Chased but Didn't Find

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
A bitter-sweet realization

Submitted: November 13, 2014

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Submitted: November 13, 2014

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I find myself drifting and losing grip to what I hold dear to my heart. Nothing makes sense yet is so clearly laid out in front of me. It’s clear to see through the haze, dark figures moving slowly around me in the gray night. I see them, they’re outlines but I can’t convince myself that they’re really there.

Even in the gray, the darkness that hugs tightly around me is suffocating, my breathing is shallow, and I can't find a way to catch a breath. “Where am I?” I whisper, my voice fades into silence. I'm standing still, but my heart races like I was running. My legs feel sore and my bare feet burn despite the cold thin glass that I stand on.  My heart picks up pace and the urge to run grips my heart and makes my legs move mechanically. I feel hands pull on mine, people pushing behind me and their mumbling fills my ears, but what they say, I can’t make out clearly.

A flash hits my eyes and the darkness is swallowed. Warm sand crunches beneath my feet, the light just as blinding as the darkness. The voices seize and the people around me fade, one of them linger and squeeze my hand reassuringly before disappearing. Dread fills my heart and makes my insides ache.

A great rock towers in front of me, the shadows casted over the ocean. The waters gently splash against the rock and seem inviting with promises. My feet move toward a dark cave that’s etched into the side of the big rock. Water smacks against my legs and swallow my feet with a chilled bite. I feel a tug on my chest, an invisible force tugging, and whispering for me to keep going.

I enter the cave, chilled ocean water high up around my waist. Without hesitation, and without gulping in air, I dive in. The cold sends needles through my skin and makes my mind fog. I struggle in the dark water but my limbs feel frozen. A light sparkles at the corner of my eye, so close at reach yet I can’t move. I close my eyes, my lungs bursting and my mind blanking, but despite it, I relax. The water around me lifts and seems to evaporate, leaving my skin with a humid sticky feeling. Warm air brushes against me, my eyes flicker open and I gasp for air. I sit there swallowing air for my screaming lungs.

I hear many voices laugh, faded and quiet, but enough to make me struggle to my feet and stand. I wearily search for the source of the voices, as if the longer I hear them, the more strength I lose. The light is dim and shadows dance in the tunnels. The ocean roars and grunts as it pounds on the great rock.

The laughing stops and the shadows stop flickering, emerging into darkness that devours the light. “Why am I here?”

Deep inside, I know why, an old feeling that was forgotten was waking up. This place was so familiar that my chest began to throb. My name echoes off the walls as a sweet familiar voice whispers it, calling and repeating, begging for my attention. I turn toward to the direction the voice is coming from, and close my eyes. "Don’t…" I whisper. His face comes close to mine and warmth of his lips spread on my lips, he kisses me over and over, so many unspoken words and promises in each kiss. His lips part from mine, leaving my lips and my heart chilled. The air around me shatters and becomes frigid cold. I open my eyes and see no one. Everything seems to lose its color and everything becomes silent and still. My eyes begin to water and a tear streams down my cheek.

“Why?”

“You know why…” my voice comes back from the end of the tunnel, as if my voice belonged to someone else. “You know why…” I close my eyes, hearing my voice fade in my ears.

My eyes flutter open, moonlight streaming into my room. My close is damp with sweat and my breathing is heavy. I blink, allowing my eyes to adjust. I gently brush my fingers against my cheek and feel the wet streak of a tear. I was crying in my dream?  

The dream leaves its mark at the back of my mind, reminding me that I followed but didn't find anything. No, I chased but didn't find him, a bitter-sweet realization that leaves its mark on my broken heart.  After everything we’ve been through, this is how it turned out. My heart is already broken, I just need to let go or fight for something that’s not even there, but am I strong enough to make the right decision? Something tells me that I’m not…


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