larmenia

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larmenia

Location: Greece

Member Since: January 2012

Open for read requests: Yes

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What shall i do? A simple question anyone would think. So why cant i answer it? I mean im sat here alone again with my coat still on , crying, again. Given these facts my answer should be clear as day. No thinking should be required. I should leave. Go. Better alone and sad ,with a chance of being happy, than alone and sad,period. But alone i am not. No, im four months pregnant and counting. There you have the reason to my difficulty in answering  my question.

   You see, dont get me wrong, its a baby, a child, i want it, i love it and i will do whats best for it. But how do you make a decision for someone elses life when you cant even make one for your own? Of course for starters being sad,stressed and angry all the time does no good for either one of us. Thats not even mentioning the lack of appetite due to lack of "mood". A little life created not entirely by accident ive come to realise as i think back at my recklesness. Deep down i wanted a baby. Such an immature thought i now realise. A life changing thought. The choice was made instantly as i refused to even concider abortion. So there you have it a baby the same age as the relationship that created it. Thats right im four months pregnant and ive been with my boyfriend four months. Four rocky,hard,sad and plain wrong months. He has the courtesy to remind me often that if not for the baby we may not be together ,how reassuring. Argument after argument harsh words after harsh words i despair. Does he love me? Does he want me here? Is it going to work? Do i want it to work? After seeing the true colours of his character, are those the colours i want to paint mine and the babys life with? As it looks now i will be alone.

    My biggest fear right now is how im going to care for it as,as it seems, i will be alone in the effort. Im jobless,savings accountless,homeless (sort of),soon to be single as it looks  and in a country where the word help is lost in the dictionary,Greece. Being just twenty years old doesnt help either. How the hell i got myself into this situation is beyond me. Fate must hate me. i mean, five months ago i was famous,earning money and kind of happy. Allthough the economic crisis had started rearing its ugly euro sign head. My six months of unpaid rent proved that.

    I never did have the "up n go" you need to live and be independant. Of course the way i grew up didnt exactly help that. Constant bullying and friendlessness had made sure my self confidence was non existant ,is, non existant. Prone to depression and often thoughts of i wish i was dead and many many wrong choices and actions in life have made sure that my rut im in is permanent. Feeling so useless and sad at the hands of the man who supposedly loves me is the worst feeling to feel in this time of need. When i talk to my mum on the phone she makes the choice seem so simple. Leave now. She made the exact mistake that im making and fifteen years on is still stuck. So in a way she sees my future. But leaving a man i love and taking away his child is evil. I think so anyway. See im all alone i live in Athens and my mum lives in Crete. And my only chance of surviving with this child would be to jet off to homeland England and accept benefit help. So its not a simple case of i leave and pop over to mums and live there and the babys father visiting on weekends. No, were talking full on leaving for good.

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