The Story of Ted

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Ted fights jackalopes, goes to jail, and talks in the third person... what more could you want?

Submitted: October 25, 2011

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Submitted: October 25, 2011

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The Story of Ted

All right, before I start this story I feel it may be necessary to give you a brief summary of me. I am Ted, I have not left my house in over 7 months (I went out for toilet paper), and I enjoy buying things off of the Internet. Oh yeah, I also won the lottery about 5 years ago and due to that I am filthy rich.

My home is 4000 square feet of things I have bought off of the Internet and not yet opened and about 50 square feet of my living space. This consists of a bed, a toilet, my computer, and the shrine for my stuffed Jackalope.

Every Friday at noon I open a box that has come in at some point or another. I almost never remember what it is and thus it is almost as though I am opening a Christmas present every Friday, every week of the year. This has only proven faulty on one occasion when I special ordered a puppy. Needless to say (but I will anyways) the smell still lingers.

I am currently writing this story on my computer, and, due to a certain whimsical notion that just occurred to me, I have decided to write the story in the third person about myself, So in the case that the point of view becomes distorted, that is Ted’s fault and not some higher being that may be telling Ted what to write. (Confused? Don’t be.)

So, Ted has decided to start this story in an attempt to help you understand him and the reason why he no longer enjoys going outside, or talking in first person.

 

 

Ted’s Beginnings…

 

Ted was born to a man and a woman. Yes, Ted is sure that you could have guessed this, but could you also have guessed that Ted’s father was a harlot? What is a harlot, you may ask. Well, Ted has the answer. According to Dictionary.com a harlot is a noun. Yes, Ted figured that you knew that but did you know this? A harlot is a prostitute or whore. Yes, Ted’s father was a whore. I (Ted) imagine that you did not see this coming.

Ted’s mother led a much different life, a life that required precision, skill, and quick reflexes. You guessed it; Ted’s mother was the head-sales woman in the region for Adult World. In other words Ted’s mother was the HBIC. (Head B**** in Charge) Due to his parent’s great choice in careers, Ted was extremely popular in school.

In pre-school Ted found a bag from his mother’s work (or was it his father’s? Now that I (Ted) think about this, I am not entirely sure. Either way, back to Ted’s story.) and, seeing the fun colors and the other assorted items, decided that this would make a much better show-and-tell than the neighbor’s baby. Thus, he took the baby out of his backpack, threw it out of the window, and put the fun colored items of the bag into his backpack.

If you were wondering, that baby was okay, and later became “one of the smartest people to ever exist” as quoted by many criminologists specializing in serial murderers. Yep, you guessed it! The baby was Ted Kaczynski, more commonly known as the “Unabomber”. Ted thought that bringing Ted to school would be fun, but later Ted wanted to kill the other Ted, and in the process killed a bunch of other people, and never was able to kill Ted. (Confused? So am I (Ted)).

Also if you want to be that guy, the one that points out that Ted Kaczynski was born in 1942 and Adult World was founded in the 70’s, stop being a smart ass.

So, Ted went to school and things were going quite normally until a child tripped over Ted’s backpack and for some strange reason, it began to vibrate. Now, this was prior to the “Cell-Phone” age, if you will, and thus a vibrating backpack was not exactly an everyday occurrence. Ted’s teacher, unhappy at the disruption, decided to have Ted come to the front of the class and show her what was making the vibrations. Ted, oblivious to the fact that he had some items in his bag that should have been left at home, got up and walked up to the front of the class and promptly started his show and tell.

His teacher was surprised, to say the least, when a Huge, Round, Neon Pink (Get your minds out of the gutter.) pencil fell out of his bag. She bent down to pick it up and in the meantime Ted was getting everything out. Now, let this be known, this was no small collection. Ted is sure he does not need to explain this collection to anyone, but I (Ted) will anyways, because he can. All of these items were in the shape of, well, hmm. On second thought I (Ted) think you can just imagine it yourself.

His Teacher looked up at the vast assortment of Colorful and Fun objects in front of her and in a strange hybrid between Screaming and Farting, (Ted is unsure as to why she chose this moment to fart, considering that it ruins the story, but he supposes that in the hope that he can tell this story as it truly happened, he should inform you all of the flatulence emanating from his teacher’s bum.) promptly fainted. If you were wondering, the fart continued even after she lost consciousness. She was known forever more by her students as Miss Tooty. Yes, this is the best that a pre-schooler can come up with so stop hating.

Ted gave a very long and drawn out presentation of the items he had unloaded on the front desk, and made up a great purpose for all of them. These purposes were not gross, but were more or less what a young child would use these items for, some were backscratchers and others were swords, there were many other uses as well but these were the most highly accepted by the class.

Well then, when Miss Tooty woke up all of the students were back in their seats and Ted had his show and tell back in his bag. Miss Tooty must have hit her head hard because she did not remember calling Ted up to the front of the class, nor the plethora of wild objects that she had seen.

 

Okay I am back to writing in the first person, that was much more difficult than I would have ever imagined. So you can see, even in pre-school I was a miscreant, though I didn’t realize that I was. I was never in any real trouble until the 9th grade. (This marks me going back to the third person. Goodbye first person.)

 

Ted’s Beginnings (expanded)

I may be the only 9th grader you have ever met that could drive. You see I really liked my 8th grade teacher, I mean I REALLY liked her, and thus I decided to fail for a few years so that we could see each other more. She kept saying that I was too young for her, though I never understood why a 64-year difference should change anything. Well anyways, after she died, and after my 7 month mourning, I decided that it was time to get on with my life. (You may have seen that I did not change from first to third person when I said that I would, I feel the need to admit that I forgot, and in the interest of saving time decided to write this letting you know that I have realized this and that once again, you should stop being a smart ass.)

9th grade is a completely different experience when you are 23. While other children complained about their parents, Ted complained about ObamaCare (don’t be a smart ass and start talking about an unrealistic timeline again, he will cut you.). He drove to school every morning, Ted was also the bus driver (Which proved very lucrative.), and every afternoon. Now for some reason Ted never understood what Statutory Rape was until he was charged with it. He had a friend named Bill whom was attempting to get a girl named… well names aren’t important. Bill needed a wingman, and Ted was game. Bill was 14 by the way. So Bill spent the afternoon with girl number 1, and Ted spent the afternoon with girl number 2. Girl number 2 was very “outgoing”, and they had sex. Ted knows that you are disgusted, but he had just been unaware of the fact that doing that with a minor was generally frowned upon, unless you were in Iowa, or Boyertown.

Jail was a new experience for Ted. He got along swimmingly with all of the inmates. Especially one named Samantha, you see Ted knew that Samantha’s real name was Samuel, but never understood why Samantha’s parents would give their daughter a boy’s name. He never made the connection that Samantha was the only girl in the jail either. Well they eventually became boyfriend and girlfriend, and were often punished for excessive PDA. Eventually though, after about a year, Ted and Samantha were able to bunk together. Ted was ecstatic that he would be able to live with his girlfriend. He found out later that night though, why Samantha’s real name was Samuel. Ted was not a Homicidal man by nature, but he lost it for a while after seeing that he had been tricked. With the help of a shiv made from a toothbrush, and the toilet, Samantha was removed from the room flush by flush. To this day the guards still believe that Samantha escaped the prison, only Ted knows what really happened. After this, Ted decided that he would never date girls ever again. And no, he did not vow to only date guys, he, more or less, meant that he was done dating. Ted was let out 2 years later on good behavior and went to live with his parents.

 

I remind myself a lot of Forrest Gump. You see, I have done many things over the course of my life, and I know that you all want to hear it. If you don’t want to hear it, well then, you can piss off.

 

Ted’s Middle A.K.A “The Jackalope”

You may have been wondering earlier why Ted has a shrine to a Jackalope in his 50 square foot living space, well this is why. Before we start he wants you all to know what a Jackalope is and thus this is the urban dictionary definition- “A hybrid species, a mix between a jackrabbit and an antelope. It’s like a normal rabbit except it has horns like an antelope...” There you have it folks, this is the story of Ted’s encounter with the ferocious Jackalope.

Ted was now 32 years old and living at home with just his mother, for his father had gone into a syphilitic coma, caused by contracting syphilis from over 100 people within the course of 2 weeks, and was now at the hospital. (To the smart ass that feels it necessary to say that you cannot contract syphilis multiple times while you already have it, just shut the hell up already.)  He was watching Animal Planet, when Steve Irwin came on, and talked about the mystical Jackalope that populated the hills and plains of the Western United States. It was said that this animal was sighted even less than Bigfoot.

Ted grabbed the only weapon he had ever killed with before, his shiv, and went on a road trip to northern Nevada. He arrived a week later after an incident with three hookers, a jar of mayonnaise, and a yo-yo. That story is definitely not appropriate for this setting and thus Ted will skip to the search for the elusive Jackalope. Ted started above Las Vegas, and moved slowly south, searching everywhere he went. (Which tended to be strip clubs and liquor stores.) Eventually after making it down to Sparks, Nevada a sighting was made. Ted had spent 3 months waiting for this day, and, due to this, was overly excited. He ran to the Jackalope screaming as he went and just as he was about to stab it, the horned bunny gored him in the groin. In this process, the Jackalope’s horns became stuck in his jeans and it continued to buck around until Ted’s unspeakables were a thing of the past. Ted managed after much strife, to drive to the hospital, with the Evil Rabbit still stuck in his jeans, and have the doctors inject a tranquilizer into the Jackalope. The doctors patched Ted up as well as they could, but at the end of the day, Ted resembled almost exactly what Samantha had wished he/she could look like.

Ted killed the Jackalope with his shiv, and then took it to a taxidermist to have it stuffed. He drove home and it showed up in the mail about a month later.

And that’s all I (Ted) have to say about that. (Forrest Gump reference.)

 

Ted’s Downfall

Some may consider winning the lottery a good thing, and so did Ted at first. He knew that with that money he could afford to have plastic surgery done on his injured parts. And that he would not ever have to work again, though the only job he ever truly had was being a bus driver.

This is Ted’s lottery story. Ted was extremely bored one day, and thus decided to go for a stroll through the park. Ted found a ten-dollar bill on the ground. He went to a gas station and bought a scratch off lottery ticket. He lost. (I’ll bet that you thought he won, didn’t you? You are just saying that you didn’t because you know I caught you.)

This loss started a surge of gambling addiction that would rival that of the best of them. Ted had about thirty thousand dollars in the bank that his parents had left him after their untimely demise. (They attempted to make love and both ended up having coronaries. Sad right?) So he packed up and went to Vegas, this time the incident involved honey instead of mayo, and a ping-pong paddle instead of the yo-yo. When he got there he headed straight for the closest casino, there he stayed for 2 months, playing the slots. He won, he lost, he borrowed money, he paid debts back, and on occasion he got the s*** kicked out of him for not paying back debts. Ted was on his last 2 dollars, he had decided to play these last 2 dollars, and, if he were to lose, he would join his parents and Samantha in where ever it is that dead people go. Well, considering that Ted ruined this story earlier letting you know that he won, Ted supposes there is no reason in getting overly excited. Ted played a scratch off ticket and won 1 million dollars a year for life with a guarantee of 32 million dollars. (You wish you had Ted’s luck. And to the smart ass that made a comment about Ted not even having the luck to keep his manhood, I am seriously about to hurt you.)

 

Ted’s Downfall (Expanded)

Ted moved into the house he currently resides in, a 4050 square foot mansion in Beverly Hills. No not the famous one in California, but the more down to earth one in Georgia. He also made the mistake of moving into a community with an extremely high percentage of KKK members. Now you may wonder why this would be a problem, well Ted will tell you why. Ted is African-American. You know that you feel extremely salty right now; you spent the last 8 pages imagining Ted as some scrawny white guy. Well now, are you racist or something? Why couldn’t Theodore be a black man’s name? That’s right, you were wrong to make assumptions.

Ted felt very threatened in this community but, loved his house and decided that it was big enough for him to live in all the time. He stopped going out as much and eventually, leaving his house became a big ordeal. Ted developed a psychosis known as Agoraphobia. This rendered him a recluse and all social life became null.

Ted began to have tendencies to act strangely and has self diagnosed himself with OCD. He feels that if he does not buy things off of the Internet every week he will die, and that if he does not open a package at noon every Friday, someone else will die. Thus he does not have much time for anything else.

 

Ted’s Present. (It is up to you whether present means a gift or the time in which this takes place.)

It is Friday and the clock just struck noon. Ted opens the package slowly so as to prolong the euphoric feeling in his stomach. He opens the box, looks in, and sees a… Oh wow, I haven’t seen one of these backscratchers since that day in Pre-School!

 

Anyone that is appalled shocked, or perturbed at the content in this literary masterpiece should contact Ted and let him know.

Also, any grammatical, POV, or lack of imagination mistakes are also at the fault of Ted.

Anything negative is Ted’s Fault.

Ted does not own Adult World nor does he have the right to write about them, any legal problems should be taken up with him.


© Copyright 2020 Zach Shuster. All rights reserved.

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