Location: Nikota, Zambia

Member Since: November 2012

Open for read requests: Yes

Featured by author

Profile Information


I am posting this because I have seen a couple posts regarding "teenage pregnancy", and because I feel that everyone should see different perspectives, different lights, different choices- even if they may be wrong- and the consequences. Also to inform all couple s currently in a a similar situation, that although most all of you are thrilled to have the option of abortion,  it is an unimaginably difficult & grief-stricken experience, especially for that of the mother.
I am 16. My boyfriend and I love each other very much, and plan to get married as soon as we are able (4-5 years.) Many of you will consider us having sex wrong in itself. It probably would have been smart to wait, but needless to say, we did not, and since I love him and know I will marry him- this isn't as big a problem to me as the other events.
Being on the patch we never had a use for protection. By some God given miracle I got pregnant anyways. My boyfriend loves children, and he sees them everyday because his mother babysits for a living. When I told him, it never occured to be an issue to either of us, knowing that abortion was an option. 
Sadly enough, by the time the third month came around of carrying this beautiful baby, we both became very overjoyed with him. From the beginning of your baby's life, he will hear and feel your heartbeat, as mine has, and you will often hear his, as I have. He will hear the sound of my voice, and become accustomed to it, soothed by it.  He will be rocked back and forth gently as you walk.  And he will hear the gurgling sounds of your digestive organs as you feed yourself & nourish him. From a scientific point of view, whatever feelings you may be having, your baby can feel as well.
Anyways...Eventually our love for our precious baby grew and he had become such a part of our lives that we planned to go through with the pregnancy. We knew this would be a hard choice, financially, mentally, and physically (because throughout my pregnancy I had terrible "morning sickness" etc.) &You may think this decision crazy, but let me tell you...The connection between a fetus and it's mother is stronger than one could ever imagine. No words can describe, and no full understanding of the connection is possible, until experienced by ones-self.
Every day you will begin talk to the baby. About everything and everything, they are always there with you. You will tell them how much you love them, ask him questions about himself, ask him to do something for you such as turn to a different position. The crazy thing is, he, like my baby, will begin to listen and understand you in all things you communicate to him. 
And so finally, even my boyfriend became involved actively in communicating with our unborn child. Just as the baby understood me, I began to further understand him. 
I let my boyfriend in on all the things I picked up on about the baby. Subsequently we began paying attention to what the child liked and disliked. When he was paying attention to something, he got very quiet in the womb. When he was bothered by something he would become very active. I learned and grew accustomed to his ways, and understood him more every day I got to know him. His every move became a part of me.
Around the four month park into my pregnacy my concerns about the birth hightened, and we began to discuss our futures if we really did go through with it. Then, the thought that this would be the end of our "teenage lives" and of "fun." began to set in. We had a problem with this, but the love I had developed for my offspring was much greater. My boyfriend understood the reality of this, as he had also developed an unbreakable bond with the child, and respected that if even he had began to care for the fetus, how strongly I must have felt for it. So we made up our mind and expected support from his parents and mine.
Funny how things happen the way they do... because even after our certainty, in the end, they had us ultimately terrified. We were mortified at the realization that they were right, we had no choice but to put our beautiful creation to death. Thankfully not alone, we had each other- but we just couldn't see the good in our choice of actions at all. My boyfriend saw how much it disturbed me, as I slowly fell into a deep depression as the realization sunk in that I would be forced to have the new little love of my life be taken from me forever.
Eventually, when the time had come we decided to go alone to the clinic, as i was far to devistated to be around anyone other than him. When we arrived they handed me some paperwork. My boyfriends first breakdown happened here. I tried to tell him "I know" but I just couldn't stop crying. We thought about leaving but I knew that this was the only way. I filled out the paperwork & soon they called my name for an ultrasound, even this was hard, because for the first time, my boyfriend and I layed eyes on our beautiful baby. The lady then told us that he was a male. My boyfriend seemed to know that this would bother me and took my hand, as I had told him since the first month in that I knew he was male. I had a gut feeling stronger than any and this he trusted in. So I guess what they say is true, when it comes to their babies, Mothers know...
My boyfriends second breakdown then took place on the way up to the general waiting room. Again, we thought about leaving. They had me read some sort of handbook about the procedure. It *sounded* disgusting. The side effects sounded horrible. They then called me for "consoling". Which wasen't comforting, or even NICE. She basically just asked me if I was raped. Which was the opposite of compforting for me as I was raped by my uncle at the age of 8. My boyfriend got defensive as the nurse asked me the question and ended up getting kicked out of the room. 
I signed more papers and was back with my boyfriend. He held my hand as they tested my blood and tried to tell us it was the best decision, which sent me over the edge want. I began to bawl loud enough to hear from the waiting room. They gave me some sort of pill that made my stomach hurt and made me feel lightheaded. My boyfriend asked me again if I wanted to go through with it, and told me he would stand behind whichever decision I came to in the end. Finally, I felt compforted. I told him I loved him and he hugged me and kissed me.
They had me take off only my pants and put on this white sheet. They gave me a shot that was supposed to make me instantly "relaxed". But I wasn't relaxed. I just felt lightheaded yet heavy, sick to my stomach with the thought that these were baby's last movements. My boyfriend kissed my belly, and we said our goodbyes, managing to somehow fight back the tears. 
The nurse astarted the procedure- "vacum asparation." I was really scared, and began to cry as my boyfriend took my hands off of my stomach and held them both tightly. I quickly pulled them away and placed them back on my stomach, tears streaming down my face. This lead to my boyfriends next melt down, as he pryed my hands back off of my stomach and held my wrists away from my stomach. At the time, I couldnt understand why he would do such a thing and began to scream and cry, and I stuggled to break free of his grasp to feel my baby's heart beat against my palms on last time. 
I look back now and am grateful, as he kept me from feeling my babies heartbeat which i had grown so accustomed to, suddenly stop. They tried to tell me before it wouldn't hurt "too bad." One of the many lies. It hurt horribly. But the physical pain wasn't as bad as what I was doing in my eyes, even though the cramping was so severe I nearly screamed. Their drugs failed to keep me from thinking about it. I don't think even being asleep could have prevented that. 
It didn't take very long, about 5 minutes. And then the nurse didn't even let me use a wheelchair, so my boyfriend carried me on his back down to the recovery room. They tried to give me some pretzels and sprite. No thanks. I tell my love that I feel like I am going to pass out and he gets a nurse. I am extremely overwhelmed, and I throw up.
After about 15 minutes in recovery, we leave. In the car he begins to cry again. At this point I have no tears left to shed and believed to be in shock, as I had no emotion at all, just a blank, pool-eyed stare. We didn't really talk on the way home & I was hazy the whole rest of the day. I hurt. They gave me some sort of medicine for pain, but I didn't want it. I didn't think my pain even mattered as it could no longer be affecting my baby, he was gone. I took the antibiotics only because my boyfriend made me.
To this day I know that there was no other way, but I honestly think I would have rather lived on the cold streets with my son who became my whole world in just under 5 months. So i bless all you young and pregnant people in the world, good luck to the woman. Good luck getting through it & good luck getting sleep afterwards. I just pray that your mate will be as understanding and supportive as mine was. And to our precious baby in heave, whom we soon after named Jyran - meaning "lost love", mommy and daddy are both ever so sorry, and not a day goes by that you dont cross our minds. 
Whatever could have been, I want Jyran to know that we wonder constantly, and also that I miss your love for soft jazz and raw vegetables, and I wish I could still provide those things for you.  Nothing can ease the pain of the loss. I just hope that I can have kids again someday, that this won't effect me physically from the procedure, and that God chooses to give me another chance with children. If not, me and my boyfriend, who three years later is now my fiance, will be glad to adopt. And for all those who will someday do the same, just know that once you feel yourself nurturing and raising a baby who hasnt even yet been born,  only getting to nurturing and raise once it has been born will not ever compare to the bond formed between mother and child beforehand. 
If ever faced with this decision, please follow your heart. I know there were no other options, but we both loved our baby very much. It is hard living with loss, regret and sadness; so if you are also undergoing similar circumstances, please brace yourself. Because you may feel OK about it right now, but eventually it will become a morbidly disheartening and mournful experience. You will, wether you believe it or not, unconsciously develope an unbreakable bond with that beautiful little creature of yours, held in your tummy. And come time for the day most of you have been dying for, to have it removed from there, you will begin to realize how punishing your decision will actually become. 
Yes it is true, and wether you believe it or not, soon enough your eyes will open, and weep to the thought of not only separation from that small lovable baby you've spent every waking moment with for the past 5 months, nourishing, raising, protecting and growing closer and closer to, but complete and total separation, forever, a total loss of the love you've developed, and an overwhelming realization that you will not ever get to meet him or her who you have so carefully helped developed. 
Ultimiately, what this was to warn you of, was that the clinic may tell you most people feel "relief" after their abortion. Well you will feel no relief, just as I have not, and also never will. The procedure will most likely hurt, but the real hurt is the burden of murder of your own precious baby whom you have imaculately evolved as a part of you for months, into something so beautiful and compassionate, from just a simple seed. The abortion willl in the end, be the most painful experience of loss you will ever know, the loss of the connection and the baby who becomes in complete unity with you.  And it weighs your heart heavily. 
My prayers go out to you all.
God Bless,


This is where you can leave a short message for the writer. All Quickees are public. To leave a private message, use the private messaging system.

If you want to write a quickee (a remark or a hint for example) on this writer's profile, please sign in.

ksmug is a member of: