My Feelings for Her

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
I have finally gone and written something from the bottom of my heart.

Submitted: March 17, 2014

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Submitted: March 17, 2014

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As I sat on the empty bench, I couldn't help but ponder on the number of unjust incidents that had occurred to me over the years. Since my childhood, I had not been good at any extra curricular activities..no good at football, basketball, athletics, swimming. Not much of a outside person, me. I would rather sit in my room with a good novel and listen to some music. Not much for interaction with other people too. I like to stick to myself. But the social norms do not give that privilege. And I’m forced to meet other kinds of people.

 

My past has not been a joyful one. Due to my kind of introverted nature, I do not exactly fit with other crowds. The nerds, the popular, the sports players, the dancers...I never quite fit in. The result? A lot of teasing, a lot of bullying, a lot of time spent alone during the recess...My heart used to break at the fact that there was no one I could actually talk to without any fear. Hell, I wasn't even comfortable talking to my family. It made me vulnerable, open to harm from which I could not protect myself. I hated it. The loneliness, the fear...It made me a bitter person. But the world could not know this, to them I must still be that boy who did not care what they did to him. But I was breaking on the inside.

 

I began to spend more time on my own. After all, wasn't I was the only person I could trust? All the others, you cannot trust them. The world will twist you to fulfill it's own means. Reading books, listening to music, sketching...they were all I had to pass my time.

 

Then I met her.

 

She was...different. I've had crushes before but she was different. She was kind, she listened without judging, she accepted me. For the first time in my life, I had someone I could openly talk to. I told her everything. What I liked, what I wanted to do, how I felt...she was there to listen. And I listened to her. Her likes, her dislikes, her feelings...and we bonded. I teased her, she teased me. I realized that I actually liked her.

 

We talked for hours, we messaged each other. She made me happy.

 

But I was never sure if she like me too...

 

We had a fight...i'm not sure who was at fault. But it broke my heart. There I had found a person who I could finally talk to without any tension...and she was gone. I have no idea what happened to me. I became bitter, irritable, lonely...But I was defiant that I would not let any person, no matter how close they were to my heart, change my nature. I was determined to be good, kind, helpful no matter what.

 

A few months later, I decided that I did not want to carry that thorn of bitterness in my heart. I reached out to her, apologized to her and decided not to contact her ever again. I couldn't believe that I could actually like someone...But then she contacted me saying that she liked me too. And I was not sure what to do...Do I say that we should get back? Do I say I’m sorry too? Do I say that I want you back? I did not want to be hurt again, so I did not reply. Then she told me that there was someone who wanted to ask her out. I tried to be as nonchalant as I could be, but deep down somewhere in my heart I felt sad and jealous...How could she do this to me? But I did not say anything. I let my pain sink deeper.

 

She talked about the other guy and I realized that I could never compete with this guy. He could offer her a lifestyle and all I could offer was love. Hell, does anybody even value love in today's world? I too used to scoff at the thought of loving someone else apart from my family. It used to seem over-rated to me. But I had fallen in love...and it had broken my heart and faith in the concept. But I was certain that I wanted one thing, and it was for her to be happy. I encouraged her to continue the relationship. I told her that I would back her decision no matter what. But I think she understood my feelings.

 

I was sad, lonely and angry...i decided to ask her. After what could be the harm? She could say no. Big deal, I can handle it. So I asked her...and she said that she wasn't sure. I was devastated. But the year end was near and I was determined that my new year would be devoid of any vengeful feelings I had for anyone. I made peace with her and carried on into the new year as if nothing could bother me anymore.

 

But I still had feelings for her. I mean, why? Why does my heart have to be so stupid? Can I not just let go of her and let me live in peace? Why does it continue to torture me? I began to talk to her again. But now I was a different person. I was more open and active. I began to drop hints here and there.

 

She understood and told me that the reason that she had that she was not sure was because she was afraid that she could hurt me. I told her she had already done that, so it didn't matter anymore. And it really didn't matter anymore. I now had a stone heart. It was cold and unmoving. But only to others. Not to her.

 

And as of now, she still hasn't said yes. I'm still asking her and she still isn't sure. But all I know is that talking to her makes me happy. Her laughter makes me happy. Her voice, her teasing me, her face...they make my heart skip a beat. I may be a hopeless fool. Even I realize that. But there is no harm in trying, is there?

 

 


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