Troy

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
Self revelation

Submitted: February 01, 2010

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Submitted: February 01, 2010

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fucking fuck
Between Troy Edelhauser and You
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Zach Dawson-Pitts October 1 at 5:11pm
and you know what i just realized a few hours ago, no one knows me. No one has known me my whole life, not even close. and it sucks, its a lonely feeling and i dont know what to do about it. I just write, but my journal is full of this shit and it isn't helping anymore, i just hate this weather. I just feel like i will never be a normal person, i hate working and its only been one day, i just dont want to do it, and im still in the program, what will i do when i get out and no one forces me to go to work, you know what i will do: i just wont go, and i'll get fired and i'll loose my apartment and i'll end up back into tha same bullshit that got me here, its a fucking never ending cycle, i am just not built for tha real world Troy. I used to think i was unique in tha sense, when i was like a teenager but now i realize i am officaly what they call a fuck up, with no possibility of straightening out. And it sucks, because even if i tell someone how i am feeling, they dont even know me enough to give me advice to help me. All these girls, that claim they love me, how could thye love me if they dont know me, they just love what i am pretending to be, and its fucking horrid. Yeah, i'm fooling them, and from the outside alot of men would envy my possition, and alot of my friend do envy my position and put me on a pedestool but inside its really fucking lonely and cold and it just sucks because i know this feeling well and no matter how fast i run it will never go away, and when i feel good for a moment this coldness is still burning at my heels as i run faster just reminding me that whenever it is that if i stop and slow down it willl eat me alive. I just dont understand it, in tha program i am in, for instence alot if not all of the people look up to me and look to me for wisdom and all that bullshit but really, if they really knew me and knew how i am they wouldn't look to me, they probibly would just look past me. My world is gray these days, and its simply because i have finally opened my eyes to see tha reality of it, i am truly headed no where fast, this is my desintiny, and i know this lifestyle, these lies, my bullshit and my well covered insecuritys and sensitive nature will be tha death of me, and it troubles me into sleepless nights and days where my eyes burn from those sleepless nights. I just walk these streets. I used to walk them in search of something better, but i know it is nowhere to be found so now i just walk them out of habit, and some days i dont even have tha energy to do that. Thats whats up with me. Sorry, i am not sure what i typed all that, just wanted to get it off my chest...
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Troy Edelhauser October 1 at 5:55pm
So you see bones up ahead where there are none, by the time you get there, so do they. All I have now is patience fueled by the serenity of ice cold uncaring. I experienced a disconnect the day Alicia and I went to the clinic. She stumbled into the waiting room trashed, on phentonol and xanax, got into the car, turned on the radio, and started crying. I haven't felt much of anything since then. Sometimes my heart beats fast, I don't know why, I might be lonely, but I don't feel lonely. I think maybe, I wanted her to have that baby, but she didn't, and a whole avenue of possiblility slammed shut forever. I don't know where to go from here.
Out of any two thoughts I have, one is devoted to death. My days and uncertainty, a chaos and shapeless, All that my life is blurs down like a landscape reflected in water. All stars are lights, all lights are not stars. If god hurt the way we do he too would be heartsore disconsolate unappeasable.
You feel worn by yr inability to play anything but a role, but what if you showed someone everything that you are, and they still refused to see? I'm not trying to say you have it better than I do. You don't. I'm just saying that I don't have any answers. I'm just waiting, patiently, for desire to return, and it's easy to be patient, when you don't want anything. Everything I do now too, is out of habit, but habit will suffice, when you run out of hope.
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Zach Dawson-Pitts October 1 at 5:28pm
I just no longer know where to go, that guiding light that once led me ahead, weather it was astray or not i'll never know but that light is gone and im left to spin in circles in this fucking littered lake of god knows what. And it sux. I tried to explain it to Guiseppe and donny rogers over pizza tonight but they just didn't get it. "Just go to work and save your money" was their anwser, but its deeper then that. Still waters run deep as you said in some fucking poem on tha blue line, they just can't uinderstand./ Donald said "Its simple dude, just change your negitive thoughts to positive ones' like God Damnit donald, all of us weren't raised doing chores and playing sports like you, maybe i have no idea how to live like you all do, in fact i never cared to live like ya'll do but now its like getting in my face like a middle school bully and i just want to run but i dont know where to. I want to hop a plane and go somewhere beautiful metaphorically and for really, io know need an out, i just dont fucking know tryoy. Something wrong here, its so cold outside and even colder in my head. And i'm not looking to you for anwsers i am acutally just passing tha time that other wise would be spent walking in circles around this god forsaken town fucking fuck fuck fucker. Ahh, i just i just, no one has seen my eyes, and even i haven't,.. does it sound cleshey to
 


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