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Location: Delhi, India

Member Since: August 2009

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The god has brought down this day when something of the ‘past’ and the ‘memory’ of my own is going to be released before you. Again, there was no ‘planning in advance’ for inking these blank white pages. Whatever I write, I write at a sudden.

Once upon a time, there lived a child of 9. His present was like that of any child of his age. His father always told him that one has to struggle to achieve something in life. Dear mother used to tell him that god gives path to those who prey and who are on the right side. And if you fault at an incident, then feel and pay the remorse with all that is left in you. You’ll reach self-dignity and become a happy man.

Most of this story is to unfold his life-experience to you. Well, further on, he being an Indian, started to learn the culture and beliefs of society. Also he was addict to ask such ‘what’, ‘how’, ‘why’ like questions. His primary school teachers taught him two major thoughts, “It is good to feel mutual obligation towards people, but never try to show it.” And “The deeper you go into memories and experiences, the worse you’ll feel.” I didn’t know the words were going to be true.

 When his tenth birthday was coming, his two elder sisters got married. He loved his all family members and everyone who came in his knowledge, no matter what; he was irrespective of who called him as what. And it was the first time some of his family members were leaving him. But in gift of the future, were the times bringing up ups and lows of life. Also at his early age, he had a kitty whom he loved very much and whom he can not forget. But he lost it someday. Just with a lot more his future had to put him through, just six days before his tenth birthday, he lost his school because if a brutal neck injury.

The neck injury was bad enough to horrify all his parents and familiars.

His mother preyed day-night that she might see the only son stand up off the cot. Daddy used to massage the back of his neck with pain relief hubs and ointments. Also slowly along with the time, his friends forgot that they had ever known him.

All these small incidents turned big as he grew up. Big enough to be the topic of local news and people’s pastime. People of India, if you know Indians truly, are very doubtful and try to investigate about every local news. Old neighborhood women used to make a group with his mother to have some talk as pastime. His daddy being a little strange than other villagers, used to spend maximum possible time a day in a beautiful and huge temple which was made on the roof of their house at the time it was built in the year of 1992-93.

 

“It is not complementary to write down how much spoiled I felt on the happenings, but I always looked out for squalls. I didn’t hear the tales of generous identities; I was not taught that hunger needs no sauce. I learnt it all from experiences, and through twists of fate. All I learnt was from curious inquisitions.”

(… an extract from his pen.)

Well, the ‘he’ in this story is actually I. And this is my autobiography.

After losing my school, I was supposed to bend down to the roughness of luck, nature and time. I would always be ready to accept slavery of the society and always respect people for their valuable abuse.

But when I tried to people around me and observed closely, I noticed that those men were happy without education. Children in his locality were forced to either work in some construction factories or get livelihood from some part time jobs. Those days proved to be perhaps the most valuable and necessary to produce courage in me and make me conscious.

Never the less, I recovered from my neck injury in around five weeks, some time in the mid 2002. But then, there was a problem, it was that till then admission in public and govt. schools was closed, so how could I, then, proceed further?

But all in time, a nearby school was found. It was Convent of ‘ABC’ Sr. Sec. School (I don’t want to hurt anyone, therefore I am not giving its real name). Its Principal was Mr…. something…. oh yeah! I just recalled his name. He was Mr. Gupta. He was said to be the emperor of his soul. And also that he was a discipline-lover. But for god’s sake, he permitted admission to me. I entered there, on around august 22, 2002. And now I am going to bring all his so called ‘glory’ from hill to hell.

And this is how a newly entered school boy was welcomed out there. I was said to complete all the pending class work and home work within five days. It was a total of near about five hundred 10”x8” size notebook pages.

And I think that was a turning point in my school life. Never the less, I was able to accomplish the target within set time. But on the very next day was the first day of 1st terminal examinations.

I won’t say I was much determined, but I knew that I would pass out just absolutely any exam because I was a bit like ‘tit for tat’ that hey, I am challenged, now I’ll do everything fair these people would like and I’d show outstanding competition.

But what turned next were jokes! I was disrespected and embarrassed by my class-fellows and somewhat by our teacher in order to de-motivate me. It was said that there was going to be a bit one sided favor and I was not going to be one amongst the graced that day. Also I felt something fishy in the management there that actually strengthened those words.

I was not habitual of disrespect and being humiliated in fun by those who really never cared to top the class or those who were not taught good skills to welcome a new student. I had been a three times school topper, an All Indian Medhavi scholarship winner for good already. I felt like I couldn’t make it for the next seven years until I pass my Inter.

I… I withdrew.

But as soon as I made my decision, I found that I had come back to from where I had been trying to get away from desperately. I, perhaps, had to live a time of a poor slum boy who kicked away maybe a so wonderful opportunity to study in the top school in district of west Delhi. I had maybe made a mistake, a mistake that possibly ended my dreams before they ever got dreamt.

 

Despite all this, I was thinking about the right school. You know, what a school meant for me, a perfect place, a temple where pupils have nothing to do, but to learn, to learn not only alphabetical order or Pythagoras method, but manners of life, essence of life.

But business arose in brains. It was difficult to allocate who planned it so well that terminated my spirit. But, there was no way that I could ever go back and approach to earn what I hardly ever unearned.

It was really very painful and devastating for me to have restricted myself from school. It should be the matter of huge concern. It was bad enough to sweep me and my identity away as a good and always-ready student. I used to feel broken from inside after loss of my school, and there was not a worse day I had ever seen in my life before.

But whether call it my sincerity or want to grow up mentally and spiritually, I continued study of school syllabus books and study material corresponding to every next class each next year. My father was not in favor of this thing. He instructed me not to waist money, time and effort after studying something that was of seemingly no meaning because I was going no longer to school. But again my mother held my back and supported me and brought to me educational and school books I desired for.

In 2004, a few strange things came in my observation. I used to have scary dreams at night and it looked like I had desperately to consult to some psychiatrist. In fact, I was watching dreams of the dead, some cemetery, then devils and ghosts. I started to have instructions in dreams for my future etc. etc.

In those days I feared to have a sleep and I hardly had a good dream in the season. When I woke up, I was al sweating and feeling insecure. All my condition was like a malfunctioned robot which had no words to express his problem. Hell, I knew if I discussed this consequence with my parents, my father would simply declare me…!

But in the day I mould always try to forget those evil dreams. I came into strong belief in god and I started doing some chanting, and preyed… But it was not the end of something; it was the dawning of a new brightness in my life. I started collecting ancient Indian literature and philosophy books. My interest went deeper and deeper in mythology with the formation of every new thought. It reenergized me and my spirit and strengthened my determinations. Then, I tried to be a lover of it.

Speaking of love, it was the same year of 2004, when I… I… fell in… love!

Exactly. But it hardly ever created some revolution in my thoughts or nature. And yeah! I started to love loneliness!

That’s right. Whoever I liked, whatever I wanted to do, whatever I wanted to achieve in life, just about everything was stagnant and neutralized.

I was pretty much stopped. Not a word in this writ is false! But, I wanted to earn some good knowledge of something that could be a bit compensating to that loss of school and all…

 

I got an idea that why don’t I learn the computer! I showed my want to my parents. My mommy said, “You should better take the permission from your dad first. If he says no, then unfortunately I can’t help you out.”

Since I heard this, I made my mind to just forget for light!

But I dared. I requested my dad to please allow me to learn the computer, but he disagreed as soon as he heard that pity request.

I said ok. Then I got the idea, ‘hey, why don’t I go to gym and make up some muscles?”

But this time I dared not say a word and went back to the ‘sad inn ceremony’!

 

I noticed that certainly my good time was over and bad time had started.

This was now the time for a change. My only unmarried sister’s marriage was now planned to get organized. It was July 2005. I expected much investigation about the groom, but my parents didn’t allow me to throw my questions. It was on her birthday when she got married. Her groom was… a little sour or rude in nature. I had observer this in time, but lastly I was not able to stop that marriage. She also didn’t feel well, but this was a slum region in India, where parents do all the decisions!

Later in the year, about three or four months after her marriage, she got psychologically imbalanced. In December, she was sent back to us to take her to some good hospital for treatment. They had given up. Well sorry, but I won’t go much deeper in this topic.

One of the best hospitals in Delhi, the RML, was hoped for good treatment of my sister. Not only this, we were also advised by villagers that such a case should not be resolved only medically, it was a trouble for both the families and we should go and prey in the Lord Shri Balaji Dham (a famous temple and one of the most religious places in India) for improvement of her health.

Without a moment of delay, all of us agreed on this suggestion and went straight to the destiny.

I always believe in god and this was the first visit to heaven. The temple was its atmosphere was so peaceful and energizing. Everything there was very beautiful and charming. I got astonished to see such a religious place. This ancient temple is between the high mountains. You will find temples of nearly every god and goddess explained in Hindu religion. I can never forget this experience.

Then came the new year of 2006. It had a lot new for me. Let me introduce this to you.

On Feb 26, 2006, was the fest of Shri Mahashivratri. This is also of very importance on many accounts in India. I use to do fast on this day every year since I was 4. I had my fast on that day also.

Next morning, on Monday, the Feb 27, 2006, we had to take my sister to the hospital for a check-up. This was much unknown or may be known… I met somebody in RML hospital that day. I won’t write false. That was an old friend of mine, I can’t tell you the name of that person for a reason, but I call her Priya. I saw her in the Psychiatry Department of that hospital and she had come with the sick and her parents. I was with my parents. She is about 5’6”, a thin young girl of almost my age, her hair was just to her neck. I have also drawn a sketch of her.

I asked her if she remembered me. She did not vocally reply. I said I am Shiv from right there Delhi, a friend of hers. She did not vocally reply. I said, “Are you hesitating to admit that you know me very closely, because you parents are here?”

She did not vocally reply.

I requested her to try to recall the memories and that love and respect for me. She did not vocally reply.

Then, I said, “May be you can forget me, which I is not going to happen in your life, but I can’t forget you. You mean to me like Hir meant to Ranjha, like Laila meant to Majnu. You look nasty. I am not disrespecting you. I have loved you.”

She smiled and nodded in ‘yes, I also love you’.

I consider that day as one of the most precious day of my life. Until today in this birth, that was the only day when we were in front of each other physically. Mentally, we’re always together.

Then I left from there. And I am still searching her. If she watches this writ, please give me your sight so that I can hope to live a moment of peace and satisfaction.

Again, nobody should feel unwell with this thing. This was perhaps the most important event of my live. I have no hesitation announce this before absolutely anybody and everybody that we wished to be together and I said it all to her right there on behalf of what I felt about her. I saw it last night in dream that tomorrow should the love of my life will meet me. I, never really knew or met her before that day, I don’t know her address or whatever contact number. If I had known all that, I would never have to beg god to make us meet each other, because if we even meet each other today, we would never go separate again.

Whether you call me a simpleton, or smart, I made up my mind that I’ll propose her.

Then, I focused on studies. I had learnt school books for the ninth standard. I wished to do my tenth (secondary class) from the CBSE or the NIOS (educational councils in India) or somewhat. It suddenly came in my notice that few children around my village were pursuing tenth school standard from the NIOS (distance learning). I came in action. I discussed about it with my parents that what was going on around us. They said that it was hard to pass out a public school examination for a guy who had not been to school for the last five years. I said that please give me a chance. If there is some method through witch I might pursue further education, I will love to do that. My parents allowed me to take admission in the Secondary course in the NIOS.

This was the time I was waiting for. Chance of a lifetime! An opportunity to return to school! Now I had something to spend my time for. I also started taking basic coaching of computer. I also worked very hard to improve my studies. I remember I had a determination that did the miracle. Now I studied as hard as I could. Many of my ages told me that I was busy for nothing. But I told them that I’ll bring out ‘something’ from that ‘nothing’.

It was April 2007, when the time had come. I was a 100% to take the challenge. The public exams were organized.

I tried not to waste a little time, and do my best. Well, I did what I had to do. There was no exam fever on me, because I believe in the proverb ‘do or die’.

But I did not die. It was the result time now.

Now I had a good news and a bad news.

The bad news was that I did not obtain a gook marks percentage. I also met my old time good friends Ramakant, Dheeraj, Dinesh, Vikky and Bhola.

The good new was that I yet scored top there.

On the day I was on internet to see what was the result, I was my old competitor Umesh was there already. He beat me there by nine percent marks. But he was from CBSE and I was from NIOS. Ha ha ha, thus he never beat me legally!

Wow! How valuable was this news for me!  But I had a fear restrained my happiness. I had a fear that may be my father does not admit me in some regular school. I wished to return to school, but my parents had no choice to admit me in a school other than the Convent of ‘ABC’ Sr. Sec school where I already been before. They knew no other academy or school for regular coaching. But it was a question before me, ‘You want it or NOT?’

I agreed with them.

So, thus I came back to somewhere again.

There I met my fast friend Ajay who is a devoted person for god and goodness.

But I knew it for myself that what kind of students existed there in that school. I was grouped in XI F. In the starting, nothing mentionable happened. But as the terminal exams were coming closer and closer, the behavior of my fellows changed to me. I was many times subject to comedy and laughter. In the end of the session, it was the time for results. But before I tell you what happened next, let me inform you that I stood forcingly only for the second position.

In the final results, I did not stand anywhere mentionable.

 

Then, it was the break for ten days to prepare for the next session (class XII). I wanted some reformation or energy. Because you know it, I was not habitual of ‘failures’.

Then, I planned to visit come great place. This time I went to a place, where I always wanted to be. As you know that I believed in mythology, so I thought to witness a man who had accomplished a lot in mythology and spiritual revolution. I won’t describe his name because I fear that if you the reader don’t believe in the mythology, and if I tell you his name, you might abuse him.

I reached the destination. But I didn’t tell my parents too about that visit because I had the same fear with them as well.

I bowed down to the majesty. I introduced myself and explained the reason of my visit.

He said, “I welcome you and give my blessings to you, but I certainly don’t see you mature enough to learn spiritual practices.”

I started crying. It was very unfortunate. May be no, because he did not refuse completely. Shri Guruji only ordered me to first complete my studies and then come to him after taking permission from my parents only.

I… really didn’t understand this on the spot. But his order was Almighty’s order for me. I exited from his residence. But as soon as I did this I realized that I was quitting life.

I rolled back. I knocked at the door again.

“Yes, now what?”

I replied, “nothing, just nothing, but I request you please examine me before you make your decision. And I am not leaving forever. I will defiantly come back. Thanks time and time again.”

I left there. After coming back to home, I thought a lot regarding if I could ever make it well enough to be of so worth. Nevertheless, I had my higher studies ready to arrive.

In April 2008, I was transferred to the next stage, the XIIth class. But this was my last chance to repeat history. Last chance to secure the first position in the school for the fifth time. In the first class test, I scored the two. I also defeated the XI standard’s topper in that test. Even in more tests, I was never crowned the topper’s spot.

It was unfair. I have no words top explain my agony and frustration. But it was not all I could take.

One day, on May 21, 2008, when we were waiting for our teacher to take the class. Suddenly, a water bottle dropped down on the principle’s head. He called down all the students. Those days, only the students of twelfth class were given extra coaching in the summer vacations.

He started asking unique questions to each of us. And asked even worse questions to me.

“Did you throw that bottle?”

“I can never do that.”

“Did you see someone do that?”

“No.”

“if you don’t tell something, I’ll rusticate you for longer than anybody before.”

“I have never heard that word before, but I really don’t have anything to say or reveal.”

“Smart, but not smart enough. Do you want punishment?”

“I’ll accept anything you say.”

“Your parents and guardians have not taught you manners. I’ll just call upon them”

“Nevertheless, I’ll bring them both next morning with me.”

Next morning, I went to that place and demanded my TC (transfer certificate). The vice principle begged me not to quit. But I could not take it a little more time and I walked away.

And until now, I had seen a lot of ups and downs of life. I wanted to have some earnings. I did a teacher’s job. In west Delhi. But things didn’t go well with me there too. I had an accident from which I could recover in no less than one and a half month. My left hand wrist was cut off and the tendon was also damaged badly and I had seven stitches in my wrist.

I took admission in the Sr. Sec. Course in the NIOS. So, I returned to NIOS too.

There I met Vinod this time. He and I became fast friends. He is a Shayer and a nice person although he didn’t opt to give his shayri here.

Now it was the time for the main event. The XIIth standards public examinations. And I was involved. I had not very well prepared for the tests.

But I can’t forget to write this down. The night before the first exam, things didn’t go well with me. I was down with some fever and sent to hospital.

This entire ended in nothing’. The result was that I did not secure anything in hell in those exams and I am still looking for some revenge… from myself.Yours Truly[s1] : SKG (Shiv Kumar)

 [s1]Your feedback is welcome.

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