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Location: Abilene, United States

Member Since: February 2010

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  • Poem / True Confessions

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To all who are interested.

This is based on Walt Whitmen's "Song of Myself", poems 1, 10, 26, 33, and 52.


Song of Myself Poem 1 Who Am I?     Physically, I am weak. Anemia argues with me daily: always cold and tired. I’m always out of breath and out of shape. I can’t stand for too long…I can’t sit for too long. However I work, visit, walk, play, exercise as if nothings wrong. Some things are best kept quiet.     Mentally, I am unbalanced. One moment I am happy and cheerful: the next sad, moody, or depressed. A few seconds later I’m content with my surroundings and quietly satisfied. However I am stable. My many emotions can overwhelm the average human mind, but I however have adapted and can control my mind.     My imagination is wild and ludicrous. Dreams of Giants being elevators for 1000 story hotels, images of children, my sister and I, riding Japanese dragons; flying throughout a labyrinth of underground tunnels and sewers.     Spiritually, I am empty. I have no god and no belief system. My mind simply whirls around science and fact. Adam and Eve? No, it’s impossible to my mind. Evolution? Yes, it makes perfect sense to me; that we started out from the simplest of bacteria and slowly evolved into the intellectuals we are today.     Socially, I am thriving. So many friends, emails, texts, phone calls, family. My soul feeds off the very happiness my friends and family emit. I love to see them smile. I’m around people 24/7. I help them when they need help of any kind, and if I am unable to help, I give simple advice that might help. They help me in the same situations. When I get paid, I go out and think of excuses to buy trivial, little things for my loved ones. What Are My Intentions With My Song?     I want my readers to know more about me. It’s very hard for me to open up verbally. When I write, as I often do, word, thoughts, and ideas just come flying from my fingers and onto the keys of my laptop or the paper on my desk. I’m quiet, yes, but that doesn’t mean I’m simple. I, just like everyone else in this world, am very complicated and interesting. I want people to know how I think and feel about different things, I want them to know my different beliefs and ideas. I want people to know me and my mind as well as they know Whitman and his beautiful mind. Poem 10 Event 1: My Reading Diet     I was teased and tortured in my middle school days. I was overweight, 255 lbs. My mom took me shopping often and had me try on clothes, my size changed very often. I cried when the clothes wouldn’t fit and my mother would come into the dressing room and cry with me. She didn’t want me to suffer.     I then moved to Kansas and went on an extreme diet: a Reading Diet. I was dieting and I didn’t even realize that I was. I didn’t have many friends because of my shyness. I would lie on my bed, for hours and hours on end, reading my books. I ignored my hunger and read. I managed to read the first two books of the Twilight series in one day. My mother constantly worried about my eating habits, but I felt good, I had lost 90lbs in 3½ months, by simply reading. Event 2: Daddy Goes Away     Daddy is in the Army. He goes away very often. Now, for instance, he’s away to Kuwait now.     I was 10 when he went away to Iraq the second time. We all went crazy, quite literally. We were convinced our house was haunted as the depression crept into our minds at the thought that Daddy might not come back.     We needed Daddy to keep us all strong. Event 3:  Germany     Germany was cold. Lonely. The language barrier nearly isolated us from the rest of the world, so it seemed. I stayed inside, in my room and read my books. I played with my hamster and my baby sister.     When we would walk to the bus stop in the morning, the kids would taunt us. Giggle at our school uniforms and the bus-passes that hung low around our neck. Sometimes, Holly and I would cry. We didn’t like that kids. They were constantly picking on us. We never knew what they were saying exactly but the brutality in their voices hurt us deep. We were two blonde, blue eyed, American girls. Poem 26 1. Rain- The cool dripping relaxes me. It reminds me of the lost days in Germany, sitting in my attic room, sitting next to the window reading. Or when we first moved to Kansas, I would sit out on my front porch, the humidity and the rain mixed perfectly. I sat in the porch swing, and read. 2. Crying- The sound of tears always gets me. There has been so many tears in the years of my life. When the loved ones had passed, when Daddy went to war, etc. 3. Paper- The sound of paper, the rustling, the pencil writing on the paper, paper turning in a book. Reminds me of isolation. Not the bad isolation, good isolation. 4. Nails on the floor- I love the sound of my puppies nail clacking on the tiled floor. When we call for a “walk” they go crazy, prancing around and wagging their tails happily. 5. Music- Any music gets me. I get into it very much; especially when my little sister sits on the floor in the living and sings to the music she is plucking from her guitar. 6. Boiling Water- Cooking. I love to cook. My mother cooks constantly and I enjoy helping her. It’s the perfect bonding experience for us. 7. Clarinet- The sound of the clarinet brings me back to middle school. My first crush and I sat next to each other. He played saxophone and I played clarinet. 8. The shaking out of sheets- I work at a bed and breakfast. I enjoy my work very much. The sound of sheets or blankets being shook out reminds me of work. 9. A blinker- For some strange reason, I love the sound of my cars blinker. The sound creates a fog in my mind, I think of the constant road trips we made in California, Germany, Georgia, Paris, Scotland, Texas, Austria, etc. 10. Airplanes and Jets- My family and I traveled very frequently when we lived in Germany. We were always on a plane to somewhere. It didn’t matter. Poem 33 Example 1: Suicide She sat there crying, her father had killed himself. He hung himself in her basement. She was having nightmares about him again. I sat with her and cried next to her. I am woman, I suffered, I was there. Example 2: Stress and Depression     The texts came rapidly. Over and over and over again, the word suicide and cutting came into the picture. I sat there and stared at my phone. I finally decided to get up and go out to my car. I drove to her house and knocked on her door. Her mother answered it.     “I need to talk to --- really quick please.” Her mother hesitated but let me in. I walked into her room and stared at her. She was on her bed, in tears. She had a razor blade in one hand a beer in the other. I walked over slowly to her and took the alcohol and the razor. She didn’t struggle.     “Don’t. I need you, Hun.” I am a woman, I suffered, I was there. Example 3: Mommy     Mommy was crying, she sat on the couch and silently wept.     “What’s wrong?” I asked. She didn’t reply.     I nodded my head understanding that she missed Daddy. I laid my head on her shoulder. I am woman, I suffered, I was there. Poem 52     My life is depressing, I won’t lie. People look at depression as a foreign, horrid thing. It’s all mental and emotional.     My story is important to me because I want people to know and be aware that they can help. To not be afraid and help the ones you love. Because I understand and know how to help, my friends and family come to me, they know that I know how they feel. They know that they can trust me, and they can.     I don’t want people to know me as the quiet, “emo” girl who is always depressed. I’m not. Now, I’m always happy. In the past it was very different. But that was the past and I can’t change what happened. I love life now and cherish every moment.     I sound my barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world.


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