Jungle Knights

Reads: 460  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
The fictional tale of myself and my friends from school.

Submitted: January 06, 2010

A A A | A A A

Submitted: January 06, 2010

A A A

A A A


Jungle Knights
 
 
It was a warm summer’s morning, the birds were chirping, and playing violin to accompany the squirrels who were of course busy singing Latin Opera.
 
Sir Adam White (Jungle Knight) was sleeping soundly in his favorite over-stuffed chair at home, his laptop still on his lap and a jar of peanut butter in his left hand, from last night. God only knows what he was doing.
 
Adam jumped at the sound of his phone ringing in tune with the Latin Opera outside, and quickly answered. It was Alex Calhoun.
 
“So Adam, I heard your considering signing with Jacob Neiman’s Gang, “Team Jacob” today…” Alex began whispering ever so softly into the phone
 
“Alex…if you’re calling to convince me to join Team Edwar…I mean, Team Alex, then you might as well hang up, it’s just to risky to join your team, you’ve seen how sneaky and yet barbaric Neiman’s traps are, and besides, your gang has quite possibly been infiltrated by The Dark Lord.” Adam spoke into the receiver, wearing his favorite red and fuzzy bath robe, “And why are you whispering?”
 
“Well…I’ve actually been kidnapped by The Dark Lord and his gang members…I need you to rescue me, oh God their awake, hel—“ Alex whispered desperately before the line went dead.
 
“Sweet mother of Moses! Alex is in grave danger!” Adam lamented while a rock with a note attached came bursting through his living room window
 
Adam nearly bled to death while walking on all the broken glass to get to the note, it read,
 
“To Sir Adam White (Jungle Knight), I have Alex. You must either join us or he will suffer dearly. Your Pal, The Dark Lord. P.S. Don’t be an idiot and step on all the broken glass or you will pass out and wake up in our dungeon with Alex”
 
“Oh God.” Adam blurted out before passing out
 
 
Ex-President Jacob C. Neiman led his Calvary to victory in an exhibition match against St. Nicholas Dayious, also known as, Nick Day. Afterwards, the two exchanged words…
 
“Dear St. Nicholas Dayious, it would appear I am victorious. It was a fair dance, but you need to perfect your technique.” Neiman spoke in a thick British accent, his glasses fogged over from the heavy breaths of his favorite harlems.
 
“Since when in the hell are you British?” Nick asked a bit angered because of his defeat
 
Suddenly, dear sweet Sir Rohnke rode up upon his noble steed, raised his holy sword and called Neiman and Day to arms, “Brothers! Countrymen! Romans! Lend me your ears! Sir White and Sir Calhoun have been kidnapped by The Dark Lord! We must help them!”
 
“Why are you two talking like that? Since when are we knights? Since when did you get a horse and a sword? What in the bluest of blue hells is going on here?” Nick asked getting angrier and angrier with each question
 
“Well if you want us to stop, all you had to do was ask…jeezum-crow..” Jacob Neiman said in his regular voice
 
“Yeah dude, I can make this horse and sword disappear too..” Derek Rhonke said sadly
 
The horse, the sword, and Jacob’s British accent all disappeared instantly and the three of them just stood there in awkward silence for several moments.
 
“Well crap…now the story is boring and has no direction.” Nick said so frustrated he sat down and began to cry as the vultures circled over-head.
 
Getting on his own noble steed and raising his own holy sword, Jacob Neiman gave a speech to call the writer of this story to arms, “Dear sweet writer, I know as you put the very words in my mouth you have only our best intentions in mind, bless this holy plot-line and give our characters strength.”
 
And so the three knights, dubbed themselves the Jungleteers, and set off on a mystical journey filled with legendary warriors and secret societies.
 
 
Meanwhile, Sir Calhoun and Sir Adam White (Jungle Knight) were literally passing the time by playing catch with an antique pocket watch in The Dark Lord’s dungeon. They were in a prison cell, although the room was dim, they could just barely make out the faint outline of a throne and a pile of old VHS tapes as well.
 
Suddenly light illuminated the room, Alex and Adam gasped and coughed loudly for no apparent reason as The Dark Lord stepped out of the shadows.
 
The Dark Lord bared an uncanny resemblance to Blake Beddow, infact he was Blake Beddow, and was decked out in black armor, only a level 40 or above warrior could wear, according to runescape at least.
 
Before he spoke, his girlfriend Ashlie Delorge, and her friend Katie DelaCruz also stepped out of the shadows.
 
“What do you want…?” Adam said shakily, tears rolling down his face
 
Alex sat in the corner, furiously playing his old-school gameboy, occasionally cussing loudly at a particularly frustrating game. The rats of the dungeon could be heard singing and dancing ragtime, the bats were voting on healthcare, and the orangutans were busying sculpting a statue of the Mayflower.
 
All of this was simply to much for Adam, he suffered a nervous breakdown, and again, blacked out.
 
Adam awoke to the site of Alex’s smiling face looking down at him, a cornucopia of flowers and bright colors behind him, unfortunately, this illusion faded quickly to reveal Alex’s new set of fangs. He was a vampire and now in - league with Blake Beddow, The Dark Lord.
 
“It’s ok Adam, join us.” Alex said, offering his hand to help Adam up
 
“Yes, join us.” Ashlie and Katie said in unison
 
“Oh dear.” Adam thought aloud, “Whoever is writing this story, really backed themselves into a corner…”
 
 
Meanwhile, in Canterbury, The archbishop was giving The Three Jungleteers a hard time.
 
“You three maggots better stop complaining and arguing like a bunch of table-top pixie pussies. Honestly I could have a better and more coherent conversation with a pinball machine that smokes rocks!” The Archbishop yelled red in the face and veins popping out of his neck
 
“Well why the hell are we in Canterbury in all the stupid fictional places in the world?” Nick Day asked to his two fellow Jungleteers, Jacob Neiman and Derek Rhonke
 
The trio took their leave from Canterbury, leaving only the faint sound of Neiman’s Sousaphone, which he played to keep the group’s morale up. Derek sometimes danced a little jig as well.
 
The three eventually reached a creepy forest, which was named simply “Creepy Forest”. The sounds of owls, river otters, black bears, moose, sea horses, and breakfast cereals could be heard in the distance, as well as those damn squirrels singing power ballads from various American artists.
 
As the group tried to navigate the woods, they noticed how the trees seemed to be alive, in fact they were alive, Ex-President Jacob C. Neiman, Sir Derek Rhonke, and St. Nicholas Dayious all were scared severely by the strange activities of the trees, such as window-washing, stirring large vats of Belgium chocolate, and reading British Literature textbooks from Seaman High School.
One tree, who was actually just a 23 year old woman with green hair and little clothing stopped to talk to the Jungleteers.
 
“My name is Vanessa and I’m a tree, does anyone else have wood?” Vanessa asked in her suggestively seductive voice with subtle hints of devilish playfulness
 
The trio all raised one hand and covered their groins with the other. Vanessa went on the explain she was an elemental spirit, endowed by the Gods with the power to reverse vampiric brainwashing powers which had no doubt fallen upon Alex and Sir Adam White (Jungle Knight). She performed a ritually dance to transfer her power to St. Nicholas Dayious. During the dance, Vanessa got on all fours once, because of this jokes were made, sweet honey milk was drank in rejoice, and spiced bread was shared between them, while a traveling mariachi band played and a championship-level chess tournament was held in which the Jungleteers participated in, as well as The Hamburgler, Ulysses Grant, and Andrew Jackson.
 
Now armed with the power to reverse brain-washing, the three traveled towards The Dark Lord’s Fortress using an ancient Malaysian slave woman they had bartered off a man who looked suspiciously like Joseph Stalin.
 
The ancient Malaysian slave woman spoke only in riddles, and wore a bright orange rain poncho, as well as a fake bachelor’s mustache. She guided them to the very bridge which led straight to The Dark Lord’s fortress. There the Malaysian woman died of food poisoning, and spontaneous human combustion as well.
 
An inn & tavern by the name of “The Jolly Dark Lord’s Inn & Tavern”, stood on the other side of the bridge, the jungleteers slowly entered the Inn there was a bar, a boxing ring, and a doorway hidden only by curtain made of an assortment of panties. Instinctively, Sir Rohnke rushed through the panty-door. Jacob Neiman and Nick Day sat down at the bar and rang the bell, instantly the strangest bartender you’ve ever seen emerged from the shadows.
 
He had extremely pale skin, and was a ginger. He claimed to be Dan Brown, author of The Da Vinci Code, and also a veteran of the War of 1812. He was busy putting up posters of The Beach Boys with gorilla glue as he explained to Jacob and Nick, “You see guys, I’m not really even real, who is to say your real? Who is to say that America is still secretly owned by Great Britain? Who is to say my Jolly-Winker doesn’t look like a boa constrictor that just swallowed the complete works of William Shakespeare – on CD?
 
Sir Rohnke burst out of the panty-door, covered in lip stick kiss-marks, and had a large bottle of olive oil in his hand, which he broke over the bar-tenders head.
 
 
Meanwhile, back inside the Dark Lord’s Fortress, Adam was being tortured viciously by Alex, Katie, and Ashlie. Hand-cuffed to a bed that appeared to have some sort of stains on it, Adam writhed and twisted as the ghosts of Martin Van Buren, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and Richard “Tricky Dick” Nixon all massaged his feet with exotic oils from Peru and New Jersey.
 
“You know Adam, being a vampire isn’t that bad.” Katie DelaCruz said between laughs
 
“Yeah Adam, it’s pretty cool, you even get college credit.” Ashlie said while knitting the state flag of Ohio
 
“Just give up and join us, or we’ll be forced to summon more ghosts to rub you down with exotic oils.” Alex whispered into Adam’s ear
 
Then, The Dark Lord, Blake Beddow strolled into the room, he smiled as he attached his fake goatee and bachelor’s mustache.
 
“Good Sir White, I will grant you your freedom if you defeat me in a duel…of Yu-Gi-Oh.” The Dark Lord Black Beddow spoke with Ashlie at his side, a ray gun in his hand, and dressed in full Dragon Ball Z sayian armor.
 
“damn. I’m in a tight spot” Adam thought aloud.
 
Adam knew his only chance of defeating The Dark Lord in a duel was to summon Lindsay Jones, but that required having all five Lindsay cards in his hand, and that was going to be a challenge.
 
The Duel started out by Blake summoning his signature monster card, “Herbert Hoover” in attack mode. For awhile, it looked as if Adam would win without even summoning the legendary Lindsay Jones, as he had successful summoned the Pedobear army and equipped it with the “Sword of Salvatori Vinchini” spell card. Blake countered by attacking with his powerful, yet cute monster, “Big Freakin’ Wang Guy”.
 
Just when it looked like the duel was finished, Blake taunted Adam by saying, “Any last words, Jungle Knight?”
 
“Just two….Lindsay Jones!” Adam shouted as he summoned the invincible Lindsay Jones monster
 
“Blake, what’s the scouter say about her power level?” Katie asked, who had been fighting off the power rangers this entire time
 
“It’s over 9000!!!!” Blake screamed as Lindsay Jones completely blew “Big Freakin’ Wang Guy” away
 
“Well Sir Beddow, it appears I am victorious, I shall request my freedom now” Adam said smiling, a little cocky
 
Blake, Katie, Ashlie, and Alex all started to slowly and creepily walked towards Adam and backed him into a corner.
 
“Really? The writer of this story is really going to back himself into a corner again, and this time even I’m in a corner!” Adam spoke before getting shot by the ghost of Martin Van Buren, for being so lame.
 
Meanwhile, at the Dark Lord’s Inn & Tavern, The three Jungleteers had been building a working replica of Speed Racer’s Mach 5, so they could drive around town later and pick up some chicks, when it occurred to Sir Rohnke that they could just use the Mach 5 as a battering ram and enter the fortress.
 
So they did…
 
Bricks, dust, squirrels, breakfast cereals, and scripts for better stories than “Jungle Knights”, all went flying as The three Jungleteers crashed through the 37th floor of the fortress in their Mach 5.
 
The catholic monks began to cry, the Hindu priests started to wail, and the agnostic ministers sat down and wept.
 
“We’re here to save Adam!” Saint Nicholas Dayious shouted to Blake, Katie, and Ashlie
 
“And Alex!” Sir Rohnke added
 
“But mostly just Adam.” Ex-President Jacob C. Neiman stated
 
“Well you can have him. He abused the fact that he’s the one writing the story and gave his character to ability to summon Lindsay Jones, the unconquerable.” Blake said frustrated
 
“You can keep Alex though.” Jacob laughed
 
“Yeah, Alex never really was that cool of a guy.” Adam said while laughing
 
Sir Rohnke and Saint Nicholas Dayious stared at Adam with concern, there were many unanswered questions, such as how will Lindsay Jones react to this story? How much hell will there be to pay for Katie and Ashlie getting such small parts? And what was Adam doing last night with his laptop and the peanut butter?
 
God only knows.
 
END


© Copyright 2019 ZaydenKincaid. All rights reserved.

Add Your Comments: