SallyPanik Profile

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Location: Halifax, Canada

Member Since: October 2010

Open for read requests: Yes

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I was always different. Always misunderstood. But very bright. Creative. And a little bit too imaginative. My imagination always seemed to get me into trouble. I was very loving, and EXTREMELY fearful. Of Death, and lonliness. I would always wake up in the middle of the night. Night after night I would wake up in a pile of sweat and tears. And sometimes urine. Only sometimes. I would wake up this way, this upset and run to my Mom's room. Each time thinking she was dead. My Father had died when I was 3 months old. He was crushed by a Tractor-Trailer. He fell asleep at the wheel. Passed out from drinking too much. Drinking too much was something he had done on a regular basis. Also indulging in drugs was not abnormal for him. Even with four young children who loved him and needed his care, and his Love back. I will always LOVE my Dad. No matter how many mistakes he has made. I will ALWAYS love my Dad. No matter how many negative stories I hear. I will ALWAYS LOVE my Dad. Because of this love and the utter despair I felt/feel from his loss, I thought my Mom would be gone at any moment. I could never handle that. EVER. Not even now. As I got older, I learned about Betrayal. Hatred. False love. Incest. Abuse. Violence. Hurt, hurt. So much hurting. Teenage Psychiatric Wards. Hospital after Hospital. Idiotic Doctor after even more idiotic Doctor. Medication. Therapy. Anger management. More Therapy. ENOUGH. I had enough. At 19 I left home to start a journey of self discovery. I needed to know the person in which I Loathed so much. The person who I wanted to destroy. Who's misery I NEEDED to end. I went to California. HollyWood. From a little city on the EastCoast of Canada to HollyWood. The epi-centre of childhood dreams. I was in love with that place. Absolute love. I needed that place. I went from Hollywood to New Jersey. New Jersey to everywhere else in that CUNTry. I lived in 30 different states. But always found myself back in L.A. I got into writing. I got into learning. I had my thirst for creativity and knowledge back. I was an artist. I was a Rock Star. I was living the life I had always dreamed of. But quickly Dreams turned into Nightmares. All of a sudden I was a junkie. All of a sudden I was waking up in a pile of sweat and tears and urine. AGAIN. Not just sweat, tears and urine. Also, vomit. Fecies. Pain. So much pain. Two years of this. Two years of running from the law. Two years of PURE AND UTTER TORTUROUS HELL. Rehab did not help. Nothing helped. Back to Halifax. HELLifax. I broke free from that I.V. Free. I was free again. I was in the Hospital for over three weeks. SO MUCH PAIN. They told my Mother to prepare for a funeral. I was NEVER gonna make it. I am too strong and stubborn to leave my Mother like my Father did. Over three years of withdrawals and constant pain. I did not give up. Now almost seven years clean and never looking back. I am expecting my first child. My first Child with the most AMAZING, damn near perfect, incredibly Angelic MAN. And This, is what Dreams are made of.


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