Jungle Knights 3

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
The randomness finally concludes in the last story in this series.

Submitted: February 02, 2010

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Submitted: February 02, 2010

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Jungle Knights 3: Terminus of the Deluxe
 
Sir Adam White (Jungle Knight) tossed and turned on his air mattress in his haunted apartment, the recurring nightmare of robotic ninja monkeys pouring giblets on his naked body was tormenting him once again.
 
A bright flash of light filled the shitty apartment, Adam slowly opened his eyes only to see what he thought was an angel.
 
“It’s bright as hell in here, you mind turning yourself down.” Adam said holding his hand up to his face and squinting
 
“I’ve come to tell you that you’re going to save the world.” The figure drenched in light spoke
 
“Hey…I know that voice…Taylor Sloup? Da hell you want? How the hell did you get in here?” Adam asked a little mad
 
“Oh shut up Adam, you’re lucky I even agreed to be in this stupid story” Taylor Sloup said
 
Taylor Sloup vanished just as quickly as she appeared, meanwhile at Jacob Neiman’s Bait & Tackle shop, things weren’t going so well…
 
Ex-President Jacob C. Neiman had his hands full with the gang of mutant toads that had been wrecking his shop for the last 20 minutes. Screaming at the top of his lungs, he finally convinced the troublesome amphibians to leave.
 
Not surprisingly, (since the rabbi phenomenon was in full effect in these days), a rabbi got up from his table in a shadowy corner of Jacob’s Bait & Tackle shop.
 
“They don’t call me old iron sides for nothing. Now put me on the do not call list…or else.” The rabbi spoke sternly and narrowed his beady eyes at Jacob
 
The rabbi then began to sing “Grand Lake O’ the Cherokees”, and got humped by countless purple-necked rock-wallabies.
 
Jacob sighed, he knew something was terrible wrong with the balance and harmony of the universe, he sensed a great evil spewing forth from the bowels of the earth, he decided to round up the gang before anyone got kidnapped, thus preventing the writer from using the same damn plot-line he used in the last two stories.
 
Tanner Foster & Michael Thornwall were extremely busy fighting off a giant enemy crab when Michael’s pink and glittery cell phone rang. Tanner had slain the giant crab by summoning a unicorn by the name of Samuel L. Jackson, who used it’s flamethrower attack.
“Hello?” Michael asked aloud into his pink cell phone
 
“Michael, I sense a great disturbance in the universe, come quickly so we can round up everyone.” Jacob yelled into his phone over the sound of 12 gnomes competing in a brutal UFC-style tournament.
 
Meanwhile, down in hell, Lindsay Jones aka Satan, was sitting on her infernal throne, drinking infernal lemonade, infernally watching her slaves dance, and was very infernally bored.
 
“How dare that creeper Adam White leave me out of the second Jungle Knights story, and then depict me as Satan in the third story!” Lindsay said, so angry that flames shot out of the infernal ground and burned some of her infernally infernal slaves to infernally rot in infernal eternal damnation.
 
Lindsay’s infernal barbershop quartet were busy breaking banjoes over the shaved backs of illegal soul-immigrants from Uganda, when Lindsay yelled at the four demons.
 
“Hey you worthless pieces of poo, I’m going to start an army to capture the world and then torture the Jungle Knight, so get busy with our Aerial Advertising scheme shit-heads.” Lindsay ordered her barber shop quartet.
 
Meanwhile at a local Y-Key-Key-Bar…
 
Ashlie Delorge and Katie DelaCruz were busy chattin’ about philosophy, anthropology, Anglo-Saxon Literature, and digimon, when the bar tender turned around and smiled, it was St. Nicholas Dayious.
 
“So you two wanted one Barbarossa and a Bloody Mary each right?” Nick asked
 
“Uhh…what? You know we don’t drink.” Katie said a little annoyed
 
“Oh right…darn..” Nick sighed sadly throwing some dissolvable pills over his shoulder
 
Tanner, Michael, and Jacob all came bursting through the door and pissed on a chameleon.
 
“You trio over yonder, ye shall join our noble quest to seek the jungle knight and set the balance of the universe right, as well as subscribe to Adam’s youtube account, RancidInsanity.” Jacob shouted while pointing at Nick, Ashlie, and Katie
 
“Wait, did the writer just shamelessly plug his youtube account in his own story?” Tanner asked
 
“Yeah he did, but it’s ok because Adam’s youtube account, RancidInsanity, has really cool and extremely entertaining videos on it.” Michael answered
“He just did it again! Stop plugging your youtube channel in the middle of a story!” Tanner shouted, enraged
 
“You can also follow Adam White (Jungle Knight) on twitter, his user name is RancidVulture.” Nick said smiling while cleaning a dish
 
“That’s it, I’m leaving and going to the end of the story, so I can take a big poop all over it.” Tanner yelled and instantly vanished
 
And so Jacob, Michael, Nick, Katie, and Ashlie all set out to find Adam White (Jungle Knight) and others such as Alex Calhoun and Grover Cleveland.
 
Adam tossed and turned on his inflatable mattress, nothing made since to him anymore, he was losing ideas left and right, and his lantern was getting low on oil. Outside his small, shitty apartment, he heard gunshots, low feminine moans of pleasure, and a ringmaster introducing the next act.
 
Jacob kicked Adam’s apartment door down, the light behind him was blinding.
 
“Da hell?” Adam asked really annoyed
 
“We’ve come to ask you to join us to set the universe right.” Jacob spoke boldly, now dressed in colonial attire. With an American flag and fireworks going off behind him
 
“There’s only one thing wrong in this crazy universe, Satan.” Adam whispered while humping his air mattress
 
“Satan? I killed him like two years ago.” Nick laughed
 
“Yes, you may have, but the new Satan, Lindsay Jones, is to powerful for only us to combat, we need all the help we can get…luckily I have everyone else involved in the story on speed-dial.” Adam smiled whilst dialing Derek Rhonke’s number
 
Rhonke was very muscular now, he had become a 12-time World Janitorial Champion and once defeated legions upon legions of rabid robotic centaurs, all while texting of course.
 
Alex Calhoun was an esteemed politician, diplomat, father, level 72 dungeon master, as well as his day-job, a motivational speaker. He had become the first person ever in history to simultaneously become mayor and governor in Topeka and Kansas. Alex demanded from that point on everyone refer to him as the “May-Nor”.
 
Blake Beddow, the dark lord, had been busying competing in a martial arts tournament and had just gotten make from the Overworld with help from the thunder god.
 
As soon as everyone showed up at Adam’s crappy lil’ apartment, they began to discuss a battle strategy, when suddenly a bright light filled the room, and everyone was temporarily blinded, except for Michael who took the opportunity to touch other one else’s butt, including the men’s.
 
The light slowly dimmed and Taylor Sloup stood, dressed to the loins in shiny black PVC.
 
“Da hell?” everyone except Taylor said at once
 
“Hey! I’m not the penis-dicked blue-assed baboon that’s writing this story! I can’t control what I wear!” Taylor yelled angry
 
A staircase leading down to hell opened up and a demonic feminine voice beckoned them all to their demise.
 
All sorts of shit was seen by Adam, Nick, Jacob, Alex , Blake, Michael, Derek, Katie, and Ashlie. Hitler was seen on his laptop  booking flights to Brooklyn on Travelocity, while Jack the ripper strangled Barbie dolls and threw a bottle of diet 7-up which actually hit Nick in the face.
 
“What is this shit?” Nick asked, pissed off
 
At the bottom of the staircase Joseph Stalin and his army of disgruntled electricians where waiting for our gang of heroes.
 
“So I hear you came to defeat Lindsay Jones in battle? Bwahahaha.” Stalin laughed in his heavy Russian accent.
 
“I’M TANNA FOSTA AND IMMA FIRIN’ MAH LAZ0R!!!1!1!” Tanner Foster shouted and let loose an epic blast from his mouth, wiping out Stalin and his army of electricians.
 
“Tanna Fosta! You’ve saved us!” Adam said overjoyed to the point of tears
 
“Go. It’s time to destroy the new Satan, Lindsay Jones.” Tanner said in a highly seriously tone
 
“Not so fast…we are the demonic barbershop quartet…and we shall defeat you!” Lindsay Jones’ demonic barbershop quartet sang in perfect harmony
 
“Your powers combined…I am Captain Planet!” Captain Planet shouted his battle cry as he flew down from heaven onto the hellish warzone.
 
“Holy hell. It’s Captain Planet” Nick said
 
“You guys go on and defeat Lindsay Jones, I’ll take care of this demonic barbershop quartet.” Captain Planet instructed
 
The group all nodded pleasantly and skipped all jolly-like down a demented hallway with rotting souls reaching out there wretched hands from behind the unbreakable bars that held them in their internal damnation.
 
Finally, they reached the unholy throne room, where Lindsay Jones was perched upon her throne.
 
“Charge!!!” Adam yelled
 
Then, all hell broke loose…
 
Instantly hordes of Lindsay’s minions swarmed our group of heroes, luckily they all had found effin’ lightsabers in that hallway, so they where like freakin’ invincible. Vampiric baby elephants who rode upon magic carpets and sang latin opera while throwing pipe bombs where seen, as well as giant gnats that pooped out DVDs as they flew over the battlefield.
 
“Who the hell puts giant effing gnats in a story?” Nick asked while slaughtering countless minions with his lightsaber
 
Random Teenagers wearing powdered wigs and lederhosen pulled out assorted dishes and hurled them causes many owies and boo-boos. Luckily Michael Thornwall pulled out his glittery pink cell phone and used it to send out a pink magic shockwave that instantly killed countless minions.
 
Lindsay joins transformed into her true demon form, a big-ass dragon and ate Adam. Everything slowed down as all our other heroes dramatically looked towards the Lindsay Dragon and slowly shouted “NOOO!!!”.
 
Things then sped up as Lindsay-Dragon shot hellfire from her bowels in an attempt to kill our remaining heroes.
 
“Ok…this is getting ridiculous.” Taylor Sloup spoke, still dressed in the shiny black PVC outfit
 
Unknown to our heroes, Captain Planet and Tanner Foster had fused together to form “Captain Foster”. Captain Foster floated above the dragon and shouted, “Your powers combined…IMMA FIRIN’ MAH LAZOR!!!!’
 
A rainbow colored mega-blast sped out of Captain Foster’s mouth and completely obliterated the Lindsay-Dragon.
 
At first our heroes, Captain Foster, Ashlie, Taylor, Katie, Derek, Alex, Jacob, Nick, Blake, and Michael rejoiced but then realized that Adam was gone. Sadness swept over everyone, until a bright light once again filled hell and everyone slowly realized they were back in Adam’s shitty apartment, and Adam was there, wearing a white robe with a long white beard and hair and held a white staff.
 
“I am Adam…the white.” Adam said with a slight smile on his face
 
END


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