Confusion

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
Short story about feelings that some people might feel

Submitted: July 18, 2013

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Submitted: July 18, 2013

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Once a couple is no longer together you would assume they won't speak to one another ever again or as much as they used to. They might speak to one another in general and have the usual 'hello, hi' conversation, however this has never been the case with us. We were together for 2 years and then we just broke up, we had our reasons to do so but we never stopped speaking to one another completely. We carried on speaking and still speak today but the way we speak is the problem.  

We aren't Husband/Wife. We aren't Boyfriend/Girlfriend anymore. We aren't even friends nor enemies. We don't know what to name our relationship. One thing I do know is that in my heart there is some love for him. I don't why and I don't know if he feels the same way but I still love him a little deep inside. We speak to one another as though we were never a couple but just really good friends but sometimes I say things or he says things that change the atmosphere. It doesn't make anything awkward but confusing. I'll give you a few examples of when this has happened up until we've broke up: 

 

  1. I check my interactions every hour or so if I'm at home the whole day or whenever I get the time to do so. The minute I log on, I look for his name. My eyes roll left and right across the screen just to look for his username on my interactions feed and I eagerly await for his messages. Just like before. I don't know if it's because I'm so used to waiting for his messages or the fact that I'm so caught up in the conversations we have.  

  2. I get really angry whenever he speaks about his marriage or other girls. It really irritates me and I feel as if he's stabbing me with a really sharp knife unknowingly. I don't know if he does it deliberately to be honest, just to wind me up. Maybe he does or maybe he doesn't but all I know is, it hurts me. A lot. Then I stop and think for a minute, hang on. He isn't mine anymore so why is it hurting me if he's moving on and progressing in life. It shouldn't should it. I need to keep my emotions under control and just sulk in my own bedroom rather than in front of him or the whole world.  

That's the 2 things that I'm starting to repeat again although we aren't together anymore. I feel as if I'm slowing getting lost in the memories and the past and I'm forgetting that this is reality. He does things that frustrate me too.  

  1. I asked him for his opinion on a dress and the first thing he said is 'No you cannot wear that, it's too revealing.' If we both claim that we aren't a couple anymore why did he forcefully thrust the word 'cannot'in that sentence. It's a strong word. His sentence is structured exactly as it was when we were together. I had to listen to him and couldn't really argue back. This time I decided to stop and realize what he had said and the way he said it to me. I said to him, You aren't my boyfriend anymore so stop acting like one.' It hurt to say that but it was the anger inside me saying that. I didn't like the fact that he thinks he has control over me yet I loved it? I think I let my ego take the best of me and I said it a bit harshly but I suppose I was right to say so. You can't play with someone's feelings and make them feel as though you still have a right over them and no one else can dare to say or do anything. 

  2. Whenever we meet up 'Not as boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife/friend nor enemies' we stare at one another. He starts it. He starts to stare at me and I start to stare back and before we know it, we're both lost in one another's eyes for a split second. I know I'm lost in his eyes. That second means more than an hour to me. So many strong feelings and emotions are in that one second. Slowly it starts to ruin the distance between us that we've set but it also brings us closer once again.  

  3. He really pissed me off when he said he was going to pay for my wedding lengha (dress). I would actually LOVE for him to do that for me but only if he was my husband to be. Not as whatever we are. It would kill me if he did that. As if he's actually giving me away for good. Forever.  

Everything he does or I do or we both do just brings us together again but also makes us angry. I don't know if he wants to be together or if he doesn't. I don't know why I still love him and I don't know if I'll ever stop loving him. I'm not going to lie, he's in my head 24/7. I wake up thinking of him. I go to sleep thinking of him. I pray for him. I always wish the best for him. I miss him sometimes. I laugh at the old memories we had like I'm a crazy widow who's lost in the memory of her husband who's no longer in the world but his soul is in her. I always wonder where he is at certain times, I wonder whether he's eaten or not. I worry for him, I get happy for him. I don't understand myself. I blurt my heart out to myself and it doesn't help. My brain and my heart both don't know what they want. They want him but they don't.  

I love him. I hate him. 

 


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