Past, Now and Future

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Non-Fiction  |  House: Booksie Classic

You know, unless something bad happened to you, you wouldn't think back about your past. That's what exactly happen to me. For the past few days, I've been thinking about him and I really wish that he's thinking of me too. I can't seem to forget about him. Maybe because he's my first love. And what is love? Is this feeling I have now LOVE?

And this is a story of my first love.

THE PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE

 

 

I don’t even know how to describe my feeling right now as I’m writing this. All I know is that I can’t stop thinking about him.

 

*****

2 YEARS AGO

 

We met in high school on my first day itself as I was a transferred student. I don’t know anyone there. And fate brought me to him as I Have you ever been in love?

Have you ever fallen in love?

And is this feeling I have now love?

was assigned to sit in front of him in my first chemistry class.

I’m different than everyone else because I don’t know how to make friends. Not that I’m being unfriendly. Maybe people do think of me as unfriendly because I just don’t know how to make the first step to try to know other people.  So, it was hard when I have to move away from my friends.

Maybe because I was really quiet and make no attempt to say hello to people that got his attention. Up till now, I never quite know the reason why he approached me. Maybe he’s just a very friendly person.

We were first a hi-bye friend. Then, as we get to know more each other, we’d talk more about ourselves. And then, he’d sit with me in classes. And through him, I got to make more friends. I’m really grateful to him for what he’d done to me. And because of him, I get to have a best friend that I’m still in contact with till now.

As we got closer, people tend to talk behind us. Rumours about us were spreading. I was worried in the beginning that he’d distance himself from me for sure but I was wrong. In fact, he seemed hurt when I told him what I had in mind. And our friendship became stronger.

The following year, we became lab partners and I couldn’t be any happier. That was the beginning of everything.

He’d start by annoying me but I just couldn’t stay mad at him because he’s too cute for that. Then, he’d type his full name into my phone’s new message and would leave it like that so that when I unlocked my phone, I’ll get to see his name on my screen.

When he first got my phone number, he’d text me about assignments and other school related stuff. Then, slowly from school work, we’d talk about our day and he’d sometimes flirt with me. Sometimes he’d call and we’ll talk until I slept and he’d hung up. And sometimes when I didn’t reply to his message as I already had fallen asleep, I’d have two unread messages early in the morning from him. The last message would be, ‘I know you’re probably asleep already. I shall see you in school tomorrow.’

And I’d be smiling to read that message in the morning because I knew he wants to see me in school. Then, he’d tousled my hair and pinched my cheek when I irritate him. He’d also come running after me when I was walking ahead of him.

I only realised that he might have feelings for me when he asked me out. And I thought we’re just going to hang out with other friends too. So, it’s really awkward when he said he wants some alone time with me.

I was surprised and I turned down the offer saying that I was busy. Then, from that day onwards, he’d ask me out so frequent and I’d always turn him down. I never once went out with him till this day because of what my friend told me.

My friend is a mutual friend of us both and she had warned me about him. According to her, he used to be a player and he’s friendly to everyone. She also advised me not to let down my guards when I was with him because his action that showed that he’s trying to get me might just be a bet between his friends.

After hearing that, I was lost. I don’t know how to be with him anymore. I couldn’t bring myself to be near him anymore and every time people talked about us, I’d feel as if people were actually laughing about me for being stupid as if they knew that he’s just playing with me. I felt suffocated with people watching, talking, smiling and laughing when I was walking down the hallway with him. Maybe I was just being paranoid. But, who knows?

As days passed, I distanced myself from him. But then, one day, he pulled me to a corner during our break. He looked into my eyes with such strong emotion that I can’t help but look away.

“Why can’t you look at me? Did I do something wrong? How come I have the feeling that you’re avoiding me?” he asked.

I looked up at him, not saying anything. He sighed and looked away, releasing his grip on my hand.

I took a step backward and turned on my heels. I was going to leave but he confessed to me at that moment and I stopped at where I was and turned back to him.

“I really like you. I like you more than a friend.” He repeated.

My heart skipped a beat hearing that and I was really happy but my happiness doesn’t last. “I wonder how many times you used the same line on girls.”

He was taken aback by my response. “Why do you say that?”

I walked back to face him and place my hands in his. I love his hand that plays the guitar. I love him.

After taking a breath, I said, “Ash, I love you too. But, I can’t accept your feelings. I’m sorry.”

“What? I mean why? I love you and you love me too. I don’t see the problem!” he said furiously. I bet he had never been rejected by girls.

I turned away but he held on to my hands. “Tell me. What’s the reason?”

His voice was softer when he asked me that. Tears managed to slip down and I can see the hurt in his eyes.

“I can’t do this anymore, Ash. Please let me go. I don’t want to end up like the girls you’ve gone out with. I’m scared. I’m really scared that this whole thing is just a bet. And where will that leave me? My heart is fragile. So, please, I beg you, while I can keep wonderful memories I had with you, don’t destroy it.”

He finally let go of my hand and I walked away. Things became more awkward because we’re stuck as lab partners the following day. And at the end of the day, I saw him in the school office and I overheard that he’s trying to change his classes.

And there I was thinking whether he did that because of me. Did he do that because I no longer have value for him? That he can no longer use me.

We went back as hi bye friend throughout our high school period. When we graduated from high school, on the very last day of high school, he came and said, “I don’t think we get to see each other anymore after this. I’m going to continue my studies in London. So, I wish you the very best in your endeavours. Goodbye.”

And he left. Just like that.

 

*****

 

I know I’d misjudged him because his best friend told me about it. His best friend and I study in the same university and he had told me that there was no bet between them that involves me.

And that Ash was serious about having a relationship with me. According to him, Ash was really heartbroken when I rejected him because he’s really in love with me. I felt terrible knowing that but I can’t possibly go and tell him that I’m sorry for misjudging him. It’s my stupid pride that I’m still alone now. Because if I want to, I can video call him and apologise. And maybe if he still like me, we can be together.

Sitting in my room now, staring at my laptop screen as I typed out my real life story, I felt like crying. I fell down yesterday and hurt my knee. If he was here, he would have carried my bag and my books, walked with me to wherever I want to go, following my pace. Just like the old times.

If only I gave him a chance to explain, things might have worked out between us. That’s why I’d like to take this opportunity to tell you, if you have someone you like, do not give up or else you’d end up alone, just like me.

But I believe that if we’re meant to be together, we will be together in the future. And if we really get together in the future, I’ll let you know.


Submitted: March 08, 2012

© Copyright 2020 Zeria. All rights reserved.

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