The Parable of Maxwell Douglas Jr.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Short work to teach everyone an important moral lesson.

Submitted: January 06, 2010

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Submitted: January 06, 2010

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Maxwell Douglas Jr. sat on his rusty bar stool inside his log cabin. The snow outside was piling up and pissing off the trees.
 
He could only think of the woman that stole his heart. She actually wasn’t a woman, she was a harpy, the mythical half-woman half-bird creature mentioned in Ancient Greece.
 
As his therapist suggested, Maxwell would often smother himself with bottles upon bottles of pure kitten tears, and rub sapphires and rubies on his genitals.
 
Seeing as how Maxwell Douglas Jr’s dad, Steve, was president of Canada, Maxwell was constantly being watched by seductive fembot secret service agents. He drooled and howled like a dog as a particular blonde slowly walked past and shot him a beckoning look.
 
Maxwell tackled the fair skinned, green eyed 25 year old athletically built fembot, and took pictures of them together, smiling, which he quickly uploaded to facebook.
 
Bigfoot burst through the door, letting in the cold wind and various stuffed animals, including a rare early 90s beanie baby, which of course spontaneously combusted.
 
Bigfoot explained he loved reading, writing, manga, and retro 80s nights at dance clubs. And disturbingly enough, he also explained he was single….and lonely.
 
That night Maxwell slept in his cocoon, which he had spun with the silk that occasionally shoots out of his greasy asshole.
 
When Maxwell was a freshman in college, he was bit by a radioactive and, on a side note, republican, ass-spider. This of course caused him to develop super powers including the ability to hypnotize beautiful 20some year old women into gleefully obeying his every command, but because God has a sense of humor, Maxwell lost this ability after accidentally hypnotizing an Aardvark with herpes instead.
 
He spent five years fighting crime in New York City, playing chess with agnostic porn stars, and debating gay marriages between humans and androids…in Taiwan.
 
Maxwell slid out of his ass-silk cocoon and was instantly tackled by Regis Philbin, Alex Trebek, and Pat Sajak. The three tied him to one of the pissed off trees after stripping him down naked and smothering Maxwell’s body in mayonnaise, and then proceeded to throw cheap, lead-painted toys from china at him.
 
A minotaur floated down from the heavens and killed all three game show hosts, feasting on their vital organs.
 
Maxwell just put his hands on his hips and laughed, he knew he was blessed to have been chosen by the gods to be the minotaur’s mate.


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