There is this guy I like.
His hair, light brown and his eyes bright pine green. His smell reminds me of first day of spring. I admire him from a distance though. He sits alone and doesn’t seem to have any friends. I don’t know why or how I fell in love with him but I just know that everything about him makes butterflies flutter inside. We are almost total opposites but people say that opposites attract.
“Yuusei, come on pass the ball.” A boy called my name; a boy slightly taller than me and with dark brown hair. His eyes a hazel green are gentle and calm and he has a strong build for his age and size. I’m pretty sure I saw abs on him when we were in the change rooms getting ready for Pe. I blinked realising I had gotten lost in thought. I looked over at the boy I call my friend. I gave him a reassured smile.
“Sorry Ryan.” I said as I passed him the basketball I held in my hands. He then dribbled it towards the hoop and jumped up throwing it in the air from the three pointer line. I watched as the ball went it without touching the back board. Ryan is a transfer student from America. We became mates on the first day he transferred into Horikoshi High School. He is fluent in both English and Japanese and he is only fifteen. His parents had him in a private school somewhere in America and he competed at nationals for basketball.
I stood watching as a cool breeze blew through my short black hair. I pushed back my square framed glasses on my nose and put my hands out to catch the ball Ryan then threw to me.
The day went on like any other. I just walked with my friends to class down the busy hallway as the bell has just rung. I laughed as my mates are being silly and saying jokes. I looked up ahead seeing the light brown haired boy whom I have a crush on…Shiro is his name. He is gazing out the window as he passes me and my group of friends. I sighed softly just wondering how I can get his attention when he is just simply in another world.
Ryan put his arm around my shoulder as we walked and looked at me. He has a cheek grin on his face just simply knowing what I’m thinking about.
“Why don’t you just go talk to him? Make him smile and he’ll become your friend in no time then make him laugh and he’s yours.”
“I can’t just do that…” I sighed as I looked down at my feet. “No one has successfully woken him up into reality. No one exists in his world…”
“That’s why you have to be pushy. If you don’t get him to talk then he’ll be too far out of reach later on. Come on, where’s the confident, brave Yuusei I know?” He tilted his head to the side and ruffled my hair a bit. “Need to just go up to him and get his attention. Make a mark that will surely make him think about you.” Ryan let go of me as I slowly lifted my head. Ryan is the only one who knows about my secret of being gay. I’ve dated women only just so my friends don’t find out but it never felt right. I really do feel bad for hurting the girls’ hearts but it’s not easy. I know most of my friends are okay with gays but at the same time I just don’t feel the need to tell them. Ryan is my only closest friend and the others are just people who I hang out with because we all get included in the group.
“Thank you Ryan.” I smiled softly feeling a bit more confident in myself.
“No problem Yuusei, I just want you to be happy and not moping about pretending everything is okay when it’s not. So go get him tiger.” He winked at me with a soft chuckle and waved goodbye as we branched off to our own classes. I sighed a little and shook my head with a smile. I don’t know what I would do without Ryan.
It is lunch time already and I told Ryan I am going to go man up and talk to Shiro. I know he would probably ignore me but like Ryan said, if I don’t talk to him now then he will get too far out of my reach.
I walked into the library and looked over towards the shelves of books and tables with other students quietly doing their own thing. My cheeks tinged a light pink colour as I saw Shiro standing over at the fantasy section. I put my bag up and casually walk in his direction. I could feel my heart rate beating faster as I walked closer. Shiro seems to be distracted by looking for a book as I gulp back my nerves and stood near him. I looked at him then instantly turned and faced the shelf behind him as he moved is head glancing in my direction for a second before resuming to look for a book. I can feel sweat beading on my forehead as I nervously stood there. I don’t know why I feel so nervous right now I mean I’ve talked to plenty of strangers before but right now, I just can’t seem to open my mouth.
I take a silent stiff breath as I try to relax. I turned my head a little and glimpsed at him. Shiro has picked up a book and is reading the back of it. I bit the edge of my lip before opening my mouth to speak.
“Is it any good?” Shiro took a moment before he glanced back at me expressionless for a few moments then back at the book. I feel like I’ve been shot in the back with rejection. He is really hard to crack. I don’t think I have ever heard his voice too. He just dazes off and sits alone with an impassive look.
I’ve once been able to gaze into his gorgeous pine green orbs that hide behind his fringe. His long dark eyelashes flutter in slow motion as he blinks. His luscious lips make me just want to kiss him deeply and passionately. If only there is easier ways to tell the one person you love just how much they really mean to you.
I now feel so awkward and I don’t have a clue what to say next. I want to grab his attention. I want him to notice me and acknowledge me. I want him to hear what I have to say and give me an answer. If he won’t try to feel the same way I feel for him then I’ll let him go. I may continue to love him but because I love him I just want him to be happy.
In the corner of my eye I saw Shiro move away with a book in his hand and walked over to an empty table. I really am hopeless and I don’t know what to do. I bite my lip in frustration before carefully planning what I should do next. I then walked over to my bag on the other side of the room and flipped over the cover before diving into my bag and pulled out my sketch pad and pencils. I don’t think I will be able to talk to him again this lunch break but if I sit at another table then I could sneak a sketch of him. I look land sound like some sort of stalker or over obsessed love-struck person but if drawing is my only way of admiring him when he isn’t around then this is what I will do when I have the chance.
I picked a seat at a table just behind his peripheral vision so he won’t see me looking up at him. I opened up to a new page and started sketching the outline of his figure sitting down. Shiro is just buried into his book so it will be easy to draw him as he won’t move too much hopefully.
I looked up every now and then getting the outline of his body before getting the detail in of his cloths and hair then the side of his face. Even though he is a little shorter than me and skinner, in my eyes he is perfect. The only thing I would change about him is his closed off side. If he opened up a bit more, or just to me then it would make me feel better. I also just want to know why he is so distant and antisocial. I don’t think someone has said for everyone to ignore him for any particular reason but I’m sure it’s just who he is or something happened in his past.
The bell rung again and I sighed. Again I didn’t really get to talk to him. I need a plan B. I got up and packed my things away looking up at Shiro as he walked out of the library with his bag. I might just have to ask Ryan for a bit of help this time. Ryan is popular with the girls but he is quite the gentleman and treats everyone equally. He is just an overall great guy.
I walked to my next class trying to think of ideas myself but unless I don’t think of something quick it will be impossible to talk to him.
School’s out and I met up with Ryan again outside the gates. He lives right near me so we catch the same bus home. Ryan leant against the fence as he thought of what I could do for a plan B.
“Mmm…What’s his favourite hobby or what does he like to do?” Ryan finally looked up at me. I thought for a minute before remembering.
“He draws. He is in a different class but I have seen his drawings and they are really good.”
“Well that’s great I mean you like to draw too so why not make a drawing club?”
“Drawing club?” I tilted my head to the slide a little as I raised my brow. “But wouldn’t I need other people to join too?” Ryan shook his head as the bus arrived. He got off the fence as I continued looking at him a bit confused as we walked over to line up and get on.
“We’ll I don’t think he would ask how many people are in the club but if he does then say something like ‘you’re the first I asked as I know you like drawing.’ It’s simple and I bet if you keep asking then he will eventually have to say yes.”
“I don’t know…Where would I hold the club?”
“At your place silly. Your parents don’t come home for at least three or four hours after school so it’s not like they would care and it’s the perfect place to create a bond. What do you think?” Ryan sat down on a seat looking up at me. I bit my lip a little and sat down thinking about the idea.
“I guess I could try but what if he says ‘no’ and just continues to refuse?”
“Then plan C?” Ryan chuckled a little as once all the student were on and settled the bus drove off heading to drop us at home. I sigh softly and scratch the back of my head. This idea will either be terrible or successful.
The next day I walked up to Shiro in the library and asked him if he wanted to join my ‘art club’. He just glanced at me and ignored me. I then started talking about how I’ve seen his works and that he should really think about joining. Of course the whole time I had a slight red face and my hands were shaking as I was nervous talking to him. Ryan gave me confidence to talk to him whom I did but I still felt nervous.
For the rest of today I talked to Ryan trying to calm my nerves and all he said was ‘Keep asking every day. Even if he says no then you can feel proud of yourself for going up to him and talking.’ I felt something inside me click and this boost of confidence came to me. So all I need to do is keep going up to him and ask if he would like to join and if he tells me never to ask again then I don’t. Shiro hasn’t actually said for me to stop asking him but at the same time with Ryan’s plan I don’t want to annoy Shiro. What if he doesn’t want me to ever speak to him? I guess it would take me some time to understand but if it’s what he really wants and it makes him happy then I’ll do it even if it really hurts.
I sigh softly as I stood on the basketball court at lunch time. Ryan said he had to go talk to a few teachers so I stayed and just practiced my shooting skills. I’m not as good as Ryan but I’m one of the best at this school so I’m roughly third or fourth overall but in shooting I’m the second best.
I dribbled the ball on the spot and lifted my hands up above my head and took a deep breath. I closed my eyes imagining I’m on the world’s best basketball team and it’s the last ten seconds of the game to determine who the winners are. Opening my eyes I then bent my knees down then sprung up like a spring before the ball threw up in the air with the flick of my hand. I watched as the ball left my finger tips and hurdled into the air. I keep my hands up for a little longer as the ball curved down and aimed at the hoop. It streamed the in slow motion. I breathed out making a very faint white mist. The ball plopped through the hoop getting caught in the net to slow the fall then fell through to the ground. I smiled softly to myself feeling satisfied. I hear my imagined crowd cheering and clapping in my mind. My aim is playing for the Japanese team so I can help try and make them go further up in the ranks. America is number one with a huge lead but Ryan has had professional training over there so I’m sure we can make Japan go up into the top fifteen. Ryan is going to help me when we finish school. It’s a goal and what’s the point of aiming to join the best team where you have nothing to gain but a title. I want to make Japan proud of the basketball team.
I went and picked up the ball before looking over to the building of the school. I looked for a moment before noticing Shiro sitting alone in the courtyard. I don’t think I have seen him sit outside but the same time I’m too busy playing basketball to notice if he is there. I sighed a little and go put the ball away to the teacher at the end of the court then I picked up my bag and headed in Shiro’s direction. He probably already thinks I’m annoying but if I can just get one word from him then that would make me happy.
Walking closer I kept my eyes on him. I approached him slowly trying not to startle him as he sat on a brick circle around a shady tree. He is looking down at the ground munching on a sandwich. I bit my lip feeling the nerves again but now is not the time to back down. I gulped and shook my head to clear as much of the nerves I can.
“Shiro,” I paused as he looked up me. He remained silent and looked away. This only made me more nervous. “Why are you sitting alone?” Shiro remained silent as the bell suddenly rang. He packed up and stood before walking off. I sighed silently before mumbling to myself. “This isn’t really making me confident…”
A week has past and not a word at all from Shiro. I’ve tried making casual conversation but nothing. Am I really ‘that’ annoying that he won’t even say one word?
I leant against the pole that supports the basketball hoop. I watched as Ryan shot the basketball into the hoop getting it in every time. He is just really amazing to watch. It makes me rather jealous but I’m happy for him that he got the special training over in America.
“You can’t just sit there and mope about just because he hasn’t answered you. The others think that it’s a girl who you are after so they keep asking me who is the lucky girl but it is not easy for you is it?” I sighed softly and crossed my arms over my chest bring my knees up. I stared down at the cement court I sat on.
“What can I do Ryan? I can’t tell if I’m just being plain annoying or he just simply doesn’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to be known as a pain but I just really want him to say something to me….anything…I don’t care.” I buried my face into my knees acting a bit like a two year old with my complaining. Ryan shot the ball into the hoop once more before sighing himself and walked over to me.
“You’re not going to get anywhere is you sit here.”
“But I’ve tried! I’ve tried all week and it’s nothing…”
“Man just chill…” Ryan sat down beside me. I felt his eyes looking at me as I cowered my face away. “Yuusei has he actually said to go away?” I slowly lifted my head and looked ahead to the other end of the court then slowly turned my head and looked at Ryan. He placed his hand on my shoulder and chuckled gently. “Come on, at least smile for me.” I couldn’t help myself so I smiled a little. Ryan is really good at cheering me up.
“Well…no he hasn’t said to go away…but I feel as if I’m being a pain.”
“Fair enough but I’m sure he doesn’t think that. If people really think you are annoying they will say it or get someone else to say it if they are too nice. I want you to be happy Yuusei.” I sighed a little.
“Thank you Ryan…you really know what to say to make people feel better.” Ryan ruffled my hair before laughing a bit as the bell rung again for the last few classes of the day
“Come on, let’s go to class.”
I entered the library at lunch time the next day. Shiro is standing in the fantasy section once again as I bit my before, without even thinking, I called out to him.
“Shiro!” I smiled softly trying a different approach. If I go this way then I’m sure I will get at least one word out of him. I walked over to him with this big forced grin on my face. Since I’ve been going up to him almost every day, I have become less nervous but now I feel nervous. I haven’ tried this approach before so I’ll have to see how I go.
Shiro after hearing my name glanced up at me for a second then looked away. ‘At least I’m getting a bit of a response.’ I thought to myself as I walked right up to him.
“What do you want now…?” My eyes widened as Shiro spoke for the first time. His voice is as quiet as a mouse as he looked at a book disinterested in the fact I am right beside him. I just stood there for a moment, shocked he actually spoke a few words this time. I feel even more nervous as his little voice just overwhelmed me.
“U-Uhh well I came to see what your answer is for my request. Please…Please join my club.” I said with hope as I crossed my fingers behind my back wishing for him to say yes.
“I get busy…” Shiro simply said before reading the back of a new book.
“I-It’s only during recess twice a week and after school on days we’re not busy. Please, I promise it will be fun” Shiro sighed as he put the book away and faced me. I looked at him only making my heart race and pound in my chest.
“Why me....Why not someone else?” I gulped, not sure what to say now. Ryan didn’t tell what to do in this situation. Only if Shiro asked how many people are in the club.
“U-Uhh b-because it’s an art club. I have seen your works and I really like them.” I confessed as I looked at him trying not to lose my composure.
“There is already an art class…” My heart skipped a beat. He’s right but what do I say now? My hands feel all shaky and my heart is pounding in my chest so much it’s about to detonate. Why is it is so hard to get a little bit of happiness from the person you are so madly in love with…?
“You hate too many people being around you. You like being alone but I bet deep down you want someone to be with you but something is scaring you. I don’t know what made you like this but Shiro you don’t have to be alone and suffer!” I blurted out all of sudden. I don’t know why I just got annoyed but it’s true. Shiro is pushing people away because something happened and he won’t try to have at least one friend because something is scaring him. I have my own secret too. I have a sister…Sakura…I don’t talk about her because I was told to forget and move on. She goes to Horikoshi high school too but I haven’t told my parents about it. A few years ago Sakura, my parents and I were in a bad accident. My parents and I suffered minor injuries but she had fallen into a coma. The doctor said they wouldn’t know when she would wake up but what the doctor also said was that she would have no memory of who we are. The day she woke up she was told that her real family died in the accident and that she is to live as an adopted child to another family. We have no contact with her or the family as it will only cause trouble.
Shiro stood there looking rather shocked by my sudden outburst. It is like I made something click inside him but he still didn’t show much emotion. I want Shiro to be free and happy. That’s all I have ever wanted and still want now. I love him so much.
“You don’t know anything…” Shiro pushed past me and walked to his bag. I quickly hurry after him trying to stop him.
“Shiro…let me help” He walked out of the library. I grabbed my bag before rushing out looking left and right to see which way we went. I then saw him walking at a quick pace down the hall on my left then I jogged to him and grabbed his arm. “Shiro wait!”
“Let go of me!” Shiro shook about trying get me to let go of his arm. I then pushed him up against the wall of the hallway making him drop his shoulder bag on the ground in the process and held him there. I pressed my body against him putting one knee in between his legs and held both his arms up against the wall. His eyes widened as he wasn’t ready for this sudden movement at all. I then lean closer and press my soft lips to his. I’m stronger than he is. I closed my eyes knowing I will get slapped across the face once I let him go. I can’t resist anymore. I opened my eyes slightly to see Shiro’s eyes closed tightly and his small framed body trembling slightly. His hands are curled into fists as he just stays still not sure what to do. He isn’t moving at all now as I kiss him for a little bit longer. I loosen my grip slightly on his arms and pulled my lips away slowly. No one else is in the hallway at the moment except us two. Shiro hesitantly opened his eyes and stared at me with his green eyes confused.
There is silence between us as I move my body off him and stood back a bit. Shiro, startled, blinks and tentatively picks up his bag from the ground and puts the strap over his shoulder.
“Shiro…I’m…I’m in love with you…I have always been since I…first saw you…” I mumbled. My voice sounded uneasy and crestfallen. I’m nothing but an idiot who just kissed the person I loved who is male and more likely completely straight. I can’t believe I did that. To think one kiss would make everything better. “I’m sorry…” I’m hopeless…I’m lost…I’m without a doubt the stupidest person who has ever lived.
Shiro remained silent as be both looked at each other. The bell rung and the people who were in the library walked out and through the middle of us to go to class. Shiro then looked down towards the ground before taking a step and walked beside the other students without a word. I knew it. I knew I wouldn’t get a response. I wasn’t expecting one either…
I avoided being seen at school from Shiro for the next few days. I had a gut feeling telling me that Shiro definitely doesn’t want to see me as I’m the gay boy who kept annoying him and kissed him. Ryan tried everything to cheer me up but nothing is working.
I stood on the basketball court holding a basketball and just aimlessly stared at the hoop. I can’t focus. I can’t concentrate on anything except for Shiro…
I let the orange coloured ball roll out of my fingers as I stood there on the concrete. My eyes dull and no expression on my face. I feel just as hurt as I did on the day the doctor told me Sakura can’t be a sister to me anymore…
I walked off the court not sure what to do or go next. I avoided my friends and Ryan as I don’t want them to be around while I’m like this. I walked inside the school building dragging my feet on the ground slightly. My head is turned down as I walk through the empty halls. I stopped in my tracks as I felt a sudden but gentle tug at the back of my shirt. I paused before slowly turning my head and see it is Shiro. His face is turned down as he holds onto the bottom of my shirt. I blink really confused and wonder what he is doing. I thought I scared him off by kissing him the other day. I look down at his hand. He shook as he held my shirt a little tighter.
“Y-Yuusei…w-why me…” His voice, soft as the silent night, his eyes, ready to leak a stream down his cheek. “W-Why do you know that I’m scared…How can you know how I feel…?” I gulped down this welling build up in my throat that started to make it hard to breathe. I want to hold him but arms won’t move a muscle. Why can’t I do anything right for once…?
“Because…I’ve gone through probably similar pain…I…I don’t know what happened to you but I feel a connection…” I paused a moment before drawing in a shaky breath. “My younger sister doesn’t even remember who I am…I was in an car accident with her and my parents and she fell under a coma…the doctor said she wouldn’t remember any of us so she got adopted into another family and was told her real family died…” This is the first time I have openly told someone about the one thing my parents told me to forget about. Not even Ryan knows about this. Shiro lifted his head up slowly and looked into my eyes. His pine green orbs filled with tears. I’ve never seen this side of Shiro either.
“M-My parents were…m-murdered…” The tears ran down his cheeks as he averted my eyes a little. I then carefully wrapped my arms around him and brought him right up to my chest. I felt this tender beating in my chest as I rested my head against his, closing my eyes myself. I held him in silence thinking what would have happened if I gave up weeks ago. I’m just going to hold him because he came to me…Shiro came to me and even though I avoided him and everyone else, I am the one who he chose…Because I kept pushing to get to know him I made an impression on him even if he won’t admit it or doesn’t know himself. I never thought Ryan’s crazy advice would work but I will never regret it.
‘Thank you Ryan…’
© Copyright 2016 Yuki Chloe. All rights reserved.
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