betty ruby Profile

betty ruby

Location: United Kingdom

Gender: F

Member Since: April 2019

Last online: April 2019

Open for read requests: Yes

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               My Pain 

I look for you in my dreams Jamie, shouting you, crying out you name, I can’t hear your voice anymore, please talk to me once again. I look everywhere for your smiling face, I know I’ll never find you, I’m in the wrong place, I dream of finding you one day, dreaming of you is the only way, Dreams are all I’ve got, stop searching for you, I will not. 

I woke up one morning and four turned into three. No way, this isn’t happening to me, this isn’t the way it’s meant to be. What has happened to my little family, just like that and you were gone, disappeared, gone, just gone. Life without you is too hard to face, where are you, you’ve left me no trace. I don’t know how I’ve lived and breathed without you being here, I’ve only just existed and now it’s been a year. 

Facing everyday is a massive task, life without you feels like too much to ask. I don’t know how I’m surviving without you,Jame. The pain, the pain, goes over and over again and again. Ripping, Tearing, in my heart is what I feel, smacks in the face, blows in my stomach, this pain is very real. 

Life isn’t fair, as I now know, for this pain I feel I know will never ever go, nothing can make this pain stop. Thoughts and feelings of you are all I’ve got, dread, fear, loneliness, the lot. Thoughts of you going around and around, I wish I could curl up in a ball somewhere never to be found. 

I can’t go anywhere where you shoes may have trodden, Too many memories, where you have been, what you have done, memories of you hurt, but will never be forgotten. I can go places where your shoes never did tread, there’s no memory of you being there in my head. 

Photos of you are everywhere, but I can’t look at you, it’s far to hard for me to bare. I miss you do much it hurts and hurts, I think of your funeral on the way to the church, it wasn’t for your wedding day, that I will never see, there will never be no bride -to -be. Never again, never anymore, it stops right here for us, all the family and me. 

I’m devastated, my worlds fell apart, I’m now living with a hole in my broken heart. I feel like an alien, living in civilian space, always a smile and a brave face. It’s always a show, of course people will know. This, me, I, that I carry is now my shell, for now I have died inside too, this life I’m now living is now my pure hell. 

Life goes on for other people, rushing around with their feet firmly on the ground. To me it’s a big wide world out there, I hate it when they look or stare. Feels like Groundhog Day that’s what it is, everyday the same hurt and pain, I’m stuck in this rut and I can’t get up. 

I’ll carry on dreaming, searching for you crying out your name, trying to find you everywhere. I will look for you my beautiful Son, One Day, Jamie, my baby, I will find you, somewhere in the big blue sky, and then I will know, that we don’t die. Cuz I’ve found your beautiful face, I’ve got to the right place. 

When I’ve found you, I know that you’ll be waiting for me at heavens gate. I can’t believe I’ve found you, I feel great, it’s been a long time that I had to wait. No more heartache, no more hurt and pain, it’s over I’ve found you, we’re together again, it’s over. I’ve got my boy, my pride and joy  NO MORE PAIN. 



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