the growing rose

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
this story is about my life and the things i have overcame at a very young age please read if you get a chance

Submitted: March 31, 2016

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Submitted: March 31, 2016

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The Growing Rose

 

 

Growing up I didn't'tt know who my father was and my mother was in and out of my life because of her lifestyle. The drugs and prison had a stronghold on her however there was times I thought she didn't't love me and that her habits were more important than here only son. As time went by things only got worst I was in and out of different family members houses not saying anything is wrong with that they treated me like one of their own and I love them to death for being there for me.

You know that kid in school who was always alone or felt left out? That kid was me at one point even though I was well known I still felt alone. Even when surrounded by friends and family I still felt like I didn't't belong. My life was starting to feel pointless or worthless and meanwhile my mother was gradually fading back into my life, but only to face more heartbreaks.

Its one question people often ask me why are you so negative all the time. Let me take you to back a situation thats the root of all the negativity. Picture yourself in the backseat of a car with your mother and her "Friend" who you don't know late on a school night. Your mom and her "friend" is smoking crack in the front seat window are up. How would you feel? Probably the same way I felt unimportant, worthless, and scorned and this list could go on and on. From that point on I felt like I didn't'tt mean nothing to my own mother. I was beyond hurt that scarred me and haunted me all my life. For years we tried to build that mother and son relationship back it just never worked out.

Summer of 2006 my mother got her first apartment and she wanted me to live with here. I must say in the back of my head I was very iffy about it I thought well maybe she will change this time however I was wrong. There were days she would give me money to hide from her so she wouldn't't use it on drugs, but only to find my room destroyed when I come home from school. Whats even more embarrassing I would even have friends come over and they would find drug needles laying around my house. Now my family members are on my back and telling me she will never change you need to move out and let her be. But deep down inside I was telling myself this is my mother and she needs me and were going to get through this together.

The older I became the more I realized that my mother loved me she just had her habits. Nobody is perfect and some days were worst that others but one thing I noticed is that she was a fighter nothing could keep her down. She always told me Son I hope I have done enough drugs in my life so you won't ever have to touch them. and til this day that has stuck with me. Now I find myself wondering how my life could get any worst and it seem like the moment I said that my world turned upside down.

November 27, 2007 my whole life changed something I wasn't't prepared for. Coming home on an early Sunday morning to see my mother asleep on the couch, however to me that's very normal so I didn't't jump to conclusion. So I did what any other kid would do kept quite so I wouldn't't wake her up. So as the day go by I decided to call my cousin derrick to come get me out of the house for a while. Meanwhile by the time he got there it was around 4 o'clock. Now let me remind you I been home since early that morning. Its close to midnight and Im heading back home and this feeling hits me as if I was a car running into a tree. Something is wrong! Now thoughts are running through my head what if my mom is still asleep? Or maybe Im just over thinking everything is fine maybe she is wondering where her son is at midnight.

But as I approach the door the feeling hits me even harder now Im thinking either I am in trouble or something is terribly wrong. You know that scene in a scary movie when they are afraid to open the door and they have that intense music playing and it keeps getting louder as they open it very slowly and peak they head around the door yep that was me all the way. The house was pitch black as if nothing has been touch or turned on. As I start flipping on lights I see my mother still laying on the couch. Now Im worried and that feeling that something is wrong has sunk in deeper. I tell myself let me go wake her up to see if she is okay. meanwhile as Im walking up to her Im calling her name and she is not budging. As I go to wake her up her body is stiff and cold. I hit panic mood I call ambulance, football coaches whoever crossed my mind at that moment.

My mother was dead gone just like that. The part I want you to get is that she been dead for more than 24 hours which means when I got home she was already dead and I thought she was sleep the whole time I was there. Can you even imagine the guilt or blame I carried on my shoulder? And yes people always tell me its not your fault and it was her time to go. But put yourself in my shoes for a second just sitting in the house not doing nothing and thinking my mom is sleep but she is dead the whole time. I always thought to myself what if I would have done something the moment I got home maybe today she would still be by my side. This is what I carry on my shoulders daily and I know I have no control over it, But I took all the blame for it.

One day my close friend asks me will you still trust in God after all this. At that moment I couldn't't say yes or no. My faith and hope was being tested I was angry at God for taking my mother away from me. I stop praying I about stop believing and the road I was about to head down wasn't't a good one. I started drinking a lot hanging out all times of the night making all the wrong decision. I thought my life was pointless suicide was a daily thought the devil was constantly at me because he had me exactly where he wanted me.

I was very low all the negative thoughts were taking over my brain and I didn't't see no way out of this situation. Back of my head I knew I was walking away from God but I didn't't care I was so angry at him, however I continued living my life sleeping with different women constantly trying to commit suicide I basically gave up on life. It had sunk in my head that nothing is going to get better than this, but little that I know God was still here and he has the last word. I found myself trying to fill a void that I couldn't't fill all the woman, alcohol was only making things worst.

The next following year November 6, 2008 gave me new meaning to life my daughter was born Aryana Jones. However, with the position I was in the negative thoughts creep in and I would ask myself how can you be a father to her I don't know how to be one or what a father looks like. As the devil constantly telling me you will fail at being a father just sign your right over and everything will be fine. Now my mind is in a battle I don't know what to do. But the was a spark inside of me saying just try you might fail but just get back up and keep trying. I have to break this cycle if not me then who my father wasn't't there for me, but my daughter will not experience that I will be the father that my dad never was. But was I wrong? Going through this situation showed me I had a lot of growing up to do and I didn't't know how to handle it at the time. Meanwhile Im in and out of my daughter life and her mother want more out of me but little that she knows Im broken on the inside with nothing left. I've made so many promises to her on how I was going to change and be a better dad, but I was only fooling myself and hurting them more.

I'm not ashamed to sit here and tell you that my daughter didn't't come first I was selfish very selfish. Although in the back of my head I know she needs me but I continue to ignore it. In a flash I realized I have missed out on a lot of her life already, but til this day she still loves her daddy and to hear her say I love you daddy. makes me feel like the luckiest man on earth.

As my life was constantly going in a downhill spiral I knew it was time for a change. I didn't't know where to turn to so I hit my knees. But the more I prayed the more it felt like God wasn't't listening. So just like that I quit praying just because thing didn't't happen when I wanted them too. I gave up on him so easy, but the next day in speech class (which I hate so much) we had a substitute teacher Mr. Mike Teague and people let me say God had answer my prayers. I didn't't like speaking in front of class and I didn't'tt have to until he came he pushed me to be better and I needed that. Before I knew we became close and he took me in as one of his own and guide me back towards God. It wasn't'tt easy we had some disagreements but he fought with me every inch of the way. He became that strong male figure I needed in my life he wasn't't scared to tell me truth whether it was going to make me laugh, cry or mad. The tough love he gave me was the difference in life or death. And to Mr. John Roach he made a big impact in my life this man hardly knew me and invite me to come with the youth to an outreach camp in Austin, TX. Also to my Great aunt/mama I can't thank her enough for raising me being so supportive through all these years.

Im not saying I turned my life around instantly I continued to make mistakes throughout my life. Its like the moment I said Lord please take over my life things got worse. Not many of family members went to college so I wanted to be in that group so I attend Lon Morris College in Jacksonville, TX. And thats where I slipped into another dark moment in my life every day I was depressed or stressed out all I wanted to do was just let life pass me by. So I got addicted to Nyquil I drunk it every single day all I wanted to do was sleep. Going through all this I didn'tt have no one there to tell me hey Zack you dont need to be doing this. There was no Mike Teague there to set me straight all I had was friends steadily encouraging me to drink to hang out all night miss class every day. Little that I know that those Lon Morris days will come back to haunt me.

I end up leave Lon Morris during the fall semester I didn'tt last 4 months. So I moved back home thinking to myself well this is it my life is over. I completely shut down I had given up on myself I went right back to my old ways or you can say I had a relapse. But this relapse was worse than the first one every day I was drinking I didn'tt feel like myself nor function without alcohol. I was borderline alcoholic and I couldn'tt let no one know nor help I was so embarrassed and ashamed. During that period of time I lost contact with all the positive people in my life I was slowing drifting away without a life jacket.

Meanwhile I get a job at Wal-Mart unloading trucks and it wasn'tt a fun job but I need money to supply my habit and on top of that the child support division as threaten to take me to jail if I didn'tt start paying child support. I must say I wasn'tt a good co-worker 20-year-old kid who wouldn'tt listen to anyone or do what they say it was awful I would even drink on my lunch break and come back to work drunk lol man was terrible.

At the age of 22 my life was empty I was constantly searching for answer and not getting nowhere I started to question God everyday why am I here? Why is my life this way? Every day I wanted to quit then I would think to myself is this what your mother would want? At this point the alcohol and the women wasn'tt working I need a fresh start so when my aunt said we was moving to Longview TX that couldn'tt have come at a better time. So I left my Wal-Mart job not giving them a heads up nor put in my two weeks notice which is not a professional way to do that. That only made things 10x harder for me when I got to Longview I couldn'tt find a job and the child support people was starting to come back around giving me warning that I was falling behind.

So with nowhere else to turn I reached out to Mr. Teague and he happen to know a man named Jason Withrow who owned a company called Global Graphic. I meet with him and he told me the job wasn'tt promise to me once the summer ends. At that moment I told myself I was going to work as hard as I can for this man. He gave me an opportunity and to me it felt like he believed in me or seen something in me. Let me be clear I have no clue how the screen printing business work lol so it was a dramatic change for me. But working there was the best year and a half Ive had in a while I had great co-workers amazing boss who was a strong believer in Christ. I learned so many great things at that place they installed great qualities in me and at the same time I was growing up learning how to listen and take advice.

As two years was slowing closing in on that job I wanted more for myself I didn'tt know where it was going to come from or how I was going to find a great job with no college education. But like my mother use to say The Lord work in mysterious ways. Little that I know I was playing basketball 3 times a week with the owner of a great IT company called Absolute Technology Solutions I wanted to ask him about a job opening but the fear of not having no back ground on computer dimmed the light on the. But I finally got enough courage to ask him Hey what you think about me working for you. As I chuckled about it because I was still nervous. And the look he gave me I can tell he was pondering about it.

Couple months later June 1, 2014 he hired me and that was a good day I finally felt like my life meant something. I knew this job would be a challenge but I stuck with it I had my lows and highs and I had days I thought I wasn'tt going to make it. You know that moment you think to yourself ok you have over done it this time. Thats exactly how I felt but I couldn'tt give up and slowly but for surely I was learning things. As things was slowly getting better I was still missing that relationship with God. My friend invited me to his church Gods Final Warning my first reaction was the name like well if this dont scary people I dont know what will ha-ha. But at that moment thats kind of how I felt like this was my final warning. So the first couple of weeks the church was cool but as it proceeds I felt like I didn'tt belong there and in no way Im saying it was a bad church I just felt like they had too many rules you cant do this and you cant do that or woman have to cover their head when they prayed and had to wear long skirts every day. I can remember one particular conversation with the pastor at that church I asked him hey whats the difference between King James Version and the NIT version? And this was his response heaven and Hell if you ask me. Now Im 110% that when I get to Heaven Gates God will not tell me hey Zack I cant let you in heaven because you read the wrong version of the bible lol I just dont believe that will happen. So I had to leave that church once again Im not talking bad about the church we just had our differences. So now Im kind of confused about church I didn'tt want to go after that experience but Mark Strait told me to come check out Pathway church his brother was the preacher so I gave it a shot and I loved it. From the atmosphere to how everyone looks happy and smiling oh and yeah they have a lot of huggers lol took me a while to get use to that. Just when things were going great I was still dealing my friend from the other church him telling me I was living in sin and going to hell because I went to church on Sunday instead of Saturday I mean he literally told me I was going to hell because of that. For starters no one has the power to put in in Heaven or hell but God that kind of showed me that he wasn'tt sure or kind of lost himself.

Today I am a youth leader at pathway church and as I continue to search for my purpose God has put great people in my life to help me do that. So get this I never thought I would be working with computer or even being a youth leader but God has a plan and purpose for every single one of us and sometimes he put you though rough times to prepare you mentally for what he has for you. My long term goal is to be a youth minister I just want my life and my experiences to change other people lives. You will fall you will mess up but you cant let them moments dictate your future Proverbs 24:16 “For a righteous man falls seven times, HE WILL RISE AGAIN.” You have to strong enough to admit you are weak and that you need God because in this world you cant do this on your own. If there is someone that did you wrong or hurt, you forgiven them. If you have any family members in prison or jail, please write them let them know you are thinking about them.

And to the non-believers in this world if you dont love God thats a struggle you will have to deal with personally because God already love you Hes waiting with his arms stretched out. He will take you just as you are if you just trust in His name. If you have any regrets or anything it doesn'tt matter what youre going through Jesus gave it all to save you. He carried the cross on his shoulder so you can have a clean slate. I know you probably thinking theres no hope, but thats not true Jesus saves. Jesus came for the sick Jesus came for the weak Jesus came for the poor He didn'tt only come for the good. See, His love is deeper than an ocean floor run to His like an open door “Come to me all who are weary with heavy burdens I’ll give you rest.” Matthew 11:28. So whatever it is that you have done God put all that punishment on His Son who died for our sins is that not mind blowing?

To the ones who think Ive done so much wrong in my life God will never forgive me. Thats not true at all. Peter one of Gods strongest disciples denied him three times to his face I dont think it can get worse than that. Romans 8:38 reads “And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” So as you see in that verse nothing can separate us from God’s love. I know it’s hard to forgive yourself from all the things you have done in your past I struggle with that as well, but it’s a process just focus on knocking one giant down at a time. Find a friend or a good adult role model to help you with this someone you trust not just anyone.

For those who might worry too much and constantly stress out just take a minute and pray I know things can get overwhelming at time but you have to pray more and worry less. Matthew 6:33-34 says “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” In this life you have to take small baby steps and take it one minute one second and one hour at a time.

To the people who struggle with depression I know exactly how you feel I’ve been there before. You start thinking to yourself is my life worth it? Do anyone cares? Why don’t they love me? Just know God loves you and he cares about you He is the best listener of all time. A wise man once told me “Stars can’t shine without darkness.” Sometimes you have to go through dark moment to shine your brightest just think about it this way “if today was perfect there would be no need for tomorrow.” Isaiah 41:10 “So do not fear, I am with you; for I am God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous hand.” Just hold onto His words and promises and I ensure you things will get brighter.

 

I'm not perfect but I know someone who is!! Til this day Im still on my journey some days are very tough and some days I just want to throw in the towel and walk away from it all. But now I have a family surrounding me to help me though all my rough days just to name a few Mark Strait and his family, James Reis my youth leader friends and pathway family and my Jones family and Im sure it more people I havent forgot any of yall trust me. If it wasn't't for you guys, I honestly dont know where I would be today I love each and every one of Y'all.

I wrote this because I wanted to show you no matter what mistakes you have made or how many bad decisions you have made you can ALWAYS change for the better. Don't let you sins or bad decisions keep you away from God. I wasn't't a perfect person Ive lost faith at times, but Im sure everyone has at some point in life. Make sure your relationship with God is good and everything else will follow. To the ones who lost their parents at a young age or your father is not around just hang on and trust in God I know its hard but you got to keep pushing forward. On the other hand, don't hold nothing inside angry bitterness etc. there are people that are willing to help you through the tough times. If suicide thoughts are in your head reach out to someone in 2014 I lost my close friend to suicide and it took me awhile to recover from that. I was on the phone with him one night and the next day he was found dead in his apartment now the only thing thats running through my head are all the things I wish I would have said or to ask him how was he doing.

Kids that being raised by single parents I know times are hard, but just do what you can to make your mom/dad job a little easier. You think its hard for you? Put yourself in your mom or dad shoes they have to find a way to provide for you at the end of the day. And you may not get everything you want but you will have everything you need.

I can't stress to you enough to put your faith in God no matter what believe in him and always try to look at the positive of things. I wrote my life story for one to impact lives whether its one or a lot the fact is I wanted to show you god has brought me through. Its plenty of things I could of change or done differently but I am who I am today because of the things I went through. Two I was tired of running from my past this is my way of confessing all my wrong doing. No matter what your situation is right now whether you on the streets a drug addict or a heavy drinker God can change it all if you just surrender to him. You can't change on your own will thats something I had to learn the hard way. Don't let no one judge you not your friends neither your teacher nor boss cause there is no one on earth perfect. I was always scared to change because I was worried about my family/friends will think or how they will look at me it only matter how God see you.

I want to leave you with this if God created us in his own image why do people feel the urge to have plastic surgery? Basically to me thats saying God you didn'tt do a good enough job creating me so I want to fix it. God created you exactly how he wanted to so you are perfect in his eyes don't let no one tell you anything different.

 

 

 

 


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