaurant. He come in, and go off walls!”
I then asked about the nature of Francis' visit to Foo-Cha-Ming-Ching House, and what he was planning to eat that day.
“Everyday, two to five, girlfriend, we have special on bar. It makes the ladies think of me as, how you say, 'Pimp Daddy,'” he tells me.
It was at that time we decided to review security camera footage from that day. It surprisingly contained crystal clear video and wondrous Dolby Digital® Surround Sound audio. After watching this shocking footage, we had Dan Weston, a hobo we picked up on the side of the street, adapt it into word form. It is presented for you now.
Francis walks in, and is greeted by Fou-Ak-Mae, who tries to shake his hand.
“No!” Francis yells, jumping back, “It'll kill me! It'll freakin' kill me!”
Fou-Ak-Mae proceeds to apologize by touching Francis further.
“Stop now!” Francis yells, “Or I'll kill you before you kill me!”
All of a sudden, Jesse Jackson, who was sitting in the back of the restaurant, jumps up and runs to the front. He grabs Francis by the face, sending him into a seizure.
“Satan, leave this child,” he yells loudly, believing Francis to be possessed by Satan®, “he is now a child of the Lord Jesus? above!”
Francis than drops dead.
“Hallelujah!” Rev. Jackson yells, “Satan® has left this one!”
He then proceeds to sing “Battle Hymn of the Republic” while jumping up and down. A church choir runs in out of nowhere and joins him, disturbing everyone else just trying to have a decent meal of MSG coated dog and cat meat.
Rev. Jackson and the so-called “Choir Squad” were arrested.
They are awaiting trial.
And so we approach the end of this documentary, who was Francis, what would his life have held, we may never know. Thank you for reading, and we're no strangers to love, you know the rules, and so do I. Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna turn around and hurt you!
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