wants

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Editorial and Opinion  |  House: Booksie Classic
we all have wishes that we think would make our lives happy; here are some of mine...

Submitted: October 27, 2009

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Submitted: October 27, 2009

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it's the middle of the day and i sit at my pc trying to concentrate on what i have to do...that is finish that translation i started long ago, but i don't really feel like doing anything like that. I open the page and start writing...a word, two words...a phrase...then my mind wonders off. I've always had this habit of day dreaming; even when i was learning my abc-s, i stopped pen in the air, thinking about the last story my mother had read to me, or some other fantasy my mind created. Now, I do the same but now my mind wonders towards unfulfilled wishes, about missed opportunities, about whether I expect to much of this existence or not.

A house on the beach, the soft sand at 10 feet from my front door... a cold breeze and the salty air. I remember them, except for the house of course .. I never had the house...but I had the salty air in my lungs and the soft sand underneath my soles. I could walk along the beach for hours and not get bored; the waves washing away the sand from my feet and then bringing it back. This is more or less reality and then my imagination steps in and makes me waste minutes of my time just thinking, flying away from the so called “office”. Just like in the movies...to stand, feet in water, and watch the sun sinking into the sea, to feel the cold breeze penetrating my clothes and reaching the skin...and then... to feel his warm body against my back, protecting me from the cold. Boring, typical, old, uninteresting image....everybody has seen this picture on the big screens at some point. Absolutely nothing new, but me, I had never lived this, I want to...but it doesn’t happen. I want this boring thing for me. To have my soul-mate, prince-charming, or whatever you want to call him with me. To be able to put my head on his chest and feel his heart beating, to feel his lips on my forehead, or to just sit and talk...or rather listening to him telling me about what he used to do when he was in high-school, or about his first love, or his plans about how to expand the business, or about his favorite sports car...or whatever he wants.

To see that look in his eyes that says:”now you are everything I want and need”, or the other one that tells me he cannot wait to go inside... it is possible to have all these from a single person? I hope...hope is all I'm left with...but my hopes are starting to vanish because I only seem to get bits and pieces of all that I want and that in different men. Somehow I don’t think it’s fair to make me choose!!! how can I choose??!!! who ???!!! the one who loves me with passion? Or the one who kisses my forehead? Or the one with whom I can spend hours talking? Or maybe the one with whom I can flirt endlessly? I cannot choose the passion...i cannot settle with that only... I want him to be my friend and to be his friend before anything else. I cannot choose the talking type either because many times I need silence, many times I hate to even say a word...flirt...well I'm not always in the mood for that... what about when I'm sad? I really need somebody who can get me out of there, because I'm prone to feeling depressed, I don’t need many reasons; and who’s gonna want that? People like jolly persons...happy ones, always smiling....I'm not that. I'm not the happy type. I can’t be smiling all the time, I can’t be always in a good mood. Sometimes it happens that I wake up happy, without knowing why...but that isn’t every day, only from time to time. And if I really do find somebody to give all of that...what can I offer in return? I know I can give love, but I know I can also suffocate with my sadness... nevertheless I can control that with a little help. I know I can give freedom because I like to have my own space...so that is easy...and I also can be funny...this I also know. Could this be enough? Enough to get me that relationship which makes you feel safe, loved and protected...that relationship for which you would be able to sacrifice everything? Because for me...this is the most important thing for a relationship...to put it before everything else: before your work, before your friends, even before your family, that kind of union...but isn’t that perfection? And if it is...can perfection exist?


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