Kevmtz Profile

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Location: United States

Member Since: August 2016

Last online: August 2016

Open for read requests: Yes

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life as i know it, is a drag.

Mom told me to stop the smoking but she doesn't know thats the least of my problems. 
Quitting feels so easy but its not. Just like life its self. Life is just like a cigarette, we take the drags, we cough , we feel good. Once its finished , we crave more and more until we run out of money, then we go buy some more at the local gas station. 
These nights been tough. My family seems to be happy and i really am happy for them. Is it just me? Why do i feel so incomplete? They say i lack love for god and thats why i feel how i feel. I disagree, but i sure wish i knew how to love god, it would make things way easier. 
While writing this im laying in my bed thinking of what to write and what to forget. Its hard forgetting though. How do you forget things? i'v never forgotten anything , i'v just been so use to forgiving , it feels like i forget. 
Theres things i will never forgive and theres things i will never regret. I owe many people apologizes and many owe me some as well. I try to forget what they did to me but i also try to remember why they did it. Was it my fault? who knows. why does it matter?, im going to forgive them anyway... like always. Theres so many people in my life. Most of them mean the world to me and the others .. well the others just happen to have stayed in my life. I dont mind it , but it makes things harder for me. I am pretty sure im part of the "others" category to them as well. 
I love and so i feel. i feel and so im hurt. Love does not hurt. What hurts is being neglected and forgotten about. Sometimes i would even cut my self. Looking back at those days i think to my self "why? im sure there was another way" but nights like these remind me why i did it. No, 
im not gonna hurt my self, but doing so wouldent be anything new. 
Im trying to do good in school. Im almost done and im nervous about my future. 
i would like to be famous for what i do, which is produce music and so on. Making a living off of music would keep me happy. Maybe it's just me, but i feel like im not good enough. So many dudes just like me are trying to make it into the music industry and so they work hard. Iv been told im good, but that doesn't satisfy me. Someone once said if people like it , its not good, but if people hate it, you did a great job. My future consist of busy nights in the studio working hard on a project or helping out another artist. I would like to have a boy , his name will be Charlie. Charlie will grow up to be nothing like me because he will be better. I also see a beautiful woman in my future. I can not say much about her because i do not know who she will be... but she will love me and i will adore her. 
i need to keep my mind right. I feel like im losing control of my self and it feels uncomfortable. Someone can easily control me with the right words of persuasion. I fall in love too easy. I think thats why im so alone. My life works in all kinds of funny ways. I should be asleep right now but i dont feel tired , i just feel numb. Not in a bad way, just numb. Its kind of a relieving feeling. Long nights like these keep me wondering how much time i have left in this world , how will i go? why will i stay? will i stay? 
but those arent questions for me, but for life its self. 


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