ST Gulik

ST Gulik Profile

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ST Gulik

Location: United States

Member Since: December 2011

Open for read requests: Yes

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I was born in the walls of an Irish castle on October 21, 1681. Edmond DeSwitch, the master of the house, had a keen interest in the art of alchemy. Though a complete failure in every aspect of his work, his incessant fumbling with God's video game led to severe consequences for all who surrounded him. Frequent mental and physical mutations resulted in my departure at the tender age of one. Having left my thousands of brothers and sisters behind, I traveled the world in search of wisdom and new forms of mayonnaise.

As I have always lived in the shadow of emphatic irony I found my next home in of the walls of the Australian Illuminati’s Sydney lodge. For many years, I inadvertently soaked up millions of memes of above average information which further mutated my consciousness creating an intellectual wanderlust, which eventually drove me to Great Britain where, in the company of Discordians, my third eye opened.

I found myself face to face with the goddess Eris who, finding me cute and less annoying than her other saints, sainted me on the spot. She introduced me to her good friend Timothy Leary. Timothy in turn introduced me to an electric cheeseburger who eventually talked me into taking over the mind of Ronald Regan and forcing him to run for president. In the body of the Gipper, I got hooked on crack and completely screwed the U.S.A. condemning it to hundreds of years of masochistic frivolity. I looked upon my creation and saw that it was good.

Having accomplished my goals, I abandoned the president's body and dedicated my life to making sure that broccoli will never again seize the reigns of the world. Unfortunately, Eris’s reputation as a trickster is not overstated. One night she left without a trace. The next morning I woke to find that I was missing two appendages.,I had gone all squishy and pale in addition to a considerable increase in size.

While searching for a way to reclaim my natural form, I bumped into the electric cheeseburger at a dive bar on the outskirts of Birmingham, Alabama. I learned that he hadn’t always been an electric cheeseburger, and he had recently found a solution to both our problems. Sadly, the price of that transformation was much too great for his moralistic outlook. It seemed that only large scale human sacrifice would release the power necessary to get me into that level of  the metaphysical swap-meet. My hands were already stained with the blood of countless innocents, but I believe that it is only right to murder in the name of fun or revenge. Killers for profit are no better than soccer moms who drive Hummers.

I was still pondering the best course of action when I happened upon a family named Bush, who regularly indulged in mass murder for monetary gain. I couldn’t very well let all that potential energy go to waste. I did some things I can’t talk about, and eventually gained the power to manipulate my physical form and travel through all fifty six dimensions. Having achieved this, I ate a taco.

I wrote my first book "Muffy: or a Transmigration of Selves" in 1999 and subsequently misplaced it. This novel was followed by several screenplays which have also been lost. I discovered "Muffy" hiding in a shoe box in my closet labeled Salvador Dali's Rhenquist. I took that as a sign from Eris to finally unleash it upon the world. And so I did. I encourage everyone to buy at least ten copies and then pile them in the middle of your living room. After that you should strip naked, douse them with gasoline, set them on fire, and dance around them while spinning your arms widdershins until your entire home is reduced to ash around you. When you are finished, look up. If you see a multitude of shiny nacho-like creatures flying around your head you have achieved the desired effect. Your consciousness has been successfully transformed. You're welcome.


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