Paper Mario The Thousand Year Door, A Comedic Parody. Chapter 2

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Mario goes to Hooktail Castle on a retarded adventure ;)

Submitted: October 21, 2014

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Submitted: October 21, 2014



Chapter 1: Castles, and Dragons, and Morons, Oh My


Mario and Goombella end up in the peaceful-looking Petal Meadows.


Mario: Wow, cool place.


A huge dragon flies above them.


Mario: Hey, a dragon flying peacefully through the breeze without a care. Let's kill it!


Mario starts throwing hammers and chainsaws at it, but they all miss.


Mario: Dang it! Missed! Wait, there's still a chance.


Mario takes out a Bob-omb, winds up his best toss, and throws it, but it just lands pathetically right in front of him.


Goombella: Your aim stinks.


Mario: Shut up.




Mario: Ow!


Goombella: Well I guess we should go stop Hooktail.


Mario: Hooktail?


Goombella: I think the dragon's name is Hooktail, and he holds the first Crystal Star.


Mario: Ha! What are you gonna tell me next, that he terrorizes the residents of a Koopa town called Petalburg?


Goombella: Um... Let's just put it this way. First one to the end of the area gets a cookie.


Mario: YAY!


Mario dashes at light speed to Shhwonk Fortress.


Goombella: Let's just go in.


They go in, but they meet a Thwomp.


Thwomp: To get past, you must answer a quiz.


Mario: Okay.


Thwomp: Excellent!


The whole area turns into a gameshow place.


Thwomp: Question one. What is 2+2? 4, 18, or Justin Timberlake?


Mario: Uum, can I have a hint?


Thwomp: Hint one: it is not 18.


Mario: Another?


Thwomp: Hint two: it is not Justin Timberlake.


Mario: One last hint?


Thwomp: Hint three: it is 4.


Mario: Hhm.


Thwomp: Oh, for crying out loud, it's 4!


Mario: Yeah, I know, I heard that hint, but-


Thwomp: Oh forget this. Just pass! Why do I have to run into idiots all the time?


Mario: Because the author is mentally challenged.


Thwomp: 0__o


Mario: I'm just gonna go down the pipe.


They go down the pipe and end up underground.


Goombella: I think we have to defeat all the Fuzzies and get the Sun and Moon Stones.


Mario: Does this mean we get to kill?


Goombella: Yep.




In 0.0000001 seconds, Mario defeats all the Fuzzies and gets the Sun and Moon Stones.


Goombella: How do you do that?


Mario: When in a rush, sugar is your best friend.


Mario looks at the Moon Stone he just got.


Mario: Yay! a croissant!


Mario eats the Moon Stone and blows up. The Moon Stone is okay, though, and Mario gets revived because he has a 1-Up. Then a Gold Fuzzy approaches.


Gold Fuzzy: You! I don't know who you are and what you're doing here, but I challenge you to a contest. And I'm not telling you what kind.


Mario stares at him.


Gold Fuzzy: Nooooo! How did you know?


He blows up and Mario and Goombella go back to the first area of Petal Meadows for no reason. Then a Koopa with a bandaid on his face and a blue, short-sleeved hoodie comes by.


Koopa: Hi, I'm Koops, and can I join your party for some reason?


Mario: We have a party? Woot! Let's party 'til dawn!


Koops: It is dawn.


Mario: Oh, well in that case the party's over.


Koops has joined your party!


Mario: What? I thought I killed you?


Ha! You can't kill me!


Mario: Why you little...


Oh, I'm big. Well anyway... You can throw Koops's shell, but he's still useless. Well, I have to go before he burns me again.


Koops: Weird. Hey look, this is where the Sun and Moon Stones go.


He puts the Sun Stone in the correct rock. Meanwhile with Mario...


Mario: Mamamia, this rock has a hole in its stomach! It must be really hungry! Here you go.


Mario puts the "Croissant" in the hole in the rock. That makes two switches appear.


Koops: Okay, now we have to hit these switches at the same time.


Mario tries his sugar rush tactic, but it doesn't work. He throws Koops's shell and hits one switch with his hammer at the same time that his shell hits the other, but it still doesn't work.


Mario: Oh, forget this!


Mario hammers the rock in the middle for no reason, and it reveals a pipe.


Mario: Yay.


They go down the pipe and end up in the background.


Mario: Yay! We're 2D!


Koops: We were already 2D.


Mario: NO! Curse you, cruel world!


Mario kills himself but gets revived because he has a 1-Up.


Koops: Okay, let's just go in.


They enter the castle and encounter a broken bridge.


Koops: Dang! How do we cross this?


By then, Mario is already over the bridge and heading in the castle.


Koops: Wait up!


They go inside and find Gandhi.


Gandhi: Stop. I see you are fat, so I challenge you to a hotdog-eating contest.


Mario: Fat?! HOW DARE YOU?!


Mario takes out a shotgun.


Mario: Kids, don't try this at home. Unless your mom won't give you a cookie.


Mario's Mom: No cookies for you.


Mario: Yay, more targets!


Note: This next part is censored because I am too lazy to write what will happen next.


Flavio: I thought you were typing this.


Um, look, a penny.


Flavio: Where?


I don't know.


Flavio: Yay! Gettie penny. Gettie penny.


Anyway, they continue to advance further until they are in a room with jail cells all around it. Koops sees the skeleton of a Koopa.


Koops: NOOOOOO, Dad!


Mario: Your dad died?


Koops: No, I was just being dramatic.


Mario: Hey look, a letter is attached to it.


Mario reads the letter.


Dear whoever bothered to read this,


I have tried to beat Hooktail but he beat me and I am going to die. He is weak to things that begin with "cr" and end with "icket". But I am too stupid to figure it out so do it for me. Oh, and do my chores, pay my bills, feed my kid, and do anything else I was too lazy to do. Oh yeah, and tell my son, Kolorado, I said hi.



This random guy


Mario: Kolorado?


Kolorado comes in.




His head explodes.


Mario: Let's just move on.


They encounter a Red Bones.


Red Bones: Die!


He summons a thousand Dull Bones.


Koops: Aah! Mario, kill them.


Mario: No.


Koops: If you do I'll give you a-


Mario: Stop! I know what you're gonna say so I'll do it!


Mario kills all the Bones, and then...




Mario: 15/15 HP

Koops: 10/10 HP


Red Bones: 5/5 HP

Dull Bones: 1/1 HP each


Mario uses Hammer on Red Bones. 1 damage.


Koops uses Shell Slam on Dull Bones. 1 damage each. All knocked out.


Red Bones uses Bone Toss on Mario. 8 damage.

Mario: OW!


Mario: 7/15 HP

Koops: 10/10 HP


Red Bones: 4/5 HP

Dull Bones: 0/1 HP each, knocked out


Mario uses Stare on Red Bones. 3 damage.

Red Bones: WHAT?!


Koops uses "Aw, Forget This!" on Red Bones. 1 damage. Red Bones is knocked out. Mario and Koops win.


They advance to a room with two jail cells at the end. Mario walks up to the last one.


Mario: Hmm.


He throws Koops's shell at the switch and walks in when the cell opens. When inside, they see another black chest.


Chest: Hey, get the key and let me out.


Mario: Okay, but if I do will you promise you won't curse me?


Chest: No.


Mario: And will you promise you won't try to takeover the world or send dozens of troopers to try to kill me?


Chest: No and no.


Mario: And will you promise you won't try to trap me when I get the key?


Chest: No.


Mario: Works for me.


They go in the next room, where they grab the key and spikes start lowering from the ceiling.


Mario: Aah! He said he wouldn't trap us!


Koops: What are you talking about? He said no!


Mario: Wait! I have an idea.


He takes out his hammer and hammers down all the spikes and gets back to the room with the chest.


Mario: I wonder if the spikes are down yet.


Mario re-enters the room and gets squished, but gets revived because he has a 1-Up. Mario then opens the chest.


Chest Guy: Mwuhahahahahahahahah. Now I will curse you to become paper thin, and reveal my true form.


He reveals his true form.


Fred Fredburger: Fred Fredburger!


Fred Fredburger has joined your party. He can say his name over and over again to annoy enemies and do 500 bazillion damage to anyone within 40 feet. Anyway, they get blown up to the place where they meet Ms. Mowz.


Ms. Mowz: Hi there, I came by this castle because I heard there was pie.


Mario: Who would put pie in their castle?


Ms. Mowz: Who wouldn't?!


Mario: Good point.


Ms. Mowz: Well I haven't found it, so I will jump out the window.


Fred Fredburger: Is that legal?


Ms. Mowz: No, I just have mental problems.


Ms. Mowz jumps out the window.




Mario: Weird. Ooh, pie!


He eats the pie next to him and recovers all HP and gets a sugar rush.




Mario destroys everything in his path until he gets to the bridge.


Paratroopa: Hey, look, Mario! DIE!


He charges into him but crashes into the wall.


Mario: Uuh.


Mario then goes up a seemingly endless tower, and it's even worse because for the whole walk Fred Fredburger is singing.




Mario: Shut up!


They then enter Hooktail's room.


Hooktail: You cannot defeat me!


Mario: I challenge you to a game of charades! Guess what I am. CRICKET! CRICKET!


Hooktail: No, the dreaded cricket! I ate it and got food poisoning!


Fred Fredburger: Really?


Hooktail: No, but I might!


Hooktail faints.


Mario: You're right. It's a cricket. Huh, wait. Yay, he's dead!


Fred Fredburger: This calls for a song.


He starts singing badly.




Then, Hooktail spits out a Crystal Star.


Mario: YAY!






X-Naut: Sir Grodus, we found the princess.


Grodus: Great, now lock her up where she can escape and be able to go into TEC's room, who can help her.


X-Naut: Yes sir!


They lock her up in that room where she goes and meets the super computer TEC-XX.


TEC: You want to send an Email, right?


Peach: No.


Tec: Yes you do! You must first tell me what love is.


Peach: Well, love is, uumm... um... It's a thing that make you throw up.


TEC: Um, okay. You may send your Email.


Peach: What's an Email?


Tec: I don't know.




Bowser: All right! I have been told to sit on the throne, but instead of sitting my big fat butt down now, I'll just talk to all of my troops for no reason.


He does that and he finally sits down, when Kammy comes in.


Kammy: Hi, I'm having a tea party so what do you want, oh and the princess has been captured but that's not important now.


Bowser: Hey! No one can kidnap the princess unless I say so.


Kammy: Actually, he asked you, but you are to retarded and you said yes.


Bowser: We have to rescue her!


Kammy: Why?


Bowser: Because she owes me a dollar.


They both fly off into the night sky.


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